Page 381 of Chaos has a Name
“Each one of you saved a little piece of me. Being your mother, and everyone else’s is what saved my soul. It is theONLYthing I’ve done that is pure. It’s the only thing this life of mine hasn’t tainted. I’m going to ask you to give me this. Like I mentioned, I’ve seen and experienced too much.”
He put his hand on her cheek, and she turned her face into it to leave a kiss there.
“I spent my childhood being abused. I know how you desperately want to prove you’re strong. I lost my father, and I lost Sam. I lost friends in front of me as I wasn’t able to save them. I couldn't save Coraline’s mom. I couldn’t save people who deserved to be here. If I can’t save you, I can’t do this anymore. Right now, for some unfathomable reason, humanity needs me to do this job. Give me this, so I can function and keep saving people.”
He understood what she was saying.
“No, Mom, I can’t give you this. Because whether you believe it or not, if you die, and I’m not there to save you, I’m inthe same situation. I understand why you’re scared. I’m scared too. I live in a perpetual state of fear. Maybe I need this because I know that you won’t ever let me down. I know that if it goes to shit, I don’t want a Marine keeping me safe. I need my mom. I need you.”
A tear slipped down his cheek.
“Let me hold on,” he whispered. “I’m a father now, and I don’t know how to be that person yet. I need to be near you, and I need to learn. We’ll be going back home when this is over, and I’ll go back to work. I need to be with you right now—not hiding. Please let me be near you so I can find me. It’s not about protecting you. You don’t need me. You have you and the Marines. Let me watch and learn from the one person I admire most in this world. I will let Uncle Ivan and Uncle Gryphen save you. Just let me be there so I can take it all in. Oliver is going to need someone strong. I’m not strong enough yet.”
She wiped the tear on his face with her thumb.
“Don’t think of it as protection duty for you, but protection duty for me. I want to do what you do one day. I have the opportunity to watch, learn, and keep it under the guise that I’m protecting you.”
Now, she understood.
Her son wasn’t ready for the weight of the world, yet, and he wanted his mom. Being with her, and playing bodyguard gave him the time to keep growing.
“Cora and I are young. I need to learn as quickly as I can so I can be what Oliver needs one day. I want to carry that badge—the same one you carry. In order to do that, Gabe has given me the opportunity to be on duty with you. I have a unique opportunity to learn from the best. One day, Mom, you’re going to retire, and I want to be the Blackhawk that keeps this going.”
She opened her arms, and he hugged her. He picked her up off the ground, much like Callen always did. It wasn’t lost onher that they all started broken, and it took time to get to this point.
Crazy.
And tired.
“Please, Momma. Please,” he whispered.
When he put her down, she was to the point.
“You wear body armor. You stay silent, and you stick by the Marines. If I’m interviewing or working on something, you melt into the background. When I can include you, when it’s safe, I will. Otherwise, silence is golden on my team.”
There was relief.
“If things go south, you go South. If for one second, I think this talk was bullshit, and you’re just finagling to protect me, I’ll call the Pentagon, and pull strings. Gabe is powerful, but I’m crazy, and people fear my insanity.”
He said nothing.
“You can come out with me, and learn. I’ll give you the opportunity to be a sponge, as long as I feel like you’re safe.”
He held her hand.
“Thank you, Momma. I love you. Thank you for understanding.”
She was to the point.
“You’re a good Marine, Koda. You’ll be a damn good Fed one day. I think you’re insane to want to do this, but then, I guess all the good agents are a little shy of the mark. Like I said before many times, the best people to get justice were the ones who never had it.”
Her son kissed her knuckles of their joined hands. In that moment, she was his hero once more.
“Ready?” she asked.
When he nodded, she started walking back, him still holding her hand.
“Can you show me how to be as fast as you are?” he asked.
