Page 527 of Chaos has a Name
Her.
Heart.
Broke.
“I love you so much, but I have to be whole again in order to be what you all need. Don’t hate me for saying goodbye, but what happened to me in Philly, and what I’ve never gotten over still chases me. I can’t run much longer from it without never being able to beat it. For now, Elizabeth Renee LaRue Blackhawk, I have to come back to where it all started. Almost sixteen years ago, we came here to make a name, and I have to make a stand here, so I can fight back to finding myself,” he said, putting his hand over his heart.
In that moment, she didn’t know what to say or do. This had floored her, and it had caught her off guard.
Unbelievably.
Before she could say anything, he touched his lips to hers softly, in a promise.
“I’ll make it back. I have faith in me. I’m a fighter, but right now, the fight has to happen here. I’m going to let you go because I know that’s your world back in DC. It was never mine. I hope you forgive me one day,” he whispered. “I hope you can forgive me for taking what I need for myself at the cost of your heart. Hurting you…it was never my intent. Saying goodbye was never the plan.”
What could she say to that?
He’d told her the truth, and now, the fallout was all around her.
“Tell my kids nightly that I love them. I hate that I’m being selfish, but I can’t be a father or partner when I’m not whole. What David Neives took from me, I have to find a way to find that peace again. What Wyler and Timothy took from me, I have to find a way to fill it back up. I always knew if I came home, I’d have to stay, and that’s why I’ve fought so hard to avoid it. Only, I can’t run forever, Elizabeth. I’m not strong enough tokeep running. It’s right behind me, and neither you, or Gene, can fight it for me. This has to be done by me.”
When his voice hitched, and Gene saw the tears on both of their cheeks, he approached.
He knew how difficult this was for both of them, and that there was no easy solution.
The division was clear.
“How long will you be here?” she asked, her voice shaking with emotion.
In all of her life, she never saw this coming. She never thought she’d see Ethan say goodbye. She’d never thought he’d choose here over…them.
At her question, he didn’t lie.
“I don’t know. A long time ago, I refused to come back here because I feared the lure. Timothy knew, and deep down I knew too. I am of this land, and I need to be here to find my way. Only, I can’t run like Wyler. I can’t hurt you like that. I won’t just disappear one day, and make you wonder. I love and respect you way too much.”
Instead, he knew he was hurting her like this.
“It’s calling, Elizabeth,” he whispered. “And I have to answer. It’s half of me. I’m Native, and I have to be here. I’m sorry.”
When he set her hand free, Ethan backed up, and couldn’t face her anymore.
“You will forever be my raven,” he said. “I wear you on my chest because you’re my armor. Only, now, I have to see if I can fight this myself.”
With the expression on her face, he knew that this had blown a hole in his heart—a heart that he’d just begun filling up.
There was no doubt in his mind they would move on without him. After all, he was the one saying he needed to be here. He was the one who was damaging their unit.
Their precious unit.
Callen and Chris would love her more and fill her back up with that adoration, and in time, if they couldn’t stay connected, she’d forget about him.
Honestly, she deserved better.
A broken man couldn’t heal others when he couldn’t heal himself.
In front of the totem, he said one last thing.
“You will forever be the raven here too. You’ll forever be the raven who saved me, and made me see that we have to be ourselves or it ends us.”
