Page 57 of Filthy Commitments
I was a man who should be facing his mistakes and dealing with them. Not hiding behind lies and a girl to protect myself from feeling shame.
I needed to feel ashamed of what I’d done. I deserved to feel that ominous weight. I’d done wrong. I’d taken a person, made them lie for me to everyone, including her own family. And what was the absolute worst, she did it one her own to save my sorry ass.
Asia deserved a good man. And I wasn’t a good man. I was bad. I supposed I’d always be bad. Morally unsound, mentally incapable of changing.
Our time was limited. Even though we loved each other with everything we had in us, it had to end. I wasn’t good for her.
I knew she’d never agree to breaking up. She’d cry, demand that I stop being crazy. And most likely convince me that we could figure a way out of the lies and bring what was real between us out into the open.
But I knew that people would wonder why she did it. Because I would wonder that too. That’s when the whole Dom/sub contract thing would come out, ruining Asia’s life for good.
No one would look at her the same way again. Her family were good people. They’d never understand why she did such a thing. And they’d look at me like the dirt-bag I was. And they’d be right to think of me in that way.
Money is why Asia came to me, and she’d have plenty. She’d have a house, a car, a closet full of expensive clothes. She’d be upset by my leaving, but she’d get over it.
Eventually.
And I would too, wouldn’t I?
I was doing it out of my immense love for her after all. It was the only selfless thing I’d ever do. But it did nag at me that she’d be hurt by my selfless act.
But she’d be hurt if the truth about us came out too.
Asia was going to be hurt no matter what happened. She was a casualty in every way. I’d wreck her life any way I went.
I’d never felt more alone in the world. I’d never felt so sad and depressed while feeling so much love it hurt. It was the oddest of times and feelings.
Asia stirred, opened her eyes and found me looking down at her. “Jett, what in the world are you doing?”
“Just looking at how beautiful you are when you’re sleeping peacefully.” I pushed her hair off her face and kissed her cheek. “So, tomorrow is the last of the fake marriage. I’m just mulling over how I feel about that.”
“It can’t be the last of it. We’ll have to figure something out. Our families think we’re married too. Don’t worry about it. Just go to sleep. When the time is right, one of us will come up with an idea that’ll work. Have faith. I do.” She snuggled down under the blanket and closed her eyes.
Should I say something to give her a hint as to what I had figured out about fixing the fake marriage problem?
She looked peaceful again, and I knew I couldn’t tell her a thing. If she had any idea about what I was planning, she’d fight me like a badger. That was one of the best things about Asia. She wasn’t afraid of a fight.
But I wasn’t going to have a fight over what I knew was the right thing to do by her. I told her from the very beginning that I’d do right by her and I meant to keep my word.
Her breathing was steady, she had fallen back to sleep. I knew I should be getting some rest too, but I couldn’t stop looking at her. I’d leave her alone the very next night if things went the way I thought they would.
She’d wake up alone and find my note. The one I’d leave her to explain to our families what had happened to me. The one that would set her free from all these lies.
Perhaps one day in the distant future I could come back to see if things could blossom between us again. But I wasn’t sure about that. What I would do would hurt her to the core. I knew that.
That was a weight I’d have to take on. She was worth that. I was carrying around guilt anyway, why should I get to live life without any weight of that on my shoulders?
Asia didn’t need me in her life. I would just be a reminder of when she walked on the dark side for a while. She’d be better off without me.
No, I’d walk away and never come back. That would be the right thing to do. Leave her for good. It would be better that way.
Settling my head on the pillow, I closed my eyes, willing myself not to think about it anymore. I’d never leave if I thought about it too much. And I had to leave. For Asia’s sake, I had to do it.
Just as I got my mind to shut up, Asia threw the blankets off her and bolted to the bathroom. I got up and followed her, finding her with her head in the toilet, puking her guts up. “Baby?” I held her hair back as I kneeled beside her.
She wretched over and over, getting rid of everything that was in her stomach. Then she moaned and sat on the floor with her face in her hands. “God, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Jett.”
I got up and grabbed her a wet washcloth. Then I picked her up and sat her on top of the vanity. Wiping her face with the cool cloth, I felt her shaking.
