Page 16 of For Love & Torture
The shower in the dressing room is large, made for two people. I pull her corset off her. Dropping my pants, I lead her inside the tiled walls to wash away the sweat and other bodily fluids. Neither of us wants to walk around smelling like that the rest of the night.
She’s limp as I wash her body. I never ask her to wash mine. I don’t want her hands all over me. “Get out, dry off and go lay on the bed so I can massage you.”
She nods and gets out. I can feel the sadness emanating from her and know I don’t want to deal with it. But the after-care is part of it all. I have to deal with it.
After I clean myself up, I throw a towel around my waist and go out to find her lying on her stomach on the small bed. I begin the massage at her feet, without saying a word to her.
Her sigh lets me know she isn’t feeling so great about things. So it’s my responsibility to see to her emotional well-being too. “Was there any part of that you need to talk about, Isabel?”
“And if there was?” She tries to roll over to face me, but I won’t let her.
“You talk, I’m getting these calves and thighs back in working order.” I go to work on them. I would rather deal with her body than her mind any day. But I have no choice in the matter.
“Why did you say that, Grant?”
“Say what?” I know I’m acting stupid and that it won’t get me out of the awkward conversation, but I have to try.
“The part about if I’d like for you to make me yours. Why did you say that?”
“I didn’t say it to hurt you.” I’m not sure what to say to her about it. I know it was selfish and irrational, but I couldn’t stop myself in that moment.
“Okay,” she says. As I finish the massage, ending with her shoulders, she rolls over to face me. She looks at me with those dark, soulful eyes. “Grant, I’m not sure where you and I stand. Saying things like that, even during an act, is confusing to me.”
“I know. I’ll refrain from doing that again. It wasn’t fair to you.” I run my hands up and down her arms to loosen them up. Our faces are close and my lips tingle, wanting to kiss hers.
“Did you say it because you want that? Do you want to make me yours? Are you afraid I’ll turn you down? I wouldn’t turn you down, Grant. I’d give you anything you want. I want you to know that.” The way she blinks her heavy dark lashes slowly makes my chest tighten.
“I don’t want you to give me any more than you already are.” I have to be honest with her. I demand honesty out of her, and she deserves for me to give her the same. “When I realized that all those men were looking at you as a sex object, a thing they might like to toy with, it hit me that I needed to make sure that never happened. So I said what I said.”
“Oh. So what you’re telling me is that you don’t want me, but you don’t want anyone else to have me either.” She looks off to one side.
What am I supposed to say to that? She’s right. But I don’t want to admit that. “I want you when I want you. And I don’t want to see you with anyone else. I know that makes me an asshole.”
“Yes, it does.” She looks at me right in the eyes. “But I consider you my asshole. And the fact is, I don’t want to see you with other women, either. So what are we going to do about this?”
She wants to be exclusive and, in a way, I do too. But that would lead to more and more until she and I were lawfully wedded and raising a family and living happily ever after.
Only I know there are no happy endings. At least not in my family.
“I think you and I have spent too much time together. We’re starting to feel as if we own one another. I didn’t take you on as a sub. I’m not really your Dom, and I’m definitely not your boyfriend. Hell, I’m not even your fuck-buddy, Isabel.”
“Fuck you, Grant Jamison!” The slap she gives me hurts far worse than anything ever has. It shakes me all the way to my core. She pulls back to give me another. Which I deserve, but I catch her by the wrist.
“No more.” I let her hand go and walk away from her.
I have gone too far with her. And now we’re both hurt because of it. I vow from now on that I will not spend more than one session with any woman.
I can’t.
And I can never be with Isabel again. Somehow our hearts have gotten into it, and that was the very last thing that was supposed to happen.
Putting my tux back on, I ignore the glare she’s giving me. She gets off the bed and puts her dress back on then walks to the door, ready far faster than I could be.
Before she leaves, she turns to look at me. “No one needs to know about this. I won’t talk bad about you, you don’t talk bad about me. Deal?”
“Deal.”
“I’ll treat you with respect in public, and I expect you to treat me the same way. I don’t want gossip going around about us. We work together, that’s it. No more training, no more scenes. I’ll get over you. In time.” She takes a deep breath as she gathers herself then walks out the door.
My body sags after she leaves me alone. I am a complete jackass. It feels awful to know that about myself.
At least I’m not lying to anyone. Not myself or Isabel. Whatever we have, it’s over.
I didn’t know I could miss her, but I already do.
Damn, it feels like shit.
