Page 43 of For Love & Torture
That’s because I care.
My heart pounds as the walls I’ve built around it over the years begin to sway. Has my pain caused my father to sit in prison for years when he never should’ve spent one night there?
Has my pain caused me to hurt Isabel?
Has my pain left me blind to the hurt of others who love me?
My God, what have I done all these years?
The pain in my chest moves through my body as the walls crumble and something else fills me. For the first time since we came home from South Africa, my heart is beating for someone else. My mind is throwing away things I’ve told myself were necessary for me to stay sane.
“You want me to ghost hunt for our mother, Jenny?” I ask with a chuckle.
“I want that very much, Grant. I know that sounds crazy.”
“I’ve thought crazier things than that all these years. Things like you guys were better off without me. Things like I’d never be a whole man again. Things like love isn’t real.” I stop as a lump forms in my throat, stopping me from saying anything else.
Jenny gets up and comes to me, putting her arms around me. “Love is real. You are a whole man. And none of us are better off without you, Grant Jamison. Come back to us all and back to life. It’s time. Mom’s not physically here any longer, but I can feel her spirit coming and going in that house, and she has something she needs you to do. Only you can do it.”
Only I can do it. Only I can find out if my father is innocent. Only I can talk to Mom. A thing I’m getting more and more sure I can accomplish. So many years of shaking it all off, thinking I’m going crazy, has come to an end. Maybe everything I’ve been suppressing can come to an end.
Jenny interrupts my thoughts as she says, “There’s no time like the present to get this going, Grant. Can you find it in your heart to meet us all at the house this evening? I’ll bring the stuff to make spaghetti and meatballs.”
Thinking about her words, I think she’s right. There is no time like the present. “I’ll be there and I’m going to be bringing a woman who’s very special to me. A thing I haven’t been showing her. I think it’s time to change how I’ve been shutting her out too. It’s time for a drastic change to occur. I’ll see you for dinner, Jenny.”
The smile on her face and the grateful expression of my little sister makes those last bits of stoniness tumble away from my heart.
The time has come to make some changes and I’ve never felt more alive.
How can trying to talk to my mother’s ghost make me feel so alive?
