Page 56 of Nightclub Surprise
“Yeah, whatever,” she flicked her hand in a little wave as if there was no difference. “If we did, then I’d most likely fall asleep and you don’t want that, so I’ll just fall asleep in my own bed tonight.” She acted like it wouldn’t bother her in the least, staying apart from me allnight.
“I was gone for two weeks, and you think one night together is enough for me?” I ran my hand over my stomach as I thought about her agreeing to try to getpregnant.
“I didn’t say that.” She pulled the glass of wine to her lips, taking a long sip. “You don’t want me to sleep with you, August. I get it. I understand even. But that means that sometimes, when I feel really tired, I’ll have to forgo the lovemaking. Otherwise we might fall asleep together, and you don’t want that. I want to respect your wishes, that’sall.”
But that wasn’t all. If that was all, then she’d be able to look at me as she said it, which she didn’t. “Tawny, you can be truthful with me. Is somethingwrong?”
Finally, her eyes moved to meet mine. “August, of course, there’s something wrong. I love you. I want to sleep next to you, feel your arms around me, feel your body behind mine as we spoon the night away—every night. And I can’t have that. So, yes, there’s something wrong. But even so, I love you, and I want this to work. So, I’m not going to fight you about it anymore. I’ll sleep in my ownroom.”
She was giving me what I wanted, and yet she wasn’t. “I’ve missed you, Tawny. I really wanted to make love to you tonight. Or at least spend some time talking with you before you rushed off tobed.”
“And I’d love that, too. Do you think I haven’t missed you today? I have. But I’m just tired. It’s been a rough day.” She took another drink of thewine.
“And why has this day been so rough, baby?” I watched her take a bigger gulp of wine than her previous sips. She was obviously using the alcohol to cope withthings.
“Okay, if you must know, I cried myself to sleep last night after you took me to my room. And I’ve been thinking all day about how I’d be selling myself short, living this separate kind of life with you. I even talked to your sister about moving out of here. I went so far as to call the lady I rented my apartment from and asked her if it was still available, if you must know.” She downed morewine.
Even though her words hit me square in the chest, I couldn’t help but notice that she was downing her drink too quickly—and relying on it too much during this conversation. I got up, walked over to her and took the glass from her hand. “No more of this. You should be clear-headed for this discussion.” Placing it on the table next to her, I sat down beside her. “Are you unhappynow?”
She looked me square in the eyes. “August, I am very unhappynow.”
It was never my intention to make her unhappy. But at least she was honest with me. “Do you think you’ll be okay intime?”
“I have no clue.” Her honesty was complete, but it wasoverwhelming.
Could I live with myself, knowing that she wasn’t as happy as she couldbe?
“My doctor advised me not to make you do anything that you don’t want to.” I ran my hand over her shoulder then up to her chin, taking it with my fingers to make her look at me, forcing her to take her gaze off the floor. “But Tawny, I am deathly afraid of hurting you. I am a trained killer—it would be so easy for me to hurt you by accident when I’m like that. You have no idea how hard it’s been for me to take you out of my bed and lock you away fromme.”
“I’m sure it was hard. And I know what you’re afraid of.” She blinked a few times, and I could tell she was holding something back. Then she said it. “I’m afraid of this separating us, August. I’m afraid that our relationship is just too new to handle this right now. And I know this isn’t your fault. But it’s not mineeither.”
Swallowing hard, I knew she was right. “Maybe I’m not meant to have a realrelationship.”
All she could do was nod. “Maybenot.”
“I do love you.” I leaned forward to kiss her, but she pressed her hand against my lips, stopping the kiss. “You don’t want me to kiss you?” I askedincredulously.
“I do, but I’ll want so much more if you do that.” The way her brows furrowed told me she was teetering on the edge of something. “I think I’ll get used to this with time. But for now, I feel hurt when you make me leave. I’m trying my best to deal with this. I’m doing everything Ican.”
What in the hell could Ido?
“This is a thing I can’t control, Tawny,” I whispered, and then took her hand, holding it in mine and kissing each knuckle of her balled-upfist.
“You think I don’t know that?” She watched me as I kissed her hand with soft sweetkisses.
“What I think is this, baby.” Her skin felt soft beneath my hands as I ran them up her arms. “I think you and I can figure things out together. I think you and I can eventually have a normal life. So, how about we do this—you come to this bed, our bed, each night. We’ll be together, either holding each other or making love until you fall asleep. I’ll stay awake and carry you to your bed once you fallasleep.”
The sadness that took over her expression told me that wasn’t going to be enough for her. “If only that would make things better. But I know it won’t. I know I’ll wake up once I can’t feel your body close to mine. You’re a part of me; you have been since that first night. It was okay before, not to have you physically in my life, in my bed. Now that I have you, I need you like you’ll neverunderstand.”
“Don’t you think there’s some way you can come to terms with this?” I asked her as I brushed her hair back, pinning a lock of it behind her ear. My lips yearned to graze over her neck. “For instance, if I had a job where I had to get up earlier than you did, would it bother you so much to be in the bedalone?”
“But it’s not like that. You’re just down the hallway, not gone.” She looked away as if nothing would ever make this anybetter.
I may have been considered the stubborn one in our relationship, but Tawny was proving to be pretty stubborn herself. And I was at a loss as to how to help her accept things for what theywere.
As hard as it was to let her go, I did it. “I guess there’s nothing I can say then. Good night, Tawny. I love you.” Then I got up and walkedaway.
It was one of the hardest things I’d everdone.
