Page 171 of Under Her Skin
Time to get a plan together and get moving onit!
“So, let me get this right,”I say as I pass the ketchup over to Tilly. I got hungry and ordered Tilly, Tanya, and me some food from the little café next door. “You’re only twenty-five and have been married twice and are about to get engaged you think to anotherguy.”
Tilly takes a giant bite of her cheeseburger and nods. A little mustard got left on her cheek and I take a napkin and wipe it away. Her tongue darts out to lick it off, and she smiles. “Thanks, and yes. It’s all about the first part of love that I crave. When it gets all settled in and the men start acting like themselves, you know farting in front of me and scratching their private parts, that’s when I have to endit.”
“Really? So, if I do get back together with Rachelle, I should never do those things in front of her? That’s got to be a little hard to keep up forever. Don’t you look back and miss either of your husbands?” I ask her as she takes a drink of herbeer.
Tanya laughs and dips a fry in ketchup. “They were bastards, both of them. Tilly here likes the bad boys and when I say bad, I mean the kind that don’t mind tossing a woman around a bit and trying to keep them beatdown.”
IlookTilly over and have a hard time believing someone as pretty as she is would allow a man to treat her that way. “Come on, not you, Tilly. Say it ain’t so. I can’t imagine a girl like you putting up with that crap. And in the end you left them over a gas issue instead of the fact they hit you.” I shake my head and take another bite of myburger.
Maybe my girl isn’t the craziest chic on the planet afterall.
I shake my head to rid it of the words, my girl. I’m trying to move on afterall.
Tilly doesn’t even look embarrassed as she says, “I had it coming. Mom doesn’tunderstand.”
“You what? No you did not just say that! Tell me what you did to make those ass holes hit you.” I pick up my beer and down it to get my blood to stopboiling.
Tilly looks at me and says, “Okay, the first husband I married after knowing him two weeks. I was eighteen and thought I needed to get married and start a family. I know I was stupid so stop looking at me like that,Dad!”
“Okay, as long as you realize that, young lady,” I say and gesture for her tocontinue.
“Well, after a few months together, I got this notion that I might have rushed into the marriage thing and I took a pregnancy test and made sure I wasn’t pregnant then went to the free clinic and got my ass on birthcontrol.”
“All without telling me a thing,” Tanyainterjects.
I shake my head and frown at Tilly. “Goon.”
“Well,I couldn’t let Bob know I was taking the pills, ‘cause he wanted to knock me up real bad. He was at me all the time and confused that I was still not pregnant. One day he got the idea I was taking the pills and ransacked the house until he found them. He knocked me around pretty good, but do you see how I brought that onmyself?”
Shock runs through me as I can’t believe this woman actually believes she deserved that. “Tilly, no I can’t see how you brought that onyourself.”
Tanya puts another beer in front of us and says, “See, the issues can be really different. She thinks it’s okay for men to physically punish her. I never laid a hand on her, but she feels like a man can. I don’t know what to do withher.”
“Well, I should’ve talked to him, not went on and done that without his consent.” Tilly takes a drink of the fresh beer. “But this new guy, he’s a lot better. He’s going to be in here later on and you’ll see, he’s akeeper.”
“So, what about the adoption thing?” I ask Tanya and look back at Tilly too. “How did that work out and was there a father at any time,Tanya?”
“When I first got her I was married, but that ended a few years into it. He took off, and we never heard from him again. I raised her by myself. Maybe that’s a part of the reason she makes poor choices in men.” Tanya moves to the other end of the bar to take someone else’sorder.
“And how did you like being adopted?” I askher.
“It wasgreat to get out of foster care. My mother is a saint. I had nightmares for years and when I hit puberty I was a nightmare. But she kept me. No matter how bad I was, she kept me.” She takes the last bite of her burger and I can see a little bit of what Rachelle has deep in hereyes.
The look that says she’s not worthy of love. It hits my heart hard and I think I might have made a mistake in leaving. So I ask Tilly, “Did you ever really love any ofthem?”
After dabbing at her mouth with a napkin she answers, “Blake, let me let you in on a little secret that might save you a lot of heartache over this girl. She can’t love you. You see, no matter how much I try, I can’t really accept myself. I often feel like a stranger in this body, detached from it attimes.”
“You think she’s like that?” Iask.
“The things you’ve told us says she is. So, if you want to try to build a life with this girl you have to understand you’ll be building on a pile of sand that can blow away at any moment.” She pats my back and looks at me. “It’s not her fault, it’s just the way itis.”
“Does it have to be that way?” I ask and hope there’s some positiveresponse.
She nods. “Do yourself a favor and stop the cycle now. It’ll take a little time, but she’s damaged, too damaged for a guy as great as you are. I mean, you’re a real sweetheart and a girl like her or me would break you in notime.”
“I’m not weak,” I argue. “I can take alot.”
