Page 34 of Dirty Desires
“Yes, I’d heard that from Julia and Lila—they do talk a lot, you know” He shook his head as he looked down at the floor. “The fact that you never told me her name has never sat well with me. It made me think that I haven’t been a very good friend to you. I should’ve asked more about her. I know that now.”
“I’ve kept her all to myself for years now. Only recently have I shared more about her.” I pushed my hand through my hair as I recalled the conversations I’d had with Nina about my fiancée. “And I did that with Nina. I don’t know how she got it out of me, but she did. And now it feels like, because of that, she’s pushed Natalia into the far recesses of my brain. I don’t want her pushed back there. I want her up front, where she’s always been since the moment I met her.”
Artimus still didn’t get it. “If your fiancée was alive, I could see that,” he said. “But since she isn’t, then it makes no sense. Nina didn’t push anyone out of your head. Nina didn’t force you to tell her things about Natalia, you just did. You did that because you felt like you could trust Nina. And youcantrust her.”
“I can’t trust her.” My hands fisted at my sides as I thought about how things had gone. “I forgot all about Natalia on the most important day. The day of her death.” Raising my head, I glared at Artimus. “Why should I get to enjoy a carefree life while the woman I loved more than life itself is dead? Especially when I’m the reason she’s not here anymore.”
“The car accident wasn’t your fault,” he said as he shook his head. “And if you will just talk to that therapist, you will be able to see that you are allowed to live again. She can help you. Just try it and see.”
“I don’t want to try it.” With a deep sigh, I let him in on things I hadn’t before. “You see, I know what any therapist will do. They’ll try to get me to forget Natalia. They’ll tell me to live my life and leave her behind. Well, I don’t want to leave her behind. I want to keep her right where she is. Or was, before Nina came into my life.”
“Nina’s been in your life for quite some time now. She’s not to blame for anything. You know that. So stop blaming her. That girl doesn’t deserve this. She’s been nothing but good to you, and the way you’re treating her is unacceptable.” He leaned forward, looking at me with what I could only call wisdom in his eyes. “It’s time to do what’s right. Nina doesn’t expect you to be with her. She’s never expected anything out of you. She cares about you more than anyone else does. And for that, she’s gotten the shit end of the deal here. If you aren’t going to get better, then you need to tell her that. You need to let her go.”
Guilt began to fill me. I had done Nina wrong. I knew I had. “I’m going to quit, Artimus. I can’t work around her anymore. I can’t do my job the way it needs to be done.”
“I’m not about to accept your resignation, Ashton.” He picked up his glass and took a drink, looking like he was pondering what his next move would be.
I wasn’t waiting for him to get the jump on me. “You can’t stop me from quitting, Artimus. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can. Being around Nina makes me think I can be normal. Be in a normal relationship again. I can’t do that. Not when—”
He stopped me as he said, “Not when Natalia is dead. Yeah, yeah, I get it. But what you don’t get is that I’m not going to sit here and let you do this to yourself.” He got up and began to pace in front of me. “How could I call myself your friend if I let you quit your job and go off to do God knows what, and eventually lose everything you have? How could I call myself your friend if I allowed you to fall off into some abyss just so that you can what? Die yourself? Be a homeless bum?”
“I was managing to cope with things just fine before I went and thought I could have something more with Nina. I can go back to that. If I’m not around her, that is.” I got up and went to look out the window at the busy street full of people. “For nearly four years, I’ve managed to get by. I can do it again, once Nina is out of my life.”
“So Natalia can come back in?” Artimus came and put his hand on my shoulder. “You told me once that you would wake up screaming from nightmares at least once a week. And those nightmares were about the wreck and Natalia’s death. On top of you momentarily forgetting about the date of the accident, are you saying that those dreams have stopped now?”
“They have.” I closed my eyes and wished I could have those dreams again.
“And you think that Nina is the reason they’ve stopped?” he asked.
“She is.” I opened my eyes then turned to look at my friend. “Nina is the one who fills my dreams now. I can’t stop having dreams about her and me …” I didn’t know if I should tell him what I had dreamt about.
It didn’t matter in the end, because he told me what he thought I was dreaming about. “Her and you having sex, I bet.”
All I could do was nod. My throat felt as if it was closing up. I turned away from him to look out the window once more. It helped to watch the people down on the ground. It took my mind away from all the pain I felt.
“And you’re saying you’d rather have nightmares about the worst day of your life, than have sex dreams about Nina?” he scoffed. I could hear the disbelief in his voice, and when he put it like that, it did sound crazy.
But he just didn’t understand what it was like.
I heard Artimus as he walked away from me. I thought that meant he’d given up and was going to ease up on me. But when I heard him making a phone call, I realized I’d been mistaken. “Dr. Patel, this is Artimus Wolfe. We talked earlier about my friend and employee, Ashton Lange.”
I couldn’t breathe as I turned to look at him. “What are you doing?”
He didn’t look at me at all as he went on. “Can I send my driver to pick you up and bring you here to my office? My friend is in need of your help. I would call this an emergency. He’s ready to upend his entire life over the ghost of his fiancée.”
Moving fast, I walked toward the door. He couldn’t make me do anything I didn’t want to.
Just as I got there, I heard a loud click. When I put my hand on the doorknob, it wouldn’t move. “Artimus! What the hell are you doing?”
“See you soon, Dr. Patel.” He ended the call then looked at me. “Saving you, Ashton. Someone has to do it. It might as well be me.”
What the fuck?
