Page 59 of Dirty Desires
“Above and love rhyme.” She shook her head. “But grub? I dunno about that word.”
“You give it a try.” I munched on some pizza while she mulled it over. A minute passed, and she had yet to say a word as she ate too. “See, it’s not so easy, is it?”
“No, it’s really not.” With a shrug, she conceded, “You win, then.”
The victory sat well with me. “So, no food in the bedroom, that’s your rule. And my rule is a little prayer before we eat. I like this rulemaking thing. We should make some more.”
She raised her hand like she was in school or something. “Oh! I’ve got one.”
“Shoot.” I took a drink of milk as I waited for her new rule.
“We should always put the toilet seat down.” She nodded. “That’s a good one.”
“I don’t see why we should do that,” I said in confusion.
“Well, I’ve noticed that you tend to leave the seat up,” she told me as she fidgeted a little in her chair. “And if I get up in the middle of the night and I don’t want to turn on the light, then I might fall in and get my butt wet.”
Now it made sense. “I get it. Okay, we will both completely close the toilet lid then.”
She seemed grateful. “Thank you. It will save me some shocking moments if we can do that.”
“I’m sure it will.” I came up with a great new rule. “And here’s the next rule. We both sleep in the buff every night.”
She nodded in agreement. “Every night that we’re together, we can sleep naked, if you want to. That one’s cool with me.”
How badly I wanted to tell her that I wanted us to sleep together every night. But Dr. Patel had told me not to rush moving in together. I had just begun my therapy, after all.
That didn’t seem to matter to me as much as it mattered to everyone else. I felt this overwhelming need to get Nina into my life—full-time and fast. But I didn’t want things to devolve because of my impatient nature.
Time is important,the good doctor had told me.You need time to grieve, time to free yourself from the guilt you’ve built up over the years.
And I needed time to take Nina into my heart properly, a heart that had been closed off until recently.
The funny thing was that I didn’t think I needed time to let Nina into my heart. I’d told Dr. Patel that. But she only shook her head, as if she knew me better than I knew myself.
And as far as the grief was going, I wasn’t feeling it so sharply anymore. I had more joy in my heart than I could ever recall having.
The guilt? Well, that was still there. I didn’t think it would ever go away. But I felt like if the doctor could get over her role in the death of her baby, then I would eventually come to terms with my part in Natalia’s early demise.
“You’re lost in thought, Ashton,” Nina’s voice drew me back out.
There was a piece of pizza in one hand and the glass of milk in the other. I had zoned out. “I was just thinking.”
“About?” she asked, as she gently moved my hand with the milk onto the table. “You should probably put this down before you spill it.”
I didn’t want to tell her what I was thinking about. “It’s nothing.”
“It’s something.” She put down the pizza and took hold of my hand, drawing it to her heart as she looked into my eyes. “Tell me.”
“Dr. Patel has told me that I should take things nice and slow with you.” I watched her as she nodded. “You agree?”
“I want things to move forward. And I want them to move fast. But I know that it’s not the right thing for either of us. Only a couple of weeks ago, you were guarding your heart and your memory of Natalia. Now, just because we’ve shared ourselves, you and I both think we can just hurry up and move things forward. But we can’t. We can’t, because it’s not good for you.”
I hated feeling like there was something wrong with me. “I’m not sick, Nina. I’ve got some issues, and I’m dealing with them. And I love you so damn much, and I know that’s helping me a lot.” I did believe that, even though Dr. Patel had only shaken her head when I’d told her that.
The way Nina’s eyes went to an even softer state made my heart melt. She reached out to stroke my bearded cheek. “Aw, Ashton, that’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.”
I took her hand, holding it tight. “Nina, what if they’re all wrong? What if we don’t have to wait? Why do we have to wait for what other people consider to be the right amount of time? No one seems to be taking into account all the time that we’ve been friends, close friends.”
