Page 23 of Dirty Little Secret
“Yes. I had to kill Herman.” He raised his hand up high, then it came down swiftly. “I took my shoe and WAP! Right on the head. It was quick.”
I didn’t see a bandage anywhere that was visible. “And the bite is where?”
When his cheeks went red, I began to wonder. When he threw back the blanket, I really had to wonder. When I saw the lump underneath his hospital gown, I knew this wasn’t going to be easy to take. “On my junk, doc.” He pulled up the gown and there he was, stark naked except for the bandage wrapped around the end of his penis. “I know how this looks.”
“Yep,” Gerald said. “You were letting that bat lick your cock, weren’t ya? And he bit it, didn’t he?”
The old man shook his head. “It ain’t like that. And it wasn’t a he-bat. It was a she-bat. But it’s not what you’re thinking. You see, I’d fallen asleep in my lounger.” He might’ve look like an unassuming old guy, but it turned out he was a bit of a character after all. Seemed he wasn’t shy about sharing all this with a stranger—I could understand him telling me, a doctor, all this, but he seemed more than happy to tell Gerald all about it too.
“And what’s a lounger?” Gerald asked. “Is that some kind of a bat/man sex chair or something like that?”
A laugh came right out of my mouth before I could stop it. “Gerald! Please refrain from asking my patient any more questions.” I clapped him on the back. “Let me do that, ’k?”
With a nod, he said, “Sure, doc. Go on. Ask him about the lounger and what it’s for.”
Mr. Jones ran his old wrinkled hand over his face. “A lounger is what I call my old recliner rocking chair that I sit in when I watch television in the living room. You see, I was doing laundry. Now, when I do laundry, I like to do it all of it at one time. That means I strip down to nothing while it washes.”
“I get it now,” Gerald said. “So, there you was, just sittin’ there mindin’ your own business when this lady bat came at ya and started biting your junk. So you’re not some kind of freak after all!” He looked at me. “Thank goodness. I was startin’ to get real worried there for a minute or two.”
Mr. Jones looked right at me. “I feel asleep in the chair, and the door on Herman’s cage must not have been shut right. She got out and bit the tip of my junk for some reason. I woke up, found her there, licking up the blood, and jumped up, grabbed my shoe and murdered her right then and there.” He pulled his gown down and the blanket back up to cover himself. “It wasn’t easy taking old Herman’s life. But she’d never done anything like bite me before, so I thought she might’ve gotten rabies or something.”
Nodding in agreement, I had no idea what to say. But Gerald did. “If she was a girl, why’d you name her Herman?” He put his hands on his hips, still looking a bit skeptical about the whole story. Despite what he’d said, it was becoming clear to me that Gerald still thought the old guy was some kind of a weirdo.
Mr. Jones clarified things for the laundry man. “When I first found the bat, I thought it was a male. I named it Herman after that guy on that old television show,The Munsters. You know, the vampire?”
“Ah hah!” came Gerald’s quick reply as his finger shot up into the air. “Herman Munster was no vampire. He was a Frankenstein. It was Grandpa who was the vampire, and so was Herman’s lovely wife, Lily. Their son, Eddie was a werewolf, and their niece Marilyn was the only one who was left out of the monstrous pack.”
Things were getting out of hand. “Okay, Gerald. Get the dirty laundry and get going while I check Mr. Jones’ bandages and his wound.”
I’d been curious about the story but had had no idea just how crazy this rabies case would be.
The wound was small and clean, without a hint of infection. “So you’ve received the vaccine and now we’re waiting on the results of the test. The vaccine should do its job, and you should be able to go home once we get them, Mr. Jones. It’s a good thing you came in right away. Tell me, do you have any more bats at home?”
“Nope,” he said with a toothy grin. “But I did find myself a little snake out back. I call it Thelma and keep her in the house too. She stays in the bathtub. I don’t ever use it. I shower outside, the way God intended.”
“A word of advice, sir,” I offered, “maybe don’t take anymore wild animals into your home. And that snake isn’t going to stay put in that tub either, I bet.”
“Shit!” he sat up and shouted.
“What?” I asked, not having any clue what he was going to say next.
“You’re right, doc!” He wore a worried expression. “I bet it was Thelma who let Herman out of her cage.”
And with that, I started making my way out of his room. “Yeah, probably. See ya, Mr. Jones.”
As I walked down the hallway, back to the ER, my cell rang. I saw that it was Aunt Nancy and answered it. “Hello.”
“Hi, Kane. We’re almost there. Just wanted to let you know,” she told me.
“Ah. I took the dayshift at the ER. I forgot to text you guys.” I felt bad about forgetting that Fox would be coming home.
“Dad, can I come up there and hang out with you today?” I heard him ask in the background.
“Seems he heard me.” I loved when he came to work with me. “Sure can, buddy. Can you drop him off here, Aunt Nancy?”
“Yeah,” she said. “We’re a few minutes away. I’ll call you when we send him in, so you can meet him in the lobby.”
“’K.” I heard my name called over the speaker system and ended the call.
