Page 82 of Dirty Little Secret
The sound that came out of Taylor made me cringe, it sounded so guttural and instinctual. “Ha! The hell you don’t, girl!”
“I don’t!” When I opened the fridge to get the milk out, I saw a bottle of red wine and pulled it out.
May as well drown my sorrows.
“Shit, Zandy, every girl dreams of the day her knight in shining armor will show up in her life, sweep her off her feet, then take her away to the castle where she’ll be his queen, and he’ll be her king.” She took the bowl I handed her. “Thank you,” her brows went up high as she added, “Mom.”
“Don’t,” I cautioned her. Turning away from her so she didn’t see the tears that sprang to my eyes, I hated how that one word stabbed me like a dull knife right in the heart. “I can’t be that boy’s mother. He deserves someone better. Someone worthy of his love—someone who deserves him. Not me.”
“You think you’re unworthy of love?” she asked, then took a big bite of her cereal.
“I know I am.” Filling a glass to the top with the wine, I took it and went to sit across the table from her. “If a person’s parents can’t love them, then who can?”
“Look, your parents were whack jobs,” she informed me. “Sorry to say it like that, but it’s true. And everyone deserves to be loved.”
“Not me.” I took a long drink, thinking it tasted dry and acidic, but not much caring. I just needed it to dull my inner pain.
I’d made a mess out of things. I’d made Fox and Kane think that I could be what they needed in their lives when I clearly couldn’t. I had even let myself believe that I could do that.
What a loser.
“You’re making the biggest mistake of your entire life, Zandra.” She slurped up another bite of the cereal. “I mean it. And what about that poor boy? Fox is going to be so crushed if you walk out of his life when he just got you back.”
“Look, you don’t know the whole thing.” I felt a mix of pain and anger at her words, knowing she was right, but also knowing there was nothing I could do to make things better.
I took another drink and noticed it didn’t taste as bad this time. I was getting used to adjusting to things I didn’t like. I could get used to being alone again. Not having love in my life again.
I’ve lived without it for twenty-six years. What’s the big damn deal?
“Then tell me the whole story, Zandra.” She picked up the bowl, draining the remaining milk. Setting it down on the table, she said, “You now have my undivided attention. And I have to warn you that I will be interrupting you when I have something to say.”
“I know that.” I rolled my eyes, taking another drink. “Okay, Kane asked me to let him pay for my college, and suggested I quit my job, move in with him, and let him take care of me.”
The sarcasm in her voice told me she wasn’t going to be very sympathetic. “What an asshole.” Her eyes held mine, unmoving and stoic. “Now tell me the bad thing he did and help me understand why you broke things off with him.”
“Well,” I stopped to take another drink, holding up my finger for her to wait. “Ah. This wine ain’t half bad. Anyway. I came home, and there was Rob.”
“Yeah, you’ve already told me that,” Taylor rudely interrupted.
“And he left me standing there, jobless and crying. Then Kane pulled up, and I tried to get inside before he could get to me.” I paused to have another drink before carrying on. “But he caught me, and I had to listen to him tell me that he loved me and that he would take care of me. And I had to tell him that I was fine on my own. And I also didn’t want to be his charity case.” I had to stop and take a breath, as I was talking so fast.
Taylor’s eyes were wide, and she rubbed them with the backs of her hands, making her black mascara smudge even more. Now she really looked like a raccoon. “You’re certifiable. You know that, right?”
“I might be, yes.” I took another drink and found my glass empty. “Well, shit.” Getting up, I refilled my glass. “All I know is that I don’t know. You know?”
“No.” Taylor shook her head. “I think this decision is too big to leave to you when you’re obviously not in your right mind. Let me make it for you. Here’s what you’re gonna do. You call Kane and tell him that you accidentally took some pills of mine. You thought they were just aspirins and you had a headache. Only they must’ve been something else, ’cause they made you crazy for a little while. You really aren’t ever that way and would like to apologize and accept his generous offer.”
“I can’t do that. I have to move away from here. I’ve gotta go, girl.” I sat down then took a drink from my new glass of wine. “This shit is starting to actually taste good.”
“You need to stop drinking and maybe take a bath and then a nap, and when you wake up, then you might not be so damn crazy.” Taylor got up and went to put her bowl in the sink. As she stood there, washing it before putting it in the dishwasher, she said, “You need to think about how you would feel if you saw Kane and Fox with another woman. A woman who would be sleeping in Kane’s bed with him, who would be getting the great fucking you’ve been getting. A woman who he would call baby the way he calls you baby. A woman who Fox would call Mom, the way he calls you Mom. You really need to think about that, Zandy. Because that’s giving up an awful lot in exchange for nothing.”
Jealousy shot through me. But I couldn’t let raw emotion rule me right now.
“You don’t understand,” I whined. “One day, they’ll both see through me. I’m just a stupid cocktail waitress who’s never done anything good in her life. They’ll see that soon.”
“You haven’t been putting on an act,” she said as she came back to me, standing in front of me with her hands on her hips. “I’ve been around. I’ve been watching all of you. You haven’t been putting on an act. You’ve been changing, but it’s all real, Zandy. You’re growing up, you have things to aspire to, people to take care of—and people who want to take care of you. You’ve found your long-lost family, and you’re taking your role in it. Just let it happen the way it has been. Let it all just happen, girl. Don’t fight it now. Not when life has just started going your way. You do deserve this. You deserve your family. Take them. They want you. And you want them.”
She made it sound so easy. I wished she was right.
