Page 40 of The Virgin's Baby
“And I think you’re right,” he agreed. “It’s just that I don’t want you to do anything you don’t feel like doing.”
I feel like letting youdome.
Of course, I didn’t say that. “I’m doing what I want to. I’ve got my reasons for wanting this baby, too, don’t forget.”
“And what about me?” he asked.
I didn’t know what he meant. “You’ll have to be more specific, Ransom.”
“What about living here with me? Is this what you want to do? To keep on doing?”
“I think it’s important to give this baby both parents.” I held back the rest. I wanted to ask him why he didn’t want me. I wanted to ask him if there was anything I could do to make him want me.
“Even if we can’t be like normal parents?” he asked then played with the blanket a little. “You know, married and in love?”
I could be married and in love with you, Ransom.
Again, I didn’t say that. “Don’t you think we’ll grow to do more than just like each other?”
“If I were you, Aspen, I wouldn’t get my hopes up about that.” He looked down, not in my eyes at all.
And now I was pissed. I had no idea why he thought he could never love me. I had no idea why he thought I shouldn’t get my hopes up. But I was about to play my first bitch card. “Who said anything about having my hopes up? It’s not like I care. I just asked a question is all.”
When he lifted his eyes to look at me, I saw something similar to pain there. “Yeah, I guess I put words in your mouth. Sorry.”
And now I felt terrible. “No reason to apologize to me.” But that bitch thing had made him act a little differently. “Look, we’re both getting what we want. A baby. Let’s leave it at that.”
“So, you really do want this baby?” he asked. “My baby?”
“I want this baby,” I answered. I left off the part about it being his child on purpose to let him think I was thinking of it as my baby.
“You like this security though, right?” he asked as he looked into my eyes this time.
“Who wouldn’t?” I eyed him right back. “It’s a great setup. I get to have a baby. It gets to have financial security and a family that will stand behind it through thick and thin. I suppose love, other than love for the baby, doesn’t matter.”
He nodded. “I just don’t think I can love you.”
Okay, that’s it!
“No one asked you to.” I pointed at the door. “I’m tired. You can leave. I get what you’re saying. We’re having a baby. No sex involved. No feelings involved. No love involved. It’s crystal clear. Goodnight.”
Getting off the bed, he turned to leave. “I’m sorry things are this way.”
“I bet.” I turned over on my side, trying my hardest not to cry. At least not until he left the room.
“I’ll be back at seven to give you another shot,” he whispered.
“Fine.” I wished I could’ve given myself the shots. Then I wouldn’t need him for anything.
As mad as I was, I felt like I might be able to buck up and just do the shots myself. I felt so awful—like I wasn’t loveable at all.
My mother had walked away from me when I was a cute little baby. Dad made sure to tell me time and time again that I wasn’t a bad baby, and that it wasn’t my fault she left.
It had to have been his fault somehow. If she had ever given him the chance to fix things, he would’ve. She never came back. Never called. Never did a thing to give him the opportunity to find out what he’d done wrong.
But what if he was only saying those things to save my feelings? What if I was the reason she left? What if I was unlovable?
I’d been nice to Ransom. I’d been pleasing. I’d been myself with the man. And that hadn’t been good enough for him.
