Page 22 of A Trial of the Heart
His words were smooth and sounded like butter. I could only smile. The smile faded as the thought of our short time together was ending. I was so conflicted. On one hand, I didn’t want the contact. I was a wounded bird that needed healing. At the same time, Rashad appeared to be everything I ever wanted and needed. I’d been damaged, and in my eyes, I was beyond repair. I just didn’t know how to move, and I knew whether it be Rashad or someone else, I’d feel that way. Daniel had truly done a number on me. Even with confliction, I knew I wasn’t prepared for our swift departure.
“What just happened?”
“Huh?” I attempted to play it off.
“Ya whole mood just changed, beautiful, so much so I can feel it in the atmosphere. What’s up?”
See? Perfect, I thought. Rashad knowing when something bothered me or was on my mind meant he was attentive. I loved it.
“Just it’s almost time for us to go our separate ways.” I shrugged.
Rashad chuckled, confusing me. “What?”
“Baby, you keep saying we gotta separate and shit. We grown. We don’t have to not communicate.”
I giggled nervously. I feared what we could or couldn’t be, and I had every right to, but I was also safe. I knew it was contradictory, but two things could be true at once.
“It’s just the timing of things.” I said the first thing that came to mind.
“Timing?” Rashad repeated with a snicker. “Us doing what we have the entire cruise was alright timing, but us keeping in contact after is a conflict?”
Hearing him say it out loud made it sound worse than what it was. On the cruise, it was no strings attached, fun, and innocent. Going beyond the waves meant opening up to things I was sure I wasn’t ready for.
“When you say it like that, it sounds like all I wanted was the sex.”
“I know the dick is good, baby, but I come equipped with more than that. I’m genuinely a nice, down-to-earth guy.” He spoke in a humorous tone.
The laughter that came from the pit of my stomach couldn’t be prevented if I tried. Rashad delivered good dick every time, and I, too, had seen his good side, so what he had said was true. I was running for my own reasons to protect myself. Offering a smile, I dropped my head a little to the side, my hair falling over my shoulder.
“Can we just enjoy the rest of the time together? I really don’t want to spend the last few hours talking about what it could be, missing out what we already have.” I smiled.
For a few seconds, Rashad just stared back at me. He was either reading me or wanting to say something and choosing his words. Either way, he kept quiet.
“Whatever you say, beautiful,” he agreed with a slight smile.
From the tone I knew, Rashad was only granting my wishes for my sake.I might regret my feelings on the situation later, but in the headspace I was now in, what I had already offered was all I was willing to give.
Sayinggoodbye had never been hard for me, but as Rashad and I stood on the sidewalk preparing to do just that, my heart ached. He had become such a breath of fresh air for my day since meeting him, and I wasn’t ready to let him go. I’d gone on the cruise to enjoy my birthday and to forget Daniel, and Rashad had made both happen.
“Guess this is goodbye.” I spoke softly.
I was the one that said I didn’t want to continue things, and I was already having second thoughts. I’d been hurt more times than I could count, and after Daniel’s heartbreak, I knew it would be hard to trust again, not that Rashaad had given me a reason. He displayed he was real about all he said. Daniel had been that guy before too.
With his duffle bag tossed over his shoulder and hands in his pockets, Rashad stepped my way, forcing my eyes to raise to his. We stood there in silence, Rashad smiling with his eyes and me trying to read them. I didn’t understand the silence; it made things awkward.
I parted my lips to say something, but the words never came since Rashad kissed me. The kiss started off slow and nothing special, but it quickly changed when Rashad encased my waist, pulling me closer to him. I gripped his forearms tightly just when he slipped his tongue into my awaiting mouth. We were kissing in public. It wasn’t over the top, but so many emotions flooded the kiss. I never wanted to let go.
Rashad pulled back, his hand now resting on the side of my face, and I leaned more into it.
“It’s not goodbye, beautiful. More like I’ll see you around.” His deep voice was so calm and soothing. I could listen to him talk all day long.
“It sure feels like it,” I mumbled, dropping my eyes from his.
Rashad chuckled, prompting me to lift my eyes back to his in confusion. What I said hadn’t been remotely funny.
“I miss something?”
“Remember, you didn’t even want any contact once we touched back to land? Why the change of heart?”
