Page 9 of Edged By the Apparition
I was so cozy. That’s all my brain could register as I drifted in and out of consciousness. It was like I was floating on a cloud, my head resting on the softest of pillows. Was I naked? Someone stroked my leg, the lightest of touches, and I was safe. Secure. And…not sad? For the first time in forever, I wasn’t sad.
My eyes fluttered open. I was on the living room couch. It was one of the few pieces of furniture thatweren’tVictorian. Blaise, of course, had wanted a period sofa, but I had insisted on something new. Sofas of that era were so uncomfortable. A couch should be for lounging: big, enveloping, and relaxing.
It’d taken some doing, but I’d convinced him to get the big leather couch I was currently resting on. One of the few splurges when we bought the house, lying on it was like floating on a sea of dandelion fluff. Along with the working brick fireplace, it turned the living room into a sanctuary.
“Blaise?” I called out, even though I could feel him touching my leg. Not being able to see him would be hard to get used to. I knew he was there, but there was an emotional component to it.
“Hi, lover.”His soft words floated through the air, calming the nagging anxiety bubbling up in my chest.
I sighed, closing my eyes and sinking further into the glorious cushions. Was this the best moment of my life? It just might be.
“I guess I’ll have to tell Jen that I don’t want to sell the house after all…” I murmured, my lips pressed against the pillow.
Blaise stopped stroking my leg, removing his…hand? His energy? I didn’t know what to call it, but it disappeared.
“Aw, don’t stop, that was so nice.” My head stayed buried in the cushion, but I assumed my supernatural boyfriend could hear me.
“Tommy? Are you sure you should come back to this house?”
Blaise’s ghostly words were like being plunged into a lake in the middle of winter. I sat up, glancing around, not sure where to look.
“What are you talking about?” I kept my tone clear and even, although inside my mind was spinning out of control. Did he not want me here?
An incorporeal hand rested on my leg, and I started at the unexpected touch. I was no longer in a state of relaxation. Not having a pair of eyes to connect with for this conversation, I stared across the room at a large black and white portrait in a dark-stained wooden oval frame. Inside was a picture of my great-grandfather in a military uniform. I’d never met him, but I’d always thought his eyes were compassionate. Kind.
Now, though, they seemed disapproving. Judgemental.
A quiet breeze blew across me. It sounded like a sigh.
“You have your whole life ahead of you. You shouldn’t be stuck with me in this old house. You should be out there chasing your dreams, having adventures. You’re still in your twenties. There’s time to find someone new, to fall in love again. To build a future together.”
Tears welled up in my eyes and threatened to spill down my cheeks, but I held them at bay with force of will. Was this what he wanted? To send me back to my miserable life?
“You want me gone?” I croaked out, my fingernails digging into the leather cushions.
“Of course not. I just…it will be better for you. Not to be saddled with a dead boyfriend who can’t leave the house. You can’t even see me!”
I couldn’t catch my breath. My chest was so tight it was painful, and I bent over at the waist, gasping and struggling to force air into my lungs.
How could I lose him again? Didn’t he see how miserable I’d been without him? How I had completely given up? My only lifeline had been my sister. The grief had been unbearable.
An invisible hand pressed down on my back, rubbing comforting circles as I tried to recover.“Baby, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that I don’t want you. You are everything to me, and seeing you again was like waking up again after wandering through a fog for five years. But I couldn’t take it if I held you back from the rest of your life. I don’t want my love to be a burden.”
He didn’t understand. I focused on slowing down my breath and regaining control. One breath at a time. In and out, in and out. I could do this. I had to make him understand.
When I found my voice again, I closed my eyes. I needed the right words. The perfect words.
“When you died, I didn’t want to end my life. I’ve never wanted that. I put one foot in front of the other. I left this place behind, left my old job and tried to create something new.”
“Baby—”
I threw my hands up in the air to stop him. “But that was impossible. My life hadn’t ended, but it hadn’t continued either. I was frozen in amber, stuck at the moment I lost you. Iconvinced myself that leaving had been moving on, that a new home and a new career would help me build that. But I was deluding myself.”
I rested my arms on my thighs, my palms up and my fingers spread. Thankfully, Blaise understood what I wanted and intertwined his invisible fingers with my corporeal ones.
“Everything I’d done wasn’t so that I could move on. It was so that I could stop thinking. A job that required no effort. An apartment that needed no upkeep. A roommate who didn’t speak. My bedroom. A single room, a chair, and a mattress on the floor. That was it. Jen tried to break me of it, but I didn’t want to get out.”
Blaise’s hands gripped mine tighter now, but he didn’t say anything. The feel of his fingers in mine imparted the emotional strength that I’d been lacking the past years. A fierce determination burned in me, racing through my blood.
