Page 65 of Under the Seductive Ladys Charm
It was fortunate really that her brother had shown her Lord Stanhope’s true nature. Amanda’s pride cried that she could change him, but she knew that people had to want to see their flaws before they would change. That was something Amanda knew all too well.
If she never slept again maybe it was just as well. The thoughts of all her shortcomings swam in her head. Despite Katrina’s words that she was better off, Amanda wondered if she truly was.
Her brother would certainly do his best to make sure that Lord Stanhope caused no undo trouble for her. But still, Amanda feared what the whisper of scandal could do. After all, look what it had done to Charlotte, and she was the very epitome of lady-like virtue. Amanda in no way thought herself immune and her brother’s persuasion and influence would only do so much if Lord Stanhope chose to spread rumours.
Despite herself, she fell asleep. The next time her eyes opened she was being woken up by Katrina. The maid helped her get dressed while filling the void with small talk.
Once she was alone, Amanda stared at her reflection in her mirror. She looked the same, yet older somehow. “Maybe it’s just the puffiness from my crying last night,” Amanda mused as she turned her head to the side to examine her profile.
She sat there for a long while. She sat there for so long that Katrina had time to return with her breakfast. “I don’t think you’ve moved at all,” the maid said with a frown. “Are you certain that you are not sick?”
“Heartsick, perhaps,” Amanda turned in her chair to face her maid. “Truthfully, I am not well. It is not an ailment that a doctor can cure, though.”
Katrina came over and knelt down beside Amanda. “What is it that troubles you? You know that Lord Stanhope does not deserve your grief.”
“It is not Lord Stanhope that ails me.” Amanda drew in a deep breath. She waved a hand at her reflection. “Is this all I am? This face that stares back at me mocks me.”
Katrina frowned, her hand coming to rest on Amanda’s arm. “I don’t think I understand.”
“A young lady only has so many seasons to find a match. I was late debuting and who is to say with all of this that I shall ever find someone who wishes to marry me?” Amanda choked back the tears. “I do not want to be alone.”
Katrina gave her arm a squeeze, the girl’s pretty face taking on genuine concern and sympathy for her mistress. “You are not alone. You have friends who adore you. And you had plenty of suitors before Lord Stanhope.”
“Yes, and I brushed them all away for a charade.” Amanda sighed and shook her head at Katrina. “What friends do I have? All I had I mistreat. Even you.”
Katrina scoffed. “Nonsense. You have done me no harm. I am still your friend, Miss.”
“It makes me happy to hear that.” Amanda gave the maid a smile. She wondered if she and Charlotte would be able to put their relationship back on the right track. If possible she would like to mend things with the woman. “I just hope that I have not proven my brother correct and finally ruined my future.”
Katrina clicked her tongue and patted Amanda’s hand. She stood up and brushed her skirt back into place. “Loving someone may hurt, but I would never call it a mistake. You saw the best in Lord Stanhope. You even saw that Charlotte had a lady in her.”
“Yes and look what my pushing her into that role earned her. Her reputation is ruined,” Amanda said. The guilt rose up in her and Amanda had no defence against. There was nothing in her that could redeem that.
Katrina poured Amanda some tea. “That talk is foolish. You had nothing to do with Charlotte’s scandal. That is on her and your brother and should not be shouldered by you.”
“Should it not? I practically forced her into that position.” Amanda took the tea. She was not hungry, but she doubted that Katrina was going to let her get away without at least attempting to eat.
Katrina sighed and looked at Amanda much like her teacher used to when she had missed an answer. “You talk of your brother and his ridiculous tendency to martyr himself. Well, I think I’ve finally found the family resemblance beyond your blonde hair and grey eyes.”
Amanda wanted to rebuke her words. She tried to come up with a way to deny them. After all, Amanda was no martyr. Yet, here she was taking on all the blame when it should be shared.
“I think your family’s tendency toward protectiveness and charity is a wonderful thing, but there are those that will use it to their advantage, Miss,” Katrina said with a smile. “I thought you were very clever to suppress that side of yourself. It doesn’t seem like it would be much of an asset in society.”
Amanda looked at Katrina. The maid thought much as she had. Her brother’s weakness was something she strove against. “I used to blame my brother a lot for his weakness. It made him leave me and go off to war with only the staff and my aunt to guide me.” She ran her finger along the lace that adorned her sleeves. “Seeing what he went through with his wife convinced me it was best to marry without love.”
“Did you love, Lord Stanhope?” Katrina asked the question with a respectful dip of her head.
Amanda’s brow furrowed as she thought of the man. “No. I did not truly love him. I was rather attached to the idea of him.” She shrugged and sipped her tea.
“It’s brave to love,” Katrina said, “but not always wise.”
Amanda nodded. “I think I’ve felt the barest touches of love before. It is a frightful thing, and I do not know if I truly have the strength to endure it.”
Katrina smiled. “Yet, you worry that you might not marry.”
“There is quite a difference between marriage and love,” Amanda said with a dismissive wave of her hand. “I’m beginning to think that only fools pursue it.”
Katrina nodded as she turned to leave. “You might be right about that. Certainly didn’t do my mother much good.” With another smile, Katrina was gone from the room, leaving Amanda alone with her thoughts again.
