Page 58 of The Marquis' Game of Seduction
“The letter arrived back when the baby was two months old. I was bleary-eyed and strange at the time. I hardly did anything but attend to the baby and to the nursemaid, staying up long nights while the baby cried so that the nursemaid could get a bit of slumber. Allan, one of the only people who knew of my current plight, was also a big help during this time. On more than one occasion, he also sat up with the baby and held her and fed her. It was a remarkable thing: two 21-year-old men, sitting up with a premature baby. A baby that nobody else in the world knew existed.”
“Amelia reacted poorly. I’d told her about my feelings for Margaret, that I’d never loved a woman in the way I’d loved her and I wanted to uphold her wishes regarding the raising of her baby. But I think Amelia was quite hurt at the time regarding my treatment toward her in the wake of her marriage to Laurence. I believe that she chose to speak to me like a child, rather than the man I knew myself to be—and belittled me and scolded me for making the decisions I’d made thus far. Of course, I attributed all of this to Laurence at the time, although I’m not sure that was entirely fair. Amelia had a right to be angry with me. I had cut her out of my life, only to rush back to her when I needed advice. ”
“I’d told Amelia that I yearned to adopt the baby myself. But she informed me that having a baby at the age of 21 could very well ruin my reputation. People would believe that the baby was mine, that I’d had the baby out of wedlock and that I’d made up the idea of adoption. She told me this would make it difficult for me to find a proper match later, when I wanted to marry. At that time, I truly didn’t care if I married at all. I was still sick in love with a dead woman.”
“Regardless of my intense anger toward my sister, and regardless of my confusion, I still took her words to heart. I suppose that’s simply what one does when one is the younger child. You always uphold your older siblings to be quasi-geniuses, even in the midst of any rage.”
“So I let some time pass. There was no way I was going to take the baby to the orphanage. But I also couldn’t introduce the baby as my own from adoption. Suddenly, time began to pass very quickly. Amelia wrote me, demanding to know what had happened with the girl. I recognised that I needed to make some kind of decision very soon, but I hadn’t a clue what it should be.”
“Emily celebrated her one year of age. She was a vibrant little child, those same bright eyes she still has now. I asked the cook to prepare a little cake, asking for her complete discretion. Allan and Judith and the nursemaid and I gathered with Emily in the tower and played little games with her and sang songs to her. She couldn’t yet talk, but she was just starting to walk. It was mesmerising, seeing this creature grow in strength. At this time, I knew there wasn’t a way that we could ever take her to an orphanage.”
“Father’s illness had begun around this time. I could see him grower still weaker. Judith and I discussed what to do with Emily. And it was decided that we dismiss the majority of the staff members in the mansion and bring Emily inside. We would keep the nursemaid as long as was necessary and demand endless discretion. And then, we would teach Emily to remain only in specific areas of the mansion to avoid suspicion. My father’s illness and my mother’s anxiety kept them stocked away in their own panicked existence. They didn’t have time nor space in their minds to think about the girl—and they’d completely avoided knowing her existence thus far. I felt, suddenly, that we were going to get away with it.”
“When father passed and mother moved to the city, I thought, initially, that Emily could have a bit more free reign throughout the mansion. But Judith stopped this thought immediately. You see, still, only a select few servants knew about the girl. Your friend Anna, she doesn’t suspect a thing. If we suddenly unveiled Emily to the world, then there would be endless gossip—demands about why I’d kept the girl locked away for so long. I knew it would look painfully bad. Plus, I knew that most people would assume that she was mine, still. That she’d been born out of wedlock and I’d done my best to hide her, to keep my sins secret. I didn’t want to do this to her. Not after all we’d been through.
“Oh, but then, suddenly, Amelia returned. And she grew so sick. The last I saw her, her skin was the color of paper and she wept to me, much in the same way that Margaret had. She told me to take her baby. She told me that she wanted to make sure her baby was all right. I wanted to yell at her—tell her that things looked quite different now, didn’t they? Because I completely blamed her for the fact that I couldn’t adopt Emily myself.”
“But I’ve locked myself in this prison of lies, Rose. I could do nothing but bring Duncan to the mansion. It was decided that the little room in the tower would be decorated once more, something Judith slaved away at. And Emily was brought there and told not to enter the mansion and to play on the other side of the tower, to ensure that nobody in the rest of the estate could see her.”
Colin draped his head in his hands and stared at the ground for a long time. Still, Rose clung to one of his hands. She felt like his last lifeboat, his only way toward sanity and solid ground. She squeezed his hand gently, a reminder that she was still there. That she hadn’t run.”
“You must understand, Rose. Judith and I have treated Emily as family, perhaps even better. We love her so completely. We bring her everything she needs. Food and toys and little fine candies from Bond Street. I spend time in the tower and read her little stories. I taught her to read when she was only six years old, an accomplishment we’re both proud of. I know you must think me evil or cruel or cold, Rose, but the truth is, I’ve put all of my heart and soul into this secret—and I wasn’t sure I had anything left for anyone else.”
“What did Emily think this entire time?” Rose asked. “An entire life seeing only a few humans.”
“It’s dreadful when you put it this way,” Colin said, his voice heavy. “But to Emily, the entire situation has been more like a game. Like Duncan, she can make a game out of anything. When she spends time in the mansion, she flits about like she’s a ghost, sometimes causing the servants to murmur about the likeliness of the house being haunted. When she’s in the tower, I call her the princess of the Kensington Estate, and she adores that. I tell her we have to keep her in the tower to ensure she’s safe from the dragon. She feigns fear and lets out a little scream and then runs around in circles, like a dragon is chasing her. Despite coming from a truly dreadful situation, she’s remarkably alive and creative and excited. She knows no other way to live. I marvel at it and pray that I can have just a tiny ounce of her madness.”
“But her madness has got her and I into a bit of trouble. She’s just turned eight years old—and in all of that time, she never saw a single human being her own age. Imagine that. She thought she was the tiniest person in the world. Then, she caught sight of Duncan—sleeping in the very bedroom she has when she’s allowed in the mansion! You must imagine that she lost her mind over it. She snuck out of the tower and rushed to the mansion and—I believe—spoke with Duncan. She mentioned that she met him. I told her that she needed to play by the rules. That this was entirely against the game we’d agreed upon. But I could tell that seeing Duncan and playing with him and laughing with him had rejuvenated her more than anything else.”
“I’ve done all I could for her, Rose. I’ve fought for her and prayed for her. I want little else but her eternal happiness. But she hasn’t been allowed to see anything of the world. I worry that I’ve kept her tethered, a prisoner.”
“No,” Rose whispered. She moved toward him and draped herself across his lap. She pressed both hands across his cheeks and brought his eyes toward hers. “You were a young man in a difficult situation. And you wanted to honor your love for Margaret. There’s nothing wrong with what you did.”
“I was raised in an orphanage. I can attest that the environment isn’t well-suited for children. I was cold and hungry much of the time. I would have loved a kind of knight in shining armor, as you have been for Emily. Please, I’m begging you. Never second-guess this action. Uphold it as the single greatest achievement of your life. Emily was a helpless creature. She would have died without you.”
Colin looked hesitant. He didn’t make any move to press Rose off of his lap. Rather, he wrapped his arms around her waist and held her there.
“But you should have told me, Colin,” Rose whispered. “I would have understood immediately.”
“I’d never told anyone before,” Colin returned. “I’ve kept myself guarded. I’ve thought little about joining the rest of society. And of course, as you heard, I’m sure, I hadn’t had a single party in this mansion in years. It’s as though in order for Emily to survive, I had to end my own life.”
“Stop punishing yourself for your good deeds, Colin,” Rose said. “You deserve so much more than the chaos that stirs in the back of your mind. You deserve light and love and acceptance. The same sort of thing you’ve given Emily, day after day, since her birth. Let me give that to you.”
Colin didn’t speak. Rose’s heart beat little rabbit patters across her chest and into her throat. After a long, tense pause, she closed the distance between them and kissed him tenderly. His arms wrapped tighter around her, and her breasts pressed tight against his chest. The fire continued to crackle beside them. And for the first time—perhaps in either of their lives—they felt entirely safe, no longer thinking about the necessary evils of the world, and eager to pour their hearts toward one another. They overflowed with love.
Chapter 25
Despite the chaos of the previous night, the next day continued on in a similar fashion to all days. Rose marveled at this, as she ordinarily did after traumatic events. How could one eat breakfast after the death of a loved one? How could one wash one’s face after falling in impossible love and finding true meaning in life?
But alas, true schedule had to continue. And this was how she found herself back in the library with little Duncan, who was draped over his paper, flinging a quill across it to draw yet another in a series of portraits of a horse. Was it the same horse? Rose hadn’t a clue.
Rose couldn’t stop thinking about little Emily, who’d hardly played a day in her life with another creature her own age. This had been why she’d stolen out into the night to find Duncan. She’d been mesmerised with him, just as Duncan had been with her. Although Rose felt incredibly close with Duncan, she knew that the closeness wasn’t akin to the way children felt for one another. It was like they were at war, clinging to one another as they grew into adults. She’d felt that way at the orphanage. She’d had brothers and sisters in life.
“Duncan,” Rose began. “Do you remember how you told me a little girl had snuck into your room to play with your toys?”
Duncan lifted his head. “Of course. I haven’t seen her in quite some time. I wonder if she moved.”
Rose felt a wave of panic, yet pressed on. “I wonder if you’d be interested in seeing her again,” she said.
