Page 72 of Treating a Sinful Earl
“I am resolved to whatever feels right for you. I no longer have the power to persuade you, for I know that there is much to consider. My health is not getting any better and I wish that I could protect you from that.”
“But I can make it better! Oh, please listen when I say that there is still a chance. I have been doing more research and I know that I can improve things. Certainly…if we are wed, that would be more tireless work.”
“But I do not wish for our love to be work,” he informed her. “I want for you to be happy, not slaving away at my wellbeing.”
A little smile came to her lips. “But it would make me happy to see you healthy. In fact, nothing in the world would make me happier.”
He brought the backs of his knuckles to her cheek. “But we must love one another without relying upon my health. There is no certainty there. What is certain is that I love you and want to spend what time I have left with you. That is of the utmost importance to me. Nothing else.”
She shook her head from side to side. “Sometimes, I believe that you are too good to be true. Why do you love me so?”
Jasper could have written a novel with all the reasons that he loved her. Instead, he chose to keep it brief. “I love you for your goodness, your kindness, and your beauty. I must admit that from the moment I first saw you, I knew that I had to have you. Of course, I can never have you. My illness has taught me more than anything else that we do not own things in this life. We cannot keep things. We must let go in order to experience true love, which is ephemeral. Do you understand?”
She nodded. “Yes, I understand. I know that I cannot have you forever, but I do wish to enjoy the moments that I can secure.”
“And for saying that, I love you all the more.”
The moment was too ripe to resist. Jasper stepped in closer, taking Catherine into his arms gently. He held her for some time, basking in the feel of her, and her smell. Yes, there was that sense that when he was in her presence, he would never have to die. That because of her love, he could live for ages. But alas, this was not the truth and there was no way around what his fate would be. He just hoped that she would not need to see him suffer.
Holding her in silence, Jasper placed his chin against the side of her head and sighed. The only woman that he had ever loved was resting in his arms and he did not want to ever let her go. That was why his heart sank when she pulled away.
“So, the rumours that you are a rake were not true after all,” she said humorously.
“No, they were not.”
“Why is it that a man as handsome as yourself never took advantage of opportunities?”
Jasper had to think about this. In the end, the answer was simple. “I was never in love. Other men would think it foolish of me that I bypassed the advances of ladies that I was not interested in, but in truth, only love spurs me on to…desire physical intimacy.”
He watched as Catherine coloured. “So, you have never…had such intimacy?”
He clenched his jaw before he replied, “I am afraid that is not true, either.”
Catherine appeared confused and cocked her head. “But you just said…?”
There was much explaining to do. “Catherine, you must know that there was a brief period in my life where I explored the possibilities of loving a woman. Sometimes, I fear that this is where my reputation sprang from. I experienced pleasure but came to realize that this pleasure was nothing when I did not care to spend the rest of my life with the lady that I was with. This happened in my youth, and since then, I have been a man that knows better and behaves accordingly. Sometimes I think that society almost punishes me for this. They wish for me to be a rake, so they have something to gossip about. But those days are gone, and I never wish for them to return. There is only one woman that I love in this world and that is you.”
Her chest heaved and tears appeared in her eyes. Jasper feared that he had said too much, for he could see the clear emotion that she conveyed. What else was there to say? He had spoken his truth and expressed the heart of the matter. Those days were long behind him, and although he did not regret them for the important lesson they had imparted, he was most grateful that the woman that stood before him was the only one for him. Everything else was just a memory.
Chapter 34
There was no time to lose. Catherine knew that if she did not cure Jasper, her love for him would always endure, but her heart would be broken. To prevent this, she would do something that she never had imagined before. Catherine would venture to one of the most exclusive apothecaries in London. She had heard of the man before, and he was the stuff of legend. Harkening from India, his little shop in London was famous for allowing only men. She would bypass this.
In order to be allowed to undertake such a journey, Catherine would need to speak with her father, but this would have to be done delicately. She stepped into his study, discovering him behind his desk. Once there, he looked up and inspected her with curiosity.
“What is it?”
“There is something important that we must discuss.”
“Oh?” he asked, leaning back in his chair.
“Father, I know that the two months shall come to an end, but before I make the decision to go to London, I wish to…experience it for a weekend.”
Of course, this notion was preposterous, but Catherine did not know what else to say or do.
“For a weekend?” he asked with amusement.
Catherine cleared her throat. “Indeed. If you allow me and my chaperone to experience London for the weekend, I shall try to make friends which will prove anchors for me when I…finally move there.”
