Page 44 of Treating a Sinful Earl
Catherine’s heart sank in her chest. It could not be possible! But alas, Jasper was in the forest with her the previous day, and he tried to instigate the kiss before Catherine had the courage to do it instead. Was this a common occurrence for him? Was it often that he met girls in forests and made love to them? The thought was so painful in Catherine’s mind, that she needed to banish it at once lest she lose her heart for all eternity.
“Selina, I do not think that I can speak of this much further.”
Selina looked at her with expectation in her eyes. “Has he done this to you?” she asked.
By what power she knew not, Catherine managed to prevent herself from blushing in that moment, for if she did so, it would be a dead giveaway. Instead, she sat calmly, inhaled, and replied, “There is nothing that has been done to me. Jasper has become a dear friend of mine. I am helping to heal his ailments with my tinctures. That is all.”
Selina leaned back on the bench, no doubt disappointed that she had given such a definitive answer. “You have snuck away together? Oh Catherine, if this has happened, I promise that it was not your fault but the Earl’s doing. Perhaps he has been working on you for some time.”
Catherine finally coloured with indignation. “Do not speak of such nonsense. Jasper has not provoked me to do anything that I did not wish to do. Please understand, there is a mutual affection between us, and I am doing my best to…be more social.”
“Running around with an ill-reputed earl is not a way to be more social.”
She had to pause. It occurred to Catherine that Selina was making her feel dreadful. Was this more of her jealousy, or was this sparked by Selina’s genuine concern? It was impossibly difficult to tell.
“I do not fear the consequences,” Catherine went on, courage filling her. “Each moment that I spend with Jasper is more agreeable than the next. If there is a reckoning for this, then so be it. In his presence, I have never been so happy.”
This last statement was incredibly bold, but Catherine cared not. With everything surrounding her that threatened to tear her asunder, she focused on what made her happy. These were the garden, the forest, and the Earl of Simmons, come what may.
Selina fell silent and stared off into the distance blankly. Would this whole ordeal ruin their friendship? Catherine would hate it if that were the outcome, but she could not care what Selina thought of her. She was entirely at ease with herself.
Just then, a footman came out of doors and presented a letter to Catherine, which she opened at once, despite seeing the Earl’s seal. Selina must have seen the seal, for she rolled her eyes and looked away.
Dearest Catherine,
I know that we encountered one another only yesterday but understand that for me, it feels like a lifetime. I understand why you turned down another walk this afternoon. And if I were to be honest, I would say that I think that it was the right choice. What happened between us yesterday was of the utmost importance, and I do not wish to spoil that by making you think that any intimacy that we shared was all that I care for. Your presence means a great deal to me, whether or never kiss you again or no.
I wish to have you know that I will not do such a thing again unless it is what you want, and you will need to verbally express that to me so that it is clear. Everything that I said yesterday I meant. There is more that I need to tell you which remains tremendously difficult for me, and it is the reason why I have not carried on with our friendship at a more hurried pace. Please understand, that all will make sense in time.
Yours,
Jasper
“Selina, I must be left alone.”
Selina turned to her, her eyebrows raised. “Why is that?”
“Please,” she begged. “I need my privacy now.”
Her friend slowly got up from the bench and said, “Do what you must,” before departing.
Catherine was left alone after this, and she was grateful for it. The reason why she needed her privacy was because it was the most beautiful letter that she had ever read, and she wanted to read it again and again until she memorized all the words.
But there was also a sinking feeling which the letter provoked. There was something sincerely grave about what Jasper said that he had not shared, mostly because Catherine had a feeling that she knew precisely what he was referring to. Jasper was referring to his mortality….
Why was Catherine so sure of this? She did not know, but it was the only logical explanation. Jasper was not telling her something, and it was clear that his health was what he was referring to. Yes, it was all too plain. His health had improved since she was making him tea and tinctures, but there was that lingering fear behind his eyes which always said to Catherine that the situation was more dire than she suspected.
Yet still, he appeared to be a man of robust health, and that was what made it all the more confusing. If there was something that was threatening his mortality, then surely, the doctors must be missing something small and yet vital which was causing it all. Catherine was more determined than ever to get to the bottom of it.
Oh, but that statement about the kiss! He would not kiss her again until she gave him clear signs that that was what she wanted? This gave Catherine absolute power but also filled her with fear, for what if she did not have the courage again to ask?
No, no. Catherine would not think of any of this. The sole solution to all this was to make Jasper healthy so that he had nothing to fear. She had already improved his symptoms, and her new goal was to heal him completely, so that they would be free to love one another. Because if she were to admit it, she did love him, more than she had ever loved any man in her life, and perhaps more than she would ever love a man again. He would be free from what plagued him, and then perhaps, they could share their dreams in life together.
To her shock, storm clouds threatened in the distance and Catherine wondered if they would have a rainy evening. She quickly removed herself from the garden so that she could return to her room and read the letter in privacy. After doing so, and reading the letter several times, Catherine responded with a smile upon her lips all the while.
Dearest Jasper,
I delighted in your letter, and I look forward to strolling with you in the forest again. As it pertains to the intimacy that we shared, trust that I enjoyed every moment of it, and I hope…I hope that it might happen at the appropriate time. There is something that I gleaned from your letter that I had not perceived before. I should very much like to heal you completely, so that there is no lingering doubt or fear in your mind. If you are agreeable to that, then I am confident that we can accomplish it. Trust that I am thinking of you always, and for me, it also feels like an eternity since last we saw one another.
