Page 44 of A Governess' Unbridled Passion
Alice hadn’t noticed the group of women chatting with the dressmaker much until she heard one of them mention the Duke of Haroth. That got her attention, and although she didn’t mean to, she listened in.
“Oh, is he not simply adorable …”
“He is, and no doubt he is also seeking a wife …”
“No, no, I hear he is to marry his very own stepsister, can you believe …”
“That cannot be …”
“Oh, but they can; they are not blood relatives …”
What? Was this simple gossip, or was it true? Alice felt nauseous as her stomach churned at the news. She hadn’t heard any such thing, but then she had no idea what went on in the duke’s private life. Surely, he didn’t like Lady Davina that much, did he? No one liked her; what was he thinking?
As panic set in, Alice dashed from the shop, buying nothing and only too glad to be outside and away from the tattling tongues.
What does that make me?she mused, walking at a fast pace to get away from the women in the shop.Am I to be a mistress? Has he taken me for a fool all this time?
Alice made her way to the large minster, at least there she might find some peace, what with her turbulent thoughts. She walked uphill and soon arrived at the building where huge square towers loomed over her. Upon entering the open doorway to the large minster, Alice looked up in awe at the height of the church.
There was no one else around, and she sensed the echoey, lonely feeling of the place. It felt magnificent, though, with its many enormous arching pillars. But Alice wasn’t interested in its architecture; all she sought was solace. She went to sit on a long wooden pew to pray her heart out to her god if only he would listen.
I love him so very much; what shall I do with this news?she pleaded with her god with closed eyes.I know that our love is not permitted. But then, perhaps his love is not returned anyway.Alice agonised as she held her hands together in prayer as if her god might provide her with some sort of answer.
Our love can never be, not if he’s planning to marry another,she convinced herself, gasping as she held onto a tiny sob that tried to escape.What a fool I’ve been for believing his sweet whispers of romance,she thought, bowing her head in shame.
Alice was lost in the depths of doubt, aware that what she had done with the man was wrong. She had not meant for their lovemaking to be sinful.
I thought our belief in honesty was between two people who loved one another, but how wrong I have been.
With that last thought, she guessed Lord Phillip intended that she be his mistress. What else could he have meant? She could never become his wife; it would be considered a scandal!
“Heavenly Father, please forgive my sins,” she whispered before repeating the Lord’s Prayer. Alice hoped that God might guide her, that was if he could forgive her.
A small tear escaped as she felt so alone in the world. Between her and her brother, she’d always been the confident one, the one who dared to try out new things. He’d rebelled against receiving an education and returned to the farm to learn a trade of working with horses. And now, she wished that she’d never become a governess. She should never have listened to her aunt, the one who’d encouraged her to make something of herself.
What is the point of anything?She battled in her mind, walking out of the dark church and into the brightness of the day.I can never marry the man I love, and so I vow I will never marry at all,she told herself.I am destined to be unloved by any man.
As it wasn’t time for her carriage ride yet, she walked about the graveyard of the huge church, pondering on the lives of those who lay beneath her feet. Some had huge elaborate gravestones with loving words engraved into them. That would never happen on her gravestone, for there was no one who would miss her.
I’ll only be needed at Haroth Hall another few years,she told herself.The children will soon be too old for a governess.
The trees whispered, their branches dancing in the breeze and giving her comfort. A robin perched on a branch, sharing its melody with her, and that, too, was soothing. The walk outdoors had served her well, and she began to return to the agreed destination for her ride home.
When she arrived there, the driver was already waiting, and they set off, leaving the town of Ripon behind and all its cruel gossip. Determined not to think about the marriage of the duke and the French woman, she forced herself to watch the passing scenery. A patchwork of farmers’ fields, stone walling aplenty, and the sounds of grazing animals all accosted her sight and sounds.
In no time, the carriage was pulling up at the manor house, and Alice disembarked. She intended on popping in to visit Lady Beatrice. But upon arriving there, the child was sleeping. Alice returned to her own room with an empty feeling swelling in her mind.
I do not imagine that he loves Lady Davina, but then again, his words of love are not to be trusted, are they?She continued to agonise as thoughts of him entered her head uninvited.
Kicking off her shoes and overcoat, she threw herself on the top of the neatly made bed, giving out a sigh as she hugged a pillow. Burrowing her face in the softness, she let out a sob but then fought it back.
I cannot keep crying over a love that is lost … no … not lost … it is a love that never was,Alice reproached herself.
But the tears would not stay away, and for the next hour, she sobbed on and off, sharing her secrets with her pillow. Closing her aching, puffy eyes, she wondered how much fun the duke and Lady Davina were having on their picnic with Lord Jacob.
That brought on thoughts of the children and how much she had learned to love them. The tragedy of losing their mother and then their father had left them almost alone in the world. Luckily, at least, the duke appeared to love them too. But what would become of them when Lady Davina became their stepmother?
Shivering at the very thought, Alice allowed her mind to drift away. She told herself that if she slept, she would not need to worry about any problems. They would all disappear, and so she was soon drifting off into a land of dreams or even nightmares.
