Page 28 of An Earl's Scandalous Return
He pulled back slightly, his eyes slowly shuttering. She knew she had to catch him before he hardened against her again and went to that place she could not reach him.
“Edward, can we talk about the past and why I did not come to you when you asked. Please?”
Then, he pulled away in full, getting to his feet and straightening his waistcoat.
“No, Arabella. I need to go for a walk. I will send food to your room and see you later. Rest well.” His voice was not unkind, but it was abrupt, and Arabella wanted to cry again as she watched him walk out of the room and shut the door behind him.
When will we ever get things right?
Chapter 30
Edward did as he said he would and ate himself, but he was in no mood to eat. When he was finished, he went outside. Night would soon be there to hang around the place like a shroud, but even so, he stalked off towards the road, needing movement and time alone to think clearly. The day had been incredibly frustrating, without finding the right Gregory and realising that perhaps they had, but the man had fooled them.
We have no way to prove it anyway, as Arabella said.
Arabella. Now, there was a conundrum to say the least. Yet again, he had allowed his feelings for her to take hold of his common sense. Seeing her cry, seeing her heartbreak at what her father had done had made all his defences crumble.
That kiss had been possessive and hungry, and even if he was embarrassed when she’d pushed him away, she was right. It was not the right time when they were in the middle of this mess with seemingly no way out just yet.
Not now was what she’d said.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to decide what that could mean. Did it mean there was a time in the future when their kiss could mean something? Or that it was too late after all the pain that she’d caused?
His old anger wanted to believe that it was too late, that she did not deserve to simply kiss him and get him to fall in love with her all over again after she’d left him alone, waiting there for her to run away with him.
But she had also wanted to explain, asking to talk, but he’d not allowed her. He could have learned what it had meant if only he’d allowed her – if only he’d not run off in fear.
Can we talk about the past and why I did not come to you when you asked? Please?She’d asked him right after their kiss, and the situation had changed so suddenly that he didn’t know what to say or think.
And then he knew he could not have talked about it then, not when his mind was so muddled by desire, not when she was looking at him as if he was the greatest thing on Earth. He couldn’t just talk about it either.
He wanted to have an argument about it, to yell and scream, to remember all the anger that he’d been keeping so deep inside him for years now that it felt like a part of him. But even that anger he knew was getting slowly less, yet he still wanted to fight her, to learn why he had to spend the last four years pining for her, in anguish at the loss of her.
The night air was cool, and he paused in his walk, breathing in and out. He couldn’t go back to the room, not when he felt like this, on fire with need and something akin to love. Their interactions, too, that day had been something like friendship, like the days of old when they had not only enjoyed the desire that sparked between them but also the conversations, the wit, the laughter.
It made the hollowness inside him come to the surface, and he rubbed a hand on his chest, hating the ache, wanting it to go away. Now that he was not travelling, enjoying new sights, meeting new people, and learning new things, he had nothing to distract himself with. Wherever he turned now, she was there, reminding him of the kinship and love he’d lost.
He had to remain away from her until he regained control of himself. Revenge was forgotten, but he did want to get through their job of finding Gregory. He had to focus on saving Alvin’s marriage, and then he could go back to his father and try to return to a normal life, without a confusing woman in the mix. He walked a little more before he returned to the inn and glanced at the stables. His carriage was in there, and an idea formed in his mind.
I could remain in there for the night.
But first, he went to buy himself a bottle of wine, and then he stalked out to the stables, hopping into the carriage and shutting the door. He leaned back with a sigh on the one seat, uncorking the wine bottle and taking a long sip. Yes, this would do for him tonight.
No waking up with her in his arms, trying to protect her, or feeling guilty for being unkind. He could simply be.
Sleep came faster than he expected. Yet again, the past came to him in sleep, and he got snatches of Arabella. The way she smiled, the way her eyes lit up when she spoke about someone or something she loved. The way she would say what she thought, in witty banter, at society functions, and people would be a little scandalized.
He’d never forget her teasing, bold manner or how her whole face shone under the light of the stars. She’d begun to take an interest in stars ever since, and he wondered if she still looked up at them and thought of him. If she had thought of him in the years past.
He awoke only once and drank again, trying to lull himself back to sleep. Something that had irked him ever since he’d seen her again at that ball came back to him then in full clarity. Why had she never married?
It didn’t appear that she was even being courted by anyone, even though she was everything lovely and wonderful. A little part of him wondered and hoped that perhaps she regretted the past.
She said as much at breakfast. That sometimes people make the wrong choices, or rather that sometimes she made the wrong choices.
He glanced up when the sound of stirring horses met his ears. His back and neck hurt, cramping himself up in his carriage, but he was glad for the time alone. He thought she would be as well. After another sip of wine, he put the bottle down and lay back again. His hands were over his chest, his fingers patting out a rhythm.
It wasn’t just that he wondered if she regretted the past and hurting him. But Edward was curious if any part of her, even a small part, kept her from marrying another because ofhim. That she still might be in love with him.
