Page 37 of The Wicked Duke's Convenient Bride
The words were hard to say. He so seldom apologized, and the few times that he had were never quite so serious as this one.
“I should have been honest with you, like you were with me,” he said. “If I had been, so much could have been avoided. The truth is that I married you for the selfish reasons I mentioned, wanting an heir and for my mother to leave me be. I thought we could have a marriage of convenience and would mean nothing to one another. I truly did, Tabitha.”
“I understand.”
“Yes, I know you do. The truth is that I was wrong, though. I did not think this would be as hard as it is. I told myself that I could simply perform my duty as the Duke of Hillsburgh, but I have not even been able to do that.”
“No one could blame you for it,” she said. “You loved—still love—Her Grace very much.”
“Yes. But I am partly to blame. I have not exactly told everyone that I still love Rosemary, much less that I am still searching for her.”
Tabitha’s face softened. “Are you? After all this time?”
“Yes,” he replied.
Matthew paused, waiting. He had anticipated anger and indignation from her, some rekindling of the previous night’s argument, but Tabitha only gazed sadly at him. She did not appear even a little vexed by his confession. “I am so sorry,” she murmured. “Have you managed to find anything?”
He took a steadying breath followed by a sip of wine and a spoonful of warm, hearty soup. “Maybe.”
Matthew recounted what Jonathan had told him about hearing of a woman who matched Rosemary’s description and miniature. Tabitha listened, seemingly with rapt attention, while he went over the details. Then, he told her about how he had asked after his daughter Elaine, who would be a young lady by now—only a handful of years younger than Tabitha herself.
Tabitha remained quiet while he explained it all, and once he was finished, she took a shuddering breath. He watched her carefully, as a man might an easily frightened animal.
“It must have been so very hard for you.” Her voice was calm and collected, not an ounce of fury to be found. “I am sorry that you have suffered so. I wish that I could be of some help to you.”
“Yes, well, I doubt there is anything anyone can do except for men like Jonathan,” Matthew said. “I have often felt helpless myself. At first, I joined the searches. I looked all over the dukedom for her, searched all the surrounding villages, spoke to all my tenants, and offered a king’s ransom for any information. I was certain that she and my daughter were being held by some miscreants, but after all that time, there was nothing.”
“Oh, Matthew,” she murmured. “That would be so terrible.”
“Yes. And at first, the ton was helpful. They were eager to help me find Rosemary. We all searched and exhausted every possible lead, and there were many in the early days. There were false leads and people who lied, hoping to curry favour with me or cheat me out of money. But eventually, interest faded. After a year, only Rosemary’s family and I kept searching for her.”
“How terrible,” muttered Tabitha.
“It was. And I kept searching for her,” Matthew continued. “I refused to accept defeat, but eventually, new rumours began. People told me that she was surely dead and that I needed to marry again. It was for the good of the dukedom, and I refused for years. I told them that I could not marry again until I knew she was dead. There was no proof that she was. Neither Rosemary nor Elaine ever appeared.”
Tabitha leaned forward, her face so sympathetic that Matthew felt something inside him break. He rarely spoke of Rosemary with anyone, and there was something simultaneously freeing and terrifying about having brought her into the open.
“Eventually, I was forced to concede. The Prince Regent declared them dead, and I suppose that I should have been grateful. Everyone seemed to believe that I would be. I think they expected me to wed at once, and some of the ton even offered their daughters to me. I fled to the country simply to be rid of them all.”
“How terrible,” Tabitha said, “that they would not even let you … remain unwed and keep searching.”
Matthew slowly nodded. “It was, but eventually, I realized that I could not search on my own. I had no real skills for gaining information, and the dukedom needed me. I said nothing more about Rosemary and instead began hiring Bow Street runners to do my investigations for me. They searched all of England for a sign of my wife and daughter, and when their searches proved fruitless, I persuaded some of them to search the Continent for her.”
“Which brings us to the present.”
“Yes.”
Tabitha spread her fingers out over the table. She looked thoughtful. “I am sorry again,” she said slowly, “for all the terrible things I said. I promise I will never disrespect Her Grace or your memories of her ever again. Perhaps I was dissatisfied with our relationship, but I was being very selfish. You were delivering what you promised, and that should be enough.”
“Tabitha …”
“We do not even need to share the bedchamber or consummate our marriage,” she added. “I understand now why the idea would upset you, and I think it best that we not do anything of the sort. I do not mind now that I understand your rationale.”
“You should not have to give up every marital bliss for me,” he said. “You are allowed to be a little selfish, Tabitha.”
“I know,” she said, “but of late, I have been too selfish. I promise I shall be fine, and—and I will not pressure you to consummate the marriage. I do not want you to feel like I am forcing you to do anything. You need not be my husband in anything other than name, truly.”
He stared at her, an odd feeling rising within him. Matthew was not certain what to make of Tabitha then. She was all womanly kindness and sympathy, and when he looked at her, he thought of Rosemary. And yet—
