Page 16 of All or Nothing
I also found thick tube socks rolled up on a shelf above the bar that the clothes hung off of, and I snagged two and rolled them onto my freezing cold feet. I felt bad about getting the pristine white fabric dirty with my disgusting feet (I hadn’t had any footwear this entire time), but it was so nice to not be barefoot anymore.
Pleased, I closed the closet and scooped up my pajamas and started heading out of his room. But just before I got to the panel with the button that would let me out I paused. Iwasall alone in here. Would it really hurt anything to poke around a little before I left?
I hesitated, biting my bottom lip. I mean, he’d been so nice, rescuing us and giving us food and medicine and whatnot. And he’d let me in here and given me free rein, trusting me with his personal space. It wasn’t right to snoop. But if I just walked around, looking at what was already out, was that still snooping? I mean, if he left it out knowing I’d be in here, that must mean it wasn’t private, right?
I clutched my pajamas to my chest in a loose bundle, walking carefully around the perimeter of the small room, taking in the details. It was clear that he didn’t live here full-time; it was nice, but there wasn’t much to it, the walls bare except for the flower drawing and no shelves anywhere with personal stuff on them. I tried not to be disappointed by that. There was a desk though, with a tablet resting on the top, the screen dark. I noticed paper peeking out from under the tablet, and I carefully lifted it, memorizing where it had lain so I could put it back exactly where I left it.
I gasped at the drawing that emerged. It was a woman, probably alien, her face in profile as she gazed out a window she was seated in front of. She had the same horns as Xollen, though hers were much smaller, and the lean lines of her body could have been a feminine version of his as well, making me think she was the same kind of alien as him. It was a simple sketch, but drawn with such tenderness and care that it felt…intimate. The paper looked worn, the edges soft and curling without the weight of the tablet on them, and my heart sank as I realized this was probably his girlfriend. Maybe even his wife. Or mate? I wondered if aliens actually had mates or if that was something that was just from the books.Of course he’d have someone waiting for him back on Billy-ooh, I thought bitterly.He’s so gorgeous and sweet. I sighed, trying to let go of my disappointment. It wasn’t like I ever really had a chance with him, anyway.
I wanted to groan when I realized then that I’d been thinking some bad thoughts about myself just now, and I put the tablet back over the sketch, standing straighter. I sucked in a breath and shook out my tangled, bleach-fried hair. Who was to say that I didn’t have a chance with Xollen? He was an alien, and it wasn’t like I was hideous. So what if I was fat? No one so far had made me feel bad about that, and it wasn’t like it was an objectively bad thing in the first place. I’d beenmadeto feel bad about it, but it wasn’t bad, it justwas.
Without Dr. Jackson here to help me I’d have to make sure I kept on top of myself with that kind of thing. It was crazy that even after five years with her I still caught myself doing that shit: ragging on myself, tearing myself down, bullying myself inside my own head. It was loads better than it had been before, but it still happened a lot, and I was impatient for it to go away.
You’ve got to be patient with yourself, Joss,I could hear her telling me, a soft smile on her dark brown face.It didn’t start happening all at once and it’s not going to get better all at once. So just focus on catching it and correcting it when it happens, and never mind how long it takes. I nodded as if she was here, as if she could see me, then turned and headed out of Xollen’s room to meet him back in the control room.
CHAPTER TEN
Xollen Makes a Friend?!
XOLLEN
WHEN JOSSfinally joined me on the bridge I was a little calmer, my mind turning over the things she’d told me. She’d been through a lot of hardships in her life, and while my hearts hurt for her, I was also a strange kind of glad. It meant that she would probably be able to better understand me. Even Derris, as much as I knew he cared for me, didn’t quite understand what it was like to be on the outside looking in, and I was desperate for someone to finallygetit. And I felt like Joss did—she had already said she understood how I felt about my art, and she hadn’t flinched in the slightest at the fact that I’d been kicked out of my program. She hadn’t gently suggested, like Derris sometimes did, that maybe I should just do what my parents wanted to keep the peace. And possibly most exciting of all, she looked upon my hideously deformed face with fondness, as if shelikedlooking at it, beyond just tolerating it.
She glided in with a shy smile on her round face, her hands smoothing the front of her borrowed shirt. She’d chosen my coral Hevetta shirt and some Ishta wide-leg pants, filling them out far better than I ever had. I felt my mouth begin to water at the sight of her, all full curves and feminine softness in my clothes—a fact that had me wanting to growl and sweep her into my arms possessively. I had the sudden perverted urge to put my mouth on her, to taste her golden-brown skin and sink my teeth into her delicate softness. My cock twitched in my pants, growing heavier with a tingling rush. I swallowed, shifting nervously in my seat, shocked by my reaction. I’d never had that happen before, not even with Verilla, a stunningly beautiful billieuan by all rights. But while Verilla was attractive, she’d never caused me to…awaken, like Joss was doing. She was lighting me up just at the sight of her.
“Does it look okay?” she asked me. I mentally shook myself and smiled at her, swallowing desperately in an attempt to get moisture into my dry throat.
“You look fantastic,” I managed, my voice cracking at the end in a way that made me wince. “I’m glad you were able to find something that wasn’t too big on you.”
She looked at me strangely, one eyebrow lifting, before breaking into another smile. “Yeah. Sure. Thanks again for letting me borrow this. Um, so what are you up to in here?”
The truth was that I was hiding from Uraka and the rest of the females I’d rescued, but I didn’t want to admit that to Joss. I wanted her to think I was brave and capable. For her to turn to me for protection and comfort. “Just checking up on the autopilot and making adjustments,” I lied smoothly, flicking through screens on the console at random. I had no idea what I was looking at.
“Cool,” Joss said, sitting in the co-pilot’s chair beside mine. “How’s it looking?”
“Everything looks good; we should get to Billieu without incident. Do you have a mate, Joss?” I blurted, feeling my neck and face flame. Where hadthatcome from?
She blinked at me, looking surprised, before twisting her mouth into an odd smile. “Nope!” she declared, grinning at me and pulling her pale gold hair over her shoulder to comb through it with her fingers. “Do you?” she asked me, her voice quiet and unsure.
“No, I have no one,” I assured her quickly. For some reason, it felt vital that I tell her that as soon as possible. For the first time in several lunars I wasgladthat Verilla had cut me loose. It meant my path to Joss was clear. If she would want me.
She chuckled, color staining her cheeks. “Well, that’s good to know, then. Um—because if you had someone, then obviously that would change the dynamic of how I’d help you. Of course.”
“Yes. Certainly.” I cleared my throat, my fingers tingling with the urge to smack her hands away and take over combing her hair for her. But I resisted; now was not the time to start courting her, not when she was fresh off of a traumatic experience and about to have to rebuild her whole life. I may have been an idiot, but I knew that much. Though I couldn’t stop myself from staring at her face, drinking her in.
Beyond just being beautiful, what I liked about Joss was howkindshe looked. There was no hard edge to her glances, no daggers hiding in her smiles, and I found that almost as attractive as the sparkle of her brown eyes or the plump bow of her lips. She made me feel…safe.
I wanted to know everything about her, but when it came to it, my brain stuttered to a halt and refused to supply me with anything. The only question that would float to the surface was “what does your cunt taste like?” and obviously—obviously—that was about as far from appropriate as you could get.
Goddess be blessed, Joss spoke first, saving me from myself yet again. “So what sorts of things are there to do on the shuttle for fun?”
I shrugged, trying to think of just one of the things that I usually did that sounded impressive. “I spend some of the time drawing. But unfortunately there isn’t much to do on a vessel this size when so much of it is automated.”
“You don’t have any games or anything?”
“A few, but most of them require more than one player. And usually I am alone—” I snapped my mouth shut, not wanting to sound pathetic. But the truth of it was that I was alone most of the time.
Joss tilted her head, then smiled warmly and swept out her arm. “Well lookee here, you’ve got someone you can play a game with right now!” She leaned closer to me, her voice dropping. “I’m not very good at games, but so long as you promise not to laugh at how bad I am I’m down to play something.”
