Page 27 of All or Nothing
“You—you said you never wore it and told me to rehome it. You said ‘it’s not getting the attention it deserves with me so I might as well find it a place where it’ll get more love’. Yousaidthat to me!”
His tail whipped furiously behind him, so fast I could hear it slicing through the air. He crossed his arms over his chest and frowned at me. “I don’t remember that conversation,” he seethed, making me see red.
“Well, that’s not my fault!” I exploded, the pitch of my voice creeping towards a screech. “And quite frankly I’m getting really sick of you blowing up at me like this. If you don’t want me around then I’ll just go stay with Uraka instead.” I hated the tears that were springing to my eyes. It was just sohard, going from feeling like Xollen was moments away from kissing me one day to feeling like he wanted to toss me in a dumpster with the rest of the trash the next.
I didn’t deserve this kind of treatment.
When I blinked the tears out of my eyes and I could see Xollen better, I was shocked to see how upset he looked. His eyes were big and sad, the swirls slowed to a crawl. His whole body had slumped. His tail had stopped whipping around and had begun to twine around his leg. For a while he just stood there, looking at me with a miserable expression on his face that shouldn’t have made me feel guilty…but it did. “I’m sorry,” he rasped, before he spun around and retreated into his room, closing the door behind him and leaving me feeling brittle and cold.
I DIDN’T SEEXollen that day, or the day after. In fact, I didn’t see his beautiful, infuriating face for two more days, when it was time to move everything out of the swanky penthouse and into the public dorm he’d secured.
When I saw him waiting for me in the kitchen I froze and was tempted to go back into my room and hide, but we had too much to get through today. So I straightened my spine and took a deep breath and walked in like I owned the place and his presence didn’t bother me.
To be honest, I wasn’t even mad at him. Mostly I was just…hurt. Hurt that he kept believing the worst of me when I’d been trying so hard to show him my best. It left me feeling so uncertain and scared. I was completely at his mercy until my citizenship went through and I could get help from the government. I guessed I could always crash with Uraka and Djelani, especially now that I had my own wristcom and could call them, but I thought Uraka might show up and literally rip Xollen a new one if she found out I needed to get away from him. As mad and frustrated as I was with the big jerk I didn’t want him maimed.
“Good morning,” I said tightly, heading over to the food synthesizer to grab some “oatmeal”. They didn’t have oats here but they had this seed stuff that tasted pretty similar.
Sad violet eyes locked onto my face, his throat bobbing with a heavy swallow. “Joss. I’m sorry about the other day,” he said. “I didn’t mean to blow up at you like that. You didn’t deserve it. I-I got you a little something, to say I’m sorry.” He slid a small wrapped package across the table towards me.
I sighed, feeling so, so tired all of a sudden. “Xollen, I don’t want a present. I don’t need one. What Ineedis for you to work on your temper. I can’t keep doing this with you, even if I do like you a lot. It’s not fair to either of us. Not fair for you to be so triggered all the time and not fair for me to get yelled at for just trying to help.”
I felt bad, seeing how much he looked like a kicked puppy, but I stayed strong. Healthy boundaries made for a healthy relationship, Dr. Jackson liked to say. This was a line I was drawing in the sand, and I really did think it was best for both of us. I’d had a lot of time to think about it. “A-alright,” he whispered. “I guess that’s fair.” His voice gained more strength when he asked, “so does that mean you don’t accept my apology?”
I considered. “I’ll accept this one,” I told him, crossing my arms over my chest. “But if there’s a next one, for this exact same reason…I don’t know that I will. I like to think I’m pretty forgiving and easy-going, but Xollen…this is getting to be too much. I don’t want to leave but if you keep pushing me away and picking fights I might have to leave. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
He nodded, looking like he might cry himself. “Yes, I understand. I just wish—I wish I knew what to do to be better for you.” He stood up from his seat across from me and crouched beside me, flinging his arms around my waist and pressing his face into my side before I could react. One of his horns was jabbing me in the ribs, but I felt him shivering against me, his breaths quick and unsteady. “What do IdoJoss?” he repeated into the side of my gut, which was nice and fluffed out since I was still sitting. My impulse was to shove him away and hide it, but he was breaking my heart with this.
I sighed and wrapped my arms around his head and shoulders, making soothing noises while I got up my courage. “Have you ever considered trying therapy? Getting help from someone whose specialty is in helping people with their thoughts and emotions?
He squeezed me tighter. “I already see one of those, an emoreg. Emotional regulator.”
Jesus, this was Xollenwiththerapy?! My heart sank, the thought that he might truly be beyond help making my stomach sink.
“What do you do with this—uh, emoreg…person. What sorts of things do you talk about?” I asked him.
He shrugged, nuzzling his face closer to me in a way that made me ache. “I talk to them once a month, they ask me how I’ve been feeling, and if I’ve been feeling bad then they adjust my medications. They’re very nice, they always listen to me and my problems.”
Hope bloomed. Maybe he just had a therapist—or emoreg, I guess—that was a bad a fit. “They don’t have you do any thought exercises or give you ways to cope or self-soothe? They don’t encourage you to establish corrective experiences? What about tackling behavioral adjustments, do they do that?”
He pulled back to look up at me, his brow furrowed. “No, never. Am I supposed to be doing that?”
“I don’t know, probably? It might look different here but those are the sorts of things Dr. Jackson was doing with me back on Earth. Once we’re settled into the new place maybe see about trying a different emoreg doctor, see how the experiences compare.”
His eyes filled with hope. “You think that would help?”
“It won’t hurt, right?” I gently combed his silky deep blue hair back from his face, un-snagging it from around his horns and his jewelry for him. He closed his eyes at my touch, a look of bliss crossing his features as my fingertips skimmed over his scalp and horns. God, he was so fucking beautiful it made my heart hurt. It wasn’t even just that he was pretty—though hey, that didn’t hurt. It was moments like these, where he was soft and vulnerable with me, showing me that he was just scared and hurting underneath the anger and the freakouts, showing me that he needed me, that hewantedme. He wasn’t grossed out by gut or my rolls, didn’t think my body hair was nasty, didn’t mind that I was kind of loud when I got excited. He didn’t think I was trashy because I was and from the south side of Chicago. I swallowed hard, trying to get myself under control before I launched myself at him and broke a bunch of their hygiene laws. “I want to see you feel better, Xollen, so promise me you’ll at least try it.”
His eyes cracked open, his expression dazed and hungry when he looked back up at me. “Of course, Joss. I’ll try it.”
Smiling, I gave his silky strands one last finger comb and released him. “Good. Thanks. Now we should probably finish breakfast and get ready for the movers, right?”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The Move
XOLLEN
IT WASheartbreaking, leaving the apartment that had been the first place I’d made my own, away from the controlling presence of my parents, but I had to admit that I was eager to be done with the move itself. I was regretting clinging to so many of my things, knowing that it meant that there was now that much more to cart over to the next place. Did I really need to keep five boxes’ worth of designer clothes and shoes? Did I really want my collection of crystal figures, a gift from my late grandparents, at this new place? Where would I even put them in a public dorm? But it was too late now; I was stuck with it all for the foreseeable future.
