Page 3 of All or Nothing
CHAPTER TWO
El Lonely Boy
XOLLEN
MY CONSOLElit up with another notification about an incoming comm from my best friend, Derris. Yet again, I silenced it and focused on the autopilot’s route to Quellor Station as if I could understand any of what I was seeing. I didn’t want to ignore him, of course, especially when this was the first time he’d reached out to me since he had mated to Gesea five lunars ago. But if he knew what I was up to way out here there was no way he’d let it stand.
What was it about best friends and their terrible timing? Lunars upon lunars with almost no word from him and as soon as I was about to do something stupid he was suddenly determined to talk to me.
I sighed, scrubbing my hand down my face and contemplating my life yet again. It was both a blessing and a curse that I couldn’t pinpoint any one decision that had tipped everything one way versus another. On the one hand, it helped me to not beat myself up over it too much, but on the other, it meant I had no way to stop it from happening again.
I had had a decent relationship with a beautiful and high-class woman, I had been in university studying to take over my parents’ media empire, and I had been feeling pretty good. I never felttrulygood, but I had felt well enough. And then Verilla had left me, saying I was too sensitive and hideous for her to stomach me despite my family’s reputation and wealth, and I was failing all my classes, and I was feeling very far from good.
Loud blaring startled me from my rankling thoughts, making me jump and yelp. What in the name of the Goddess wasthat?
“Xollen Me’Tirri Be’Faan, why are you avoiding me?” Derris’s voice snapped, making my bowels feel slightly liquid.
“D-Derr?” I called tentatively, whipping around to try and find him.
“I sent the comm as an SOS. Now youhaveto talk to me, you piece ofvrakaash.”
I winced. “I wasn’t avoiding you,” I tried. “I was…in the hygiene room?”
He snorted, the sound of a chair creaking in the background. “Xoll, I’ve known you since we were five orbits. I know when you’re hiding.” He cleared his throat, and when he spoke next his tone had softened. “Listen, I know I’ve been kind of…absent since me and Gesea made it official, and I’m sorry for that. I hope you know it wasn’t on purpose.”
I was torn. I wanted to be mad at him, to make sure he knew my hurt, but this wasDerris. The male who’d stood up for me against bullies, who’d made sure I had a fun birthday when my parents forgot or made it miserable, who was the only one who thought my art was worth spending my time on. I sighed, slumping back into my chair. “I know,” I told him quietly.
I could hear the smile in his voice when he spoke. “I missed you, Xoll. It’s been too long.”
“I missed you too, youvrakaashaad,” I grumbled, a smile of my own twitching the corner of my lips.
He chuckled. “So why are you avoiding me?” he pressed.
“I was hoping you’d forgotten about that.”
“Not a chance. My ‘Xollen is up to something’ alarm has been blaring all day. What is it?”
I squirmed. “I-I can’t tell you, Derr. It’s…”
“Illegal?”
I jolted. How in the name of the Goddess did heknow?I neither confirmed nor denied it, my tail lashing the air behind me.
He sighed, and I could just picture his copper eyes squeezing closed, his mouth pressing into a hard line in exasperation. “Xoll…” he said in a warning tone.
“I just—I have to do something, Derr.” I waved my hand in the air as if he could see the gesture. “I don’t want to talk about it but I promise I’ve thought about it a lot and I’m—I’m sure.”
He was quiet for several minutes. “Is this about Verilla?” he asked quietly.
I tensed, spine snapping straight. “Not really,” I hedged. It wasn’t about her per se, but she was a piece of the equation. With my people’s extremely strict hygiene laws, physical intimacy between unmated partners was illegal, punishable by life in prison, and mating rights being taken away. But I was the only person I knew my age who was still unmated without any prospects whatsoever.
I wanted to be touched so badly I ached. At this point, it wasn’t even about sex—although if I could get it I wouldn’t be upset. I just wanted to hold and be held. To feel someone’s skin against mine, their body heat seeping into me, without any PPE between us.
I could feel Derris’s piercing look across the comm and several planets’ worth of distance. “Just be careful, Xollen,” he said at last, and I loosed a breath in relief. I really did love Derris, he was a good male and a better friend. Gesea was a lucky female. “If you need someone to bail you out call me last,” he teased.
We chatted for a bit longer, then ended the comm, with me promising to call him once I got back home.
It was good to hear from my oldest and best friend, but it hadn’t helped my nerves to be reminded of just how risky all this was. But I felt…trapped. Desperate. I’d gotten a letter from my university saying I’d been dropped from my program, and on top of what had happened with Verilla, and Derris mating Gesea, and all the other matings that my parents were constantly shoving in my face, it had just gotten to be too much.
