Page 31 of All or Nothing
I shrugged, stepping through the office door. “I’m just good at faking it. Inside I’m screaming and throwing up.”
He chuckled, squeezing my hand one last time before peeling away to talk to the front desk person. “Well, you had me fooled.”
We took our seats in the waiting room. There were only two other couples there and they were getting through people really quickly, so even with the physicals and the bloodwork we were in and out in just a couple of hours.An Earth office could never.
Once we were on our way home, officially courting in the eyes of the billieuan government, I noticed Xollen was a little quiet and withdrawn.
I immediately assumed the worst.
My thoughts started spiraling the longer he was silent. Was he regretting this? Was he no longer interested in me now that he had me? Did he regret making this commitment to me? By the time we were walking through the doors, my heart was more than halfway to being broken.
But now that we were alone, I decided to do something about it. What was it helping, keeping it all to myself and locked away? Dr. Jackson would be telling me I needed to communicate, to stop torturing myself and get clarity. Worst case scenario was that I was right, but knowing that meant I could do something about it and start healing.
“Do you regret it?” I blurted as he unzipped his boots. He froze, stopping what he was doing to look at me.
“Why would you say that?” he asked, and my heart cracked a little more. That wasn’t a no.
“I don’t know, you just seemed really quiet and like something was bothering you the whole way back. So is something wrong? Do you…do you regret doing that with me?”
He blinked at me, silent for a heartbeat, and I couldn’t stop the tears that sprang to my eyes and started falling. He finished taking his boots off and kicked them to the side, then walked over to me and pulled me into his chest.
“I don’t regret anything, I’m sorry I made you think that, my sweet, sweet Joss.” He kissed the top of my head as I buried my face into him, clutching at his shirt. “It’s nothing, I promise.”
I sniffled, pulling back to look up into his face. “W-what’s nothing?”
“Nothing’s nothing.”
I pulled back further, my eyebrows pulling together as I frowned. “So it’s something. What is it? If you don’t tell me what it is how can I fix it?”
He pursed his lips, his tail lashing through the air behind him. His eyes slid from mine, the purple swirl slow and hesitant. “Promise you won’t get mad?”
Oh boy, he was really going to lay something big on me. “Alright,” I agreed slowly, bracing myself.
“I-it was what you said. At the office. About how you fake being nice to people. It got me wondering if maybe…I don’t know, if you do it to me. If you don’t really want to be with me, if it’s just convenient for you so you pretend you like me.”
Okay, wow. Fucking harsh, but at the same time I could see where he was coming from. Hadn’t I just been worried about the same thing, in my own way? I pressed back into his embrace, holding him tight. “That’s not what’s happening at all, I promise.” I took a deep breath, gathering my thoughts. “I was talking about me pretending I’m comfortable talking to strangers so it’s not awkward. But I still like talking to them, and I like making friends and stuff. It just doesn’t come naturally to me because of some stuff from when I was a kid.” I nuzzled my face into his chest, listening to the strange thrum of his two hearts. “I don’t think I could fake how much I like you even if I wanted to. You mean a lot to me, Xollen.”
His arms tightened around me, pressing more kisses into my hair.
“I think I understand,” he murmured. “I feel like such a piece ofvrakaash. Once you say it it makes so much sense. This is why I should just keep my thoughts to myself.”
I pulled back again, frowning at him exaggeratedly. “What? If anything this is why youshouldn’t. If we wouldn’t have talked about it then we’d both be sitting here thinking we hated each other. Now we understand each other better, and that’sbecausewe talked.”
“Yes, but I’ve made things awkward. Ruined what should have been a beautiful moment, a beautiful day.”
I grabbed his face and forced him to look at me. “You’ve ruined nothing. Baby, this is just what it’s like being in a relationship when you’re kind of broken.” I stroked my thumbs over his cheekbones, staring deep into those swirling violet eyes of his, so different from mine but still so beautiful. “It doesn’t feel good at first, fixing the broken bits. But I’ve been working on it for a little while now and I can tell you it does get better. It gets easier. And you get happier. That’s why I want to see you get better help. And why once I can I’m going to get someone to help me, too.”
Xollen squeezed his eyes shut, grabbing my hands on his face and squeezing them. He bent down, touching his forehead to mine and taking a shuddering breath. “I’m so scared of losing you,” he admitted in a whisper, breaking my whole heart.
“Sweetheart…” I choked out, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in close. “You want me? You’ve got me. Just keep talking to me, okay? Keep trying, and I won’t go anywhere.” He held me tight, pressing his face into my neck and taking deep shuddering breaths.
After a little while he released me, looking uncomfortable. “I uh…I like those things you were calling me. Are they Earth terms?”
I smiled. “Yeah, they’re like, terms of endearment. Cute little nicknames you give to people to show how close you are to them. If they don’t bother you then prepare to hear it a lot.”
“You don’t like calling me by my name?”
“No, it’s not that. It’s more like…I don’t know, I call everyone by their name no matter how I feel about them. But if we’re a couple, if we’re romantic, it feels like it should be different names. More…tender ones, I guess.” I paused, considering. “Isn’t that why you called me your star?”
