Page 43 of All or Nothing
XOLLEN
AS SOONas the words were out of my mouth I wanted to take them back, wanted to tell Joss how untrue they were.
Of course I trust you. I know that you listen to me, that I’m being an ass and doing exactly the opposite of what I promised I’d do. I’m just scared, Joss. Please don’t leave, Joss.
When I’d seen how badly what I’d said shattered her, it had made something shatter in me. I knew I’d gone too far, knew I needed to apologize, to grovel and beg for her forgiveness, but I locked up. It was like I’d lost control of my body, and all I could do was scream silently from inside my own skull.
I watched her face crumple, watched helplessly as her lip wobbled and her eyes grew glossy with tears, my heart shredding itself to pieces in my hollow chest knowing I’d done that, I’d caused that pain to pinch at her beautiful face. And then she was standing, and she was walking out, and then she was gone. And I was immediately seized with the conviction that she was goneforever.That I’d really, truly pushed her away now, and I’d never be able to convince her to come back.
“Wait, Joss!” but of course she didn’t hear me. The door was already closed with her on the other side. And I was stuck here, alone and frozen.
Why am I like this?
I stood there for several minutes—it might have been just two, or enough to make an hour, I wasn’t sure—breathing and replaying the night back in my mind.
I didn’t want Joss to think I was stupid or weak, ruled by my baser urges. I didn’t want her to think that maybe I had bought them all to be pleasure slaves, only to change my mind. I wanted her to think I was a fine male specimen, despite my looks. I wanted her to see me as a viable partner, a mate. And that meant never letting her see my weakness, keeping her in the dark about the things I lacked. It didn’t matter that she’d already seen so many of my ugly parts and called them wonderful; something inside of me was panicking at the thought of her seeing any more, because I was certain that her mind would change about me.
Joss had seen more of me than anyone else, and she hadn’t run away. And maybe a part of me was so convinced that she would, that sheshould, that I was pushing her until she did. Because…
Because I was developing some very scary feelings for her. Feelings that had gotten so intense so fast that it frightened me. I’d told her that I loved her…but it was more than that. She was more than beloved; she wasessential.
But I had to face the fact that in my desire to avoid my own hurt, I’d caused hers. The look on Joss’s face as she’d left me here in the living room made pain spike through my chest every time it ran through my mind.
Suddenly I was moving, my long legs eating up the distance between us. I needed to apologize, needed to explain myself, needed to beg her to give me another chance. It might already be too late, I realized, my hearts pounding in my chest and the air too thin in my lungs. She might be lost to me already, and for what? I’d been trying to protect myself from pain, from humiliation, but it hadn’t even worked. I’d just shot myself in the foot.
I knocked on her door, the force of my fist hitting the metal sending bolts of pain all the way up my arm. “Joss, please let me in,” I called, hoping. “Please, Joss. I’m so sorry. I was an idiot. Can we talk?”
Nothing. I tapped at the keypad to open a comm channel and my heart sank into my stomach:Do not disturb active. She didn’t want to talk to me. I should have expected that, of course. But it still hurt. And more than that it made mepanic. Perhaps a part of me had thought that I couldn’t push too hard. An arrogant part of myself had pushed at her to prove that even my worst wasn’t enough to push her away.
But that wasn’t what you did to someone you cared about. It wasn’t something that I wanted to do to Joss, not really. I’d been so, so selfish.
Why did I never see thisvrakaashin time to do something about it? Where was this clarity an hour ago?
My mind started racing, trying to figure out a way to get to Joss to try and fix this. I had to believe that this stillcouldbe fixed, that I could make it right. But the more time that slipped past me the surer I was that she wouldn’t give me that chance.
I could override the lock on her door, obviously, but I knew that that was a terrible idea, no matter how tempting.
What if she decides to just leave? To climb out the window and down the fire escape and out of my life forever?
Well, I could always go outside and goupthe fire escape. Cut her off and hope she let me make it up to her.
It was an insane idea, of course. My unit was twenty floors up, and I was too unfit to do that much climbing. My bedroom was around the corner of the building and wouldn’t let me get at the escape that passed in front of Joss’s window, I knew, so if I wanted to go that route I’d be forced to start from the ground. But that was insane, wasn’t it? I was starting to feel unhinged, but I was still pretty certain it wouldn’t make my case to do something like that right now. I was better off camping outside her door and waiting to catch her when she emerged, like a sane person.
I sat down on the floor and settled in to wait. I pulled out my tablet and loaded up my favorite puzzle game, hoping Joss wouldn’t stay in there for too much longer. I mean, she had to come out to use the hygiene room, right?
After an hour I was starting to fall asleep sitting up. Clearly, she meant to really make me squirm. Fair enough; I couldn’t deny that I deserved that. I hauled myself to my feet and shuffled over to my room. I dragged a pillow and my blanket off my bed and carried them back to where I’d been keeping my vigil. I’d camp out in front of her door all night if I had to. I had to get to her, had to tell her how sorry I was, how the truth was that my life wasn’trightwithout her in it. Just these few short weeks had taught me that. For all that I kept getting annoyed at her for commenting on my shortcomings, it was so satisfying when I managed to fix it and earn one of her dazzling, sweet smiles. She wasproudof me in those moments. No one else had ever done that—been proud of me.
I settled in and fell asleep quickly, but staying asleep proved far more difficult. Every sound, every shift in the air currents, every scrape of my horns against the floor when I tossed and turned, made me twitch awake, hearts racing.
It was both the longest and shortest night of my life, and I never got so much as a whiff of Joss.
As dawn broke I decided it was time to panic.
After the sun had slipped far enough over the horizon to bleed the sky from steel to olive I abandoned my bedding and charged into my room to change my clothes, also stopping in the hygiene room to freshen up. Then I was out the door, my hearts racing and my head feeling curiously light and fuzzy. What if Joss had already had the idea to leave via the fire escape? What if something had happened to her and she needed help?
What if I never saw her again? What if the last thing I ever said to her were those ugly words?
I had to stop in my tracks and crouch, letting my head hang down between my knees against the wave of lightheadedness and nausea. What had possessed me to say that? What idiotic impulse had that come from? If she’d left me I couldn’t blame her. But I was a selfish bastard: I wanted her anyway.
