Page 50 of All or Nothing
“That sounds awful, Xollen. I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. I’d say it’s only natural that you’d struggle with criticism. Can I ask you a question, though? When Joss criticizes you, does shesayshe doesn’t like things about you?”
I thought about it, my tail twisting the fabric of my pants. Now that she mentioned it,wasthat what Joss had been saying? “I guess I don’t know,” I admitted. “It feels like that, but when I think back to what she actually says to me…” I thought back to our most recent argument. “Last time it happened because she was telling a story to my friends at a dinner party that I hadn’t wanted her to tell, and she didn’t pick up on the fact that I was upset. But when we talked about it later it was obvious that she just hadn’t realized it was a story that I wanted private.”
Dr. Vakkas nodded, smiling gently. “Can you remember what was going through your mind when you got upset?”
“It felt like she was trying to humiliate me. That if she cared about me it should have been obvious I was upset about what she was doing. But she made the excellent point that I hadn’t said anything, and that she’s from a whole other alien culture and wouldn’t justknowthings like that.”
The female felican nodded again. “That certainly makes sense. It’s always tough figuring out how individuals fit together when they enter into a relationship, and you two have the added hurdle of culture shock.” Dr. Vakkas looked thoughtful, smoothing her whiskers against her cheek. “Is better communication part of what you’re trying to achieve here, Xollen?”
Nodding, I looked down at my lap. “Yes. Joss says that this is very important for us moving forward, and I agree.”
“But?” the emoreg prodded gently.
I hesitated, swallowing. “But I can’t shake the feeling that if she was truly my mate, then she would know me well enough to be able to avoid hurting me like that. And it doesn’t feel right that I have to set aside my feelings just to keep her happy.” The ugly words left me in a rush, and my face immediately flamed with embarrassment. I sounded so childish.
“I understand where you’re coming from,” she reassured me. “Your feelings are always valid, Xollen. Always. Can you speak more about how you’re setting your feelings aside during these disagreements with Joss?
I squirmed. “It’s like…I have to set aside the fact that I’m upset so that I don’t make her upset.”
“Does she not do the same for you?”
My mouth fell open and I gaped at the screen, stunned. I thought of all the times that Joss would look annoyed, or hurt, or mad, only to take a few breaths and look at me with kindness, instead. She would tell me what she was feeling, and then we would talk it through and move on.
Dr. Vakkas chuckled. “Did you just realize something?”
I nodded slowly. “She does. She said she was seeing an emoreg back on Earth, and when I think back on our arguments shedoesget upset, but she stops herself from shouting at me or saying harsh words. Like…like I do.”
I was shocked to find tears prickling at the backs of my eyes. The lump in my throat was too big for me to speak around. Merciful goddess, how had Dr. Vakkasdonethat? “She wants me to see you so I can learn how to do those same things,” I rasped, pressing my lips together to stop their wobbling.
“Unfortunately Xollen, we’re almost out of time,” Dr. Vakkas interjected softly. “So what I’d like you to do, the next time this happens with Joss, is to slow down and give yourself time to process. When you feel yourself getting upset and overwhelmed, take a second to pay attention to your breathing and make sure that it’s nice and slow and even. And then I want you to ask yourself what Joss is saying, and why she might be saying it. And if you feel like she’s out of line, try and let her know that, but stay calm as you can. How does that sound? Doable?”
All I could do was nod.
Dr. Vakkas wished me well for the upcoming week and signed off, leaving me gaping at my blank comm screen.
After several moments I leaned back in my chair and rubbed at the nape of my neck. Then I stood and opened my bedroom door. “Joss?” I called, searching for her.
“Yes, sweetness?” she called from the hygiene room.
“You were right.”
“Duh!” the door slid open and Joss emerged, grinning and patting her damp hands dry on her hips. “What about this time?”
I strode towards her, getting on my knees once I’d reached her and pressing my face into her soft stomach, just under her breasts. I wrapped my arms around her tight enough that her breath left her lungs with a surprised huff. “Everything,” I said into the fabric of her shirt. “Dr. Gish’ren isn’t good for me. I’ve been so unfair to you.” I pulled back enough to be able to look up into her adorably shocked face. “I’m so sorry for how I’ve been treating you. I think I’ve just been getting some wires crossed and—and you didn’t deserve any of it.”
“So it was a good session, then,” she murmured, her arms coming up to wrap around my shoulders. “Thank you for apologizing, I appreciate it. Do you…want to talk about it?”
I shook my head, returning my face to Joss’s soft warmth. “I think I’d rather hold you,” I told her.
Her arms tightened around me, making me feel warm and fluttery. “How can I say no to that? Why don’t we go to your bed then? So you can get up off the floor.”
“Not letting go,” I informed her, tightening my grip around her middle. “You’ll have to drag me.”
Joss laughed, squeezing me again, as I pulled away and got to my feet. I took her hands and then leaned down to kiss her, pouring all of the softness, the tenderness, thejoyI felt for her into it. I brought my hands up to cup her face, holding her right where I needed her.
She was flushed and dazed when I pulled away, a slow smile tugging at her reddened mouth. I took her hand and led her back to my bedroom so I could cuddle her in comfort.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
