Page 36 of All or Nothing
Once I stopped he stood there looking at me with a stunned expression. “All of that came from my silly idea?” he asked, pointing at the paragraphs I’d churned out.
“No, it came from yourgoodidea,” I corrected. “Sorry to derail the unpacking, I just wanted to get the ideas out before I could forget them.”
“It was fascinating watching you work. You made a lot of interesting faces.”
I chuckled, going back to handing him dishes to put away. “Yeah, people have told me I get really into it and make crazy expressions.” I shrugged. “I don’t notice it when I do it so I can’t tell you why it’s happening.”
When he turned to me again the look on his face was soft and full of adoration. “You are truly a marvel, my star.”
I felt myself flush with pleasure. “Careful, I’ll start believing you when you say stuff like that.”
ONCE THE KITCHENwas put away we couldn’t help ourselves any longer: I parked myself in front of my tablet and started working on an outline, and Xollen grabbed his drawing tablet and started sketching out character ideas.
It was amazing how we just fell into a flow, like we’d been working together for years. I’d ask Xollen for his opinion on a story beat and he’d show me his sketches for my input, and it was just easy and seamless switching our focuses like that. And more importantly, it wasfun. I’d never worked with someone on a creative project before, and a part of me had definitely been nervous about that. What if he got really bossy again? What if I didn’t want to take his criticisms? What if once we got going our artistic visions were just too different? But I hadn’t let those nagging doubts stop me, and now I was having some of the most fun I’d ever had in my life with my boyfriend. Mate. Whatever word I was supposed to be using.
Dr. Jackson would be proud of me for pursuing such a strong corrective experience.
By lunchtime, we were sketching out pages and finalizing the first chunk of the story. By dinner we had the first three pages roughed out, and we were completely exhausted. But even so, we were both humming with excitement. It wasn’t just a far-off dream, all of a sudden. We were already in it and making strides. It was scary and amazing all at once.
I crawled into my bed—my actual bed, since I was sure Xollen wouldn’t want a repeat of last night’s beatdown no matter what he’d said—and got settled in. It felt weird to be in a room without him when we’d spent pretty much every moment together for the last couple of days though. It was…lonely. But it was my own fault for sleeping like a crazy person.
I was almost asleep despite how lonely I felt when a heavy weight settled against my back, followed by limbs draping over my shoulders and hips.
“What are you doing?” Xollen murmured in my ear, his nose nuzzling the sensitive flesh just under it.
“Going to sleep. What are you doing?” I croaked back.
Instead of responding he pulled the blankets up and slithered under, wrapping himself around me once again. “I didn’t realize we were sleeping in your bed tonight. I was waiting in mine, or I would have been here sooner.”
Guilt flooded me. “I didn’t think you’d want to sleep with my again, given how I hurt you last night,” I admitted.
He snorted, holding me tight. “You thought wrong, my star. I want nothing more than to sleep wrapped around you every night for the rest of my life.” My heart soared in my chest, lodging in my throat and making my eyes prickle. “You can try and fight me off all you want but until I hear a ‘no’ I want this. Do…do you want this?” he asked haltingly, his voice going soft and uncertain.
I flopped onto my other side, burrowing into his chest. “Of course I do. I’m sorry, I should have said something.” Man, this open communication shit washard.
He kissed the top of my head, pulling me closer against him. “All is forgiven, my mate,” he promised. “We both have much to work on, as you’ve said. I’m just relieved you haven’t gotten sick of me always hanging around you.”
My heart jolted in my chest, slamming into my ribs. He’d called me his mate. In my favorite alien romances that was more intense than a declaration of love, it was a borderline marriage proposal. But maybe on Billieu that wasn’t the case. Maybe it was just that they didn’t use terms like boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner. He was saying it casually, without any hint of his usual anxiety, so it must not be a big deal.
But fuck, I kind of wanted it to be a big deal.
I decided to play it just as cool as him, glad that he couldn’t see my face. “Not at all,” I murmured into his chest, placing a kiss between his pectorals, right in the middle of his two hearts. I was starting to think I’d never get sick of him. It was entirely possible it was just because it was so new—I knew the honeymoon phase was no joke—but this was different from how I’d experienced it before. It wasn’t just that I was having trouble noticing bad things about him and feeling obsessed with him. It was more about discovering a person who complimented my quirks, who challenged and excited me, who needed me in a way that no one else had before.
If I wasn’t mistaken, was actuallyfallingfor this guy. I was living my best life out here, falling in love with a hot-ass cinnamon roll alien, just like I’d fantasized about back on Earth hundreds of times.
Xollen was quiet and still for so long that I was sure he’d fallen asleep, but suddenly he spoke, startling me from my thoughts. “I care about you so much, Joss,” he admitted in a whisper. “So much that it scares me. Is this what love is?”
I swallowed around the lump in my throat. Fuck, maybe “mate”wasa big deal kind of word. “You think you love me?” I asked in a whisper just as quiet as his.
“Yes. I’m fairly certain, actually. I’ve never felt this before, and it’s so wonderful and intense that I’m terrified by it. Of doing something to ruin it. Of hurting you.”
“Oh, Xollen…” I was at a crossroads. I could either lay it all out, give him my heart on a silver platter and hope like hell he didn’t chuck it in a blender, or I could play it more cautiously, play it safe. But was that how I should be thinking? Wouldn’t it make more sense for me to think about what Iwanted? To do what would make mehappy? Maybe it would be worth it to be stupid and to just get it out there, to take the leap. Xollen had found the courage to do it, after all. Maybe he’d drop me and let me fall on my face if I took this leap of faith, but wasn’t it also possible that he’d catch me and make something beautiful with me?
I ripped the words free from my throat before I could think about it too much and stop myself. “I-I think I love you too. Just so you know. And I think that the only way you’ll ruin it is if you go back to pushing me away and not talking to me. We can’t fix what we don’t talk about, right?” It sounded so reasonable and logical, but I knew it was all too easy to fall back into that kind of behavior, to retreat and stick with what was comfortable and familiar instead of what needed to be done. But I didn’t want to think about that right now, not when he was pulling back and looking at me like I’d hung the moon, like I was the most beautiful and amazing thing he’d ever seen. Not when he was sliding down to kiss me, his lips on mine so hot and soft and sweet.
I’d been exhausted when I lay down, but with his mouth slanting over mine the fatigue burned away almost immediately. I moaned into his mouth as he deepened the kiss, his tongue slicking over mine and plunging deep into my mouth to taste me hungrily. His tongue was a slightly different texture than mine, almost ribbed, and I just knew that that was going to feel amazing on my clit once we got to that point. It made me breathless and trembly, imagining that tongue all over my body, laving at my neck, suckling at my aching nipples, licking at all of the sensitive places on my body.
My hands came up and tangled in his hair, locking him against me and making him rumble deep in his chest. His own hands trailed along my sides, his fingers brushing ever so lightly against my oversensitive skin. I arched into his touch, trying to coax him into palming my breasts. They felt so heavy and sensitive that ifsomeonedidn’t touch them soon I’d lose my mind.
