Page 41 of All or Nothing
Once we’d made our way there, Gesea put a delicate hand on my arm, startling me. “It’ll be alright, Joss,” she said softly. “Xollen gets in these moods sometimes, I’m sure you know. But it’s obvious that he cares for you, and Derris will get his head out of his ass. He’s very good at it.”
The smile I shot at her felt too wobbly, and before I could stop them tears were gathering in my eyes. Gesea clucked and pulled me into a hug. I didn’t usually like it when strangers touched me but this was nice.
“I just don’t know what I did,” I whimpered when she released me, feeling both too big and too small all at once. “I don’t know why he got upset. He promised me he’d work on this shit.” It reminded me that for all of his promises about getting better help, he hadn’t done it yet, hadn’t even started, as far as I knew. He’d been pouring all of his energy into our comic, and into spending time with me.
Oh god, what if this had all been a mistake after all? What if I’d hitched my wagon to Xollen and he wasn’t ever going to actually do what he needed to do to be a good partner?He grew up lonely and not used to having to take the feelings of others into account. He comes from a whole shitload of privilege.I smiled at Gesea, muttering something about how I was sure Derris had it, before making my escape into the bathroom.
How had things gotten so terrible so fast?
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Trouble in Paradise
XOLLEN
IT WASan exercise in restraint to stop myself from grabbing Joss and carrying her out of the house before she could say anything else to embarrass me.
I’d told Derris why I’d gone out to Quellor Station, but Gesea hadn’t known, and to have Joss spell it out so plainly was utterly mortifying. Just about every billieuan of a certain age knew that Quellor was the safest place to hire a sex worker, and the fact that I’d rescued people that had obviously been meant to be bed slaves…well, I didn’t know if we’d get invited over to dinner again anytime soon.
Worse yet was how Derris was scowling at me. He probably didn’t like that I’d gotten so irritated at her, but why should I apologize for getting upset that she wanted to spill our secrets to everyone?
Derris sighed, leaning back in his seat and crossing his arms over his chest. “You are such avrakaashaad, Xoll.”
I bristled, crossing my own arms. “Shut up, Derr. How was I avrakaashaad?”
He snorted, looking incredulous. “Are you serious? She has no idea what the significance of Quellor is. She’s not from Billieu, you stubborn fool. And if she doesn’t know, whose fault is that, hmm? So stop acting like a child and go apologize to that lovely female.”
“She’s in the hygiene room,” I grumbled, making no move to get up. “And I didn’t even do anything.”
Derris slammed his hand down on the table, rattling the dishes and making me jump. “Xollen, I love you like a brother, you know that. But right now I want to strangle you. Joss is such a sweet, kind person. She’sgoodfor you. And if you screw this up for yourself by pushing her away I might just have to murder you.”
Was I pushing her away? Maybe a little bit, but only because I felt like I was being attacked. She should have followed my lead and kept it vague. And when I first showed that I was upset, she should havedefinitelystopped then. She was always talking about clarity and communication, and how much clearer could I get than that? Would she have preferred that I cut her off and tell her to stop talking?
But I didn’t want to go through this with Derr right now, so I sighed and stood up. I passed Gesea on the way to their hygiene room, and she shot me an angry look. It was strange, seeing her angry. I couldn’t think of many times in my life when she’d been mad, and knowing that she was mad atmeonly upset me more. Why were my friends suddenly turning against me? Why couldn’t they sympathize with me in this?
Joss was still in the hygiene room when I got there, so I leaned against the opposite wall to wait for her to get out. I’d apologize for upsetting her, we’d finish dinner, and then hopefully just get back to it.
It was several moments before she emerged, and I felt a pang of guilt when I saw that she had obviously been crying. Her eyes and nose were pinkened, and her makeup looked more smudged than it had before she’d excused herself. Her brown eyes widened in surprise when she saw me, but she refused to look at me for more than a second.
“I’m sorry, Joss,” I managed, uncomfortable. “Please don’t cry.”
She frowned, crossing her arms over her chest in a mimic of my own pose. “What’s bothering you?” she asked, her voice tight and edged with anger. I tensed, taking issue with her tone.Shewas mad atme?
“Nothing’s wrong,” I snapped. I wasn’t going to start this with her while we were here.
Anger warred with hurt on her face and her lips flattened into a hard line. “You told me you weren’t going to do this anymore. That you were going to talk to me when something was bothering you so we could talk it out. You fuckingpromised, Xollen!”
“Fine!” I snapped, my tail squeezing my leg in a death grip. “Something is bothering me, but I don’t want to go into it right now, okay? I’d rather do this at home.”
Her jaw jutted as she worked her mouth angrily. “Fine.” She uncrossed her arms and put her hands on her hips. “But you have to actually talk to me when we get back. Promise me right now.”
“Fine. I promise. Happy?”
She sucked in a breath, her eyes looking glossy again. “No, not really,” she rasped, spinning on her heel and returning to the dining room.
I felt really guilty, then. She’d looked so sad, so disappointed, and knowing that it was partly that she was disappointed in me, in my lack of communication, hurt something fierce. But we were out in public, at a friend’s house for a dinner party, and surely she hadn’t really expected me to hash it all out here? Having those sorts of conversations where anyone could hear them wasn’t a good idea, right?
I shook my head to clear it, prying my tail from its death grip on my thigh and trailing after Joss back to the table.
