Page 45 of All or Nothing
Xollen started thrashing and wiggling on the floor, and after a second I realized he was trying to sit up. I put my arm under his shoulders and heaved, getting him upright. He was panting less now, but he still looked wrung-out and just a smidge delirious. Once he was sitting I backed away from him again, my hands twisting in the fabric of my shirt. It was suddenly too hard to look at him, too hard to be close to him like this, and I wanted to get up and run screaming from this, from the discomfort of these feelings, but we were in my bedroom already; I had nowhere else to hide.
“I’m so sorry Joss,” he said again, his voice soft and sad. “I don’t want to be like those other people, I-I want to change but…I don’t know how. Where do I start?”
I couldn’t stop the snort that burst from me. “Now I’ve got to tell you how to grow up, to be a better person? Jesus, Xoll…” I sighed deeply. “You need to get your ass into therapy. Itoldyou this already.”
His brows lowered, his violet eyes swirling like a cyclone and boring into me. “Yes, I should have done this already.” He swallowed, looking miserable in a way that made me both happy and sad. “I really do not deserve you. I am the world’s most patheticvrakaashaad…”He squeezed his eyes shut.
“No one is going to fix it but you, Xollen. I can’t fix it for you, and I’m not going to sit here and let you shit all over me in the meantime. What happened last night should never have gotten that bad. You know that, right? You didn’t talk to me, you shut me out, you yelled at me and I don’t even knowwhy.”
He nodded, squeezing his knees. He was silent for a time, his eyes sliding to the floor and losing focus. I wanted to scream; he still wasn’t talking to me.
Right when I started to wonder if he’d slipped into a trance, or fallen asleep with his eyes open, he spoke, his voice such a small whisper: “I’m sorry. It’s just…I went to Quellor to…hire a sex worker. It’s shameful and illegal to boot, and Quellor has a reputation for being able to cater to billieuan tastes. So you were basically broadcasting to Derris and Gesea that I’d been…well. I know that you couldn’t have possibly known that,” he cut in before I could interrupt, “But I just…I panicked. Do you hate me?”
Fuck. A part of mewantedto hate him, wanted to be able to tear myself away from him. But that sounded even more awful than him snapping at me after giving me the cold shoulder all night. What the fuck waswrongwith me, that I couldn’t be strong? That I was so willing to let him back in after an apology and some promises?
But the facts were this: I was crazy for this immature idiot, because in the moments when he was good, he was so good it took my breath away. When he didn’t let his pride or his ego get in the way he was kind, and thoughtful, and funny. He clearly cared about me deeply underneath his bullshit, and I couldn’t deny just how badly I wanted more of that. If I was being honest with myself, that was something that set him apart from the other abusers in my life: he was good to me more than he was mean, and he told me how much he cared about me all the time, not just when he was trying to bring me back in close after pushing me away. It wasn’t a whole lot, but was it enough for me to trust him with another chance?
I was crawling across the floor and flinging myself at him in a tight hug before I could even think about it. He was stiff in my arms at first, but after a heartbeat or two he unfolded himself and threw his arms around me too, clinging desperately to me. “No, I don’t hate you,” I murmured into his cute little elfish ear. “I want to be mad at you but I can’t even manage that.”
Xollen buried his face into the side of my neck, almost clipping me with one of his sleek horns. “I’m so sorry, Joss,” he said again, his voice heavily muffled because he still had his face pressed tight against me. “I love you so much and I don’t know why I’m doing this.” Now he did move his head a little, resting what felt like his chin against my shoulder. “You make me feel scary things,” he admitted softly.
My heart jumped into my throat. I pulled away gently so I could look him in the face. Feeling the boldness of New Joss, I took his hands in mine and squeezed. “What sorts of scary things?”
He swallowed, his eyes swirling like cyclones. “It’s hard to say, but—things like…like that I love you. Like…I might want to be with you forever because you are the most perfect and wonderful person I have ever met. You’re so beautiful it literally stuns me, and I…I don’t know what to do. It scares me.” His voice was low and husky, his face tense as he forced the words out. “I want you. I want to talk to you, and laugh with you, and make things with you. I want it all, and the fact that I don’t deserve you makes me so crazy.”
Well mark me down as scaredandhorny,I thought as Xollen pressed gentle kisses to first one wrist, then the other. He dropped our hands into his lap, his gaze searching my face expectantly.Alright, big girl pants time.
“I feel the same way, Xollen,” I admitted, pressing my lips together against my nerves. “That’s why it hurts so much when you push me away. That’s why I want you to get better. Because I want you, too. I’ve wanted you since I first saw your pretty face back on your ship. But I’m not going to let you hurt me like that anymore.”
He closed his eyes, throat bobbing. Then he broke out in the most beautiful, shining smile I’d ever seen. “Then I have to get better,” he said, his voice thick with emotion. “So that I can finally say that I’ve done something to deserve you.”
It was all instinct: I lunged at him, my hands letting go of his hands so I could wrap my arms tight around his neck instead. Our mouths crashed together, Xollen’s stiff with surprise for a moment, before it caught up to him what I was doing. Then he softened, melting against me like he’d been made for me, my perfect fit, and his arms were wrapping around me, pulling me in close against his long body. One of us moaned—or maybe both of us—and then I was spiraling, my entire world reduced to Xollen: his taste, his scent, his feel. When I gently nipped his bottom lip—so full, like a ripe piece of fruit—and licked away the hurt he surged against me, his mouth slanting and his tongue darting out to demand access to my mouth.
And I gave it, gladly, sighing at the slick heat of his invasion. The taste of him sharpened, deepening now that I was drinking from the source. Xollen was clutching me to him, holding me so tight it was almost uncomfortable, but I found that I wantedmore,wanted to be even closer, more wrapped up in him, more drunk on his kisses. Kissing Xollen made me think that maybe I’d never actually been kissed before in my life, because no one else had ever felt so right in my arms, their taste so sweet and warm and perfect. He groaned into my mouth, his tongue slicking against mine, his hands clutching tight.
He finally ripped his mouth off of mine, both of us panting and flushed. “I am so sorry, Joss,” he whispered in between kisses that had become tender and slow. “I was so scared I lost you. That you’d left and I’d never see you again.”
I nipped at his full lip, tracing his piercing with my tongue and making him shiver. “I should have. You’re lucky I’m such an idiot.”
He growled, pulling me closer. “Not an idiot,” he rumbled, pressing kisses along my jaw. “Kind. Generous. Perfect.” Each word was punctuated with a wet kiss down my throat, heat flooding my body and pooling between my thighs. He was saying such sweet things, and he was already entirely too good at awakening my body, learning what I liked and memorizing it, trying to perfect his technique every time he touched me.
But I still had to pee, and if I waited much longer I was going to have an accident. “I have to use the hygiene room,” I told him as I peeled myself away from him. “And I think you owe me a nice breakfast.” I patted his cheek as I walked away, waddling with how hard I was squeezing my thighs together.
“I will make you the best breakfast you’ve ever had,” he called after me. “It’s going to blow your mind!”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
No More Chances
XOLLEN
I THREWevery trick I knew at the food synth to get it to make Joss the perfect breakfast. I knew she liked sweet things for breakfast, but nottoosweet, so I made her thinjithlacakes withhrasazaberry compote on top, and some of the fizzy flavored water she liked for some reason.
She swanned into the kitchen just as I was finishing up, looking freshly scrubbed and radiant. She squealed in happiness when she saw what I’d made her, clapping her hands and grinning up at me. “Yay, pancakes!” she went on tip-toes to place a smacking kiss on my cheek. “Thank you.” My chest may have puffed out a little at her praise.
I sat down and pulled her into my lap, pulling her legs over so she was sitting sideways. She tensed up against me.
“What are you doing, I’m way too heavy for this!” she protested, trying to wriggle free, but I refused to let her down.
