Page 90 of The Pleasures of Passion
“Wasn’t it?” Her throat aching with unshed tears, she drew on her wrapper. “You didn’t tell me the truth because you believed your father when he said I was an adventuress.” A fractured sigh escaped her. “I cut my father off when he betrayed me.” When he’d abandoned her to Reynold. “Yet you . . . you trusted yours. Instead of trusting your heart.”
“But I wasn’t the only one. I told you I’d had good reason to fight the duel, but my word wasn’t enough. You chose your mother’s happiness over mine, so you can hardly blame me for choosing my sister’s happiness over yours.”
His voice softened. “And anyway, the problems between us didn’t stem from a lack of trust. Your mother was very ill, and you were caught between a rock and a hard place. So was I—I wasn’t free to divulge someone else’s secret. We both did what we thought we had to. We can’t alter the past, but can’t we put it behind us?”
She wanted to. She really did. But every time she put her faith in someone, she ended up being hurt. “You’re the one who kept all the secrets. I didn’t keep any fromyou.”
A shadow crossed his face. “Didn’t you? Fulkham says your husband purposely drowned himself. Yet you’ve said naught of that to me. Is it true?”
Shame swamped her. “I didn’t learn of it until recently—but yes.” Tears threatened to choke her. “He did it because of me and you. He realized that you had my heart when he did not. And after he lost so much money . . .” She shook her head. “It was all too much for him.”
“Damned fool.” Niall approached to take her into his arms. “None of it was your fault, Bree. Not the arranged marriage, not the fact that you couldn’t love him, and certainly not his actions near the end. You have to stop blaming yourself for it.”
She stared up at him, looking haunted. “But because of what I did, Silas will never have a father.”
“Not because of what you did—because of whatTrevordid. And Silaswillhave a father. I mean to be his father, if you’ll have me.”
The words hung in the air. Niall truly wanted to marry her. Apparently he’d always wanted to marry her. She could scarcely believe it. Believing it was dangerous.
She pulled free of him. “Tell me this. Once you realized yesterdaywhyI married Reynold, why didn’t you reveal your reasons for the duel? Your father is dead, so why not tell me?”
He pushed his fingers through his disheveled hair. “Because it wasn’t my secret to tell. It was Clarissa’s. And Edwin’s. I wanted their permission before I said anything to you.”
A lump caught in her throat. “I guess they gave it to you, or you wouldn’t be here telling me this.”
“Actually, they didn’t. Edwin wouldn’t even let me see my sister. He begged me not to reveal the truth about the duel, because he was afraid that if you couldn’t be trusted with the secret and it got out, the scandal might cause Clarissa to lose the child. He insisted that I keep quiet.”
She stared at him, scarcely daring to breathe.
He reached up to wind one of her curls about his finger. “But I knew I could trust you, that it was time we put this behind us. Keeping the secret from you has been intolerable, and I couldn’t do it any longer.” His heart shone in his eyes. “I’ve sacrificed enough for my family. I will not sacrificeyou. Ever again.”
She wanted desperately to believe him. But . . .
He cupped her cheek. “I hope I’ve made it clear where my loyalties lie. I risked my sister’s health and my friendship with Edwin to tell you the truth. Because I know, in my heart, that I can trust you implicitly. The question is, do you trustme?”
“How can I?” she burst out. “You left me once—for noble reasons, I know. But the end was the same. I was left alone, with no one to help me deal with Mama.” Her throat constricted. “Or to stop Papa from tossing me to another man. ThenMamaleft me, too—not that she could help it—but I still ended up in a marriage to a man I didn’t love.”
As Niall stared at her, his face full of compassion, she couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks. “And evenheleft me in the end. Don’t you see? Everyone leaves me eventually, whether I want them to or not. So how can I be sure you won’t do it, too?”
He brushed away her tears. “Because I love you, sweeting. I always have. And you love me, too. I know it.”
After running his thumb over her lips, he gave a sigh, then released her. “Unfortunately, you don’t trust your own heart. You’re so afraid of being hurt that you won’t take a chance on being happy.” He headed over to finish pulling on his clothes. “So you’re the one who has to choose, Bree. Will you give in to your fear? Cling to your anger over my abandoning you to Trevor all those years ago? Tell yourself that you’re doing what’s safest, when really all you’re doing is running away?”
He stared her down. “Or will you chooseus? I’ve chosen us over everyone else. I want you as my wife, no matter what happens with your father or my sister or Edwin. Now it’s up to you to decide whatyouwant. I can’t make the decision for you. If I could, we would be heading for the altar right now.”
When she just stared at him, her mind racing and her heart pounding, he said, “I’ll give you time to think about it, but not very much. I’ll be here tomorrow to officially ask you to marry me. And I’ll need your answer. Because I can’t go on loving you, knowing that you’re too afraid to love me. Reynold might have been willing to do that. I am not.”
And with that, he went out the balcony door.
She hurried out to watch, to make sure he didn’t kill himself. As he climbed nimbly down the side of the town house, the words, “Wait, come back, I want to marry you!” were on the tip of her tongue.
Yet still she held back. What if she and he could not make it work in spite of their love for one another?
Will you give in to your fear? Cling to your anger over my abandoning you to Trevor all those years ago? Tell yourself that you’re doing what’s safest, when really all you’re doing is running away?
Shewasrunning away. Because not running away meant facing an uncertain future. She’d done that and had it turn out badly so many times that she was afraid to do it again.
At the edge of the garden Niall stopped to blow her a kiss, and her heart lurched in her chest. She loved him so much.
