Page 71 of The Bachelor
“Sort of. Not really. We left things up in the air. He lost his temper, so I lost mine, and we said things we shouldn’t have.” She twisted the handkerchief in her hand.
“If it helps, I can reassure you that Joshua is surly to everyone, including me. It’s not that unusual for him to lose his temper.”
“Trust me, I know that only too well.” Gwyn ventured a smile. “At the same time, he can be so thoughtful when he wants.” Like lacing up her gown even as they were arguing and without being asked. “And he does say the loveliest things sometimes.”
Beatrice lifted a brow. “Wearestill talking about my brother, aren’t we? The cranky fellow who snarls at anyone who gets near?”
“He’s not as bad as all that. He was very kind about my past involvement with Lionel. He took my side. Why, he came near to killing Lionel when the man was trying to . . . er . . . renew our acquaintance.”
“That last does sound more like my brother.”
“The thing is, there’s something I haven’t told him. And I can’t consider marrying him until I’m sure how he . . . feels about it. So I was thinking that perhaps because you are already married, and you’re Joshua’s sister . . . Well, you could help me figure out how to tell him and how he might react.”
“You have a right to your secrets, you know.”
“This one involves him, too.” Gwyn dropped her gaze to her hands. “You see, it’s quite possible that I . . . can’t have children.”
Beatrice looked stunned. “Good heavens, what makes you say that?”
Now came the hard part. “It has to do with the fact that after my one time with Lionel, I ended up enceinte.”
“Oh, Gwyn.” To her credit, Beatrice didn’t look shocked at all as she took Gwyn’s hand. “And that made everything worse than it already was, I suppose.”
“It did. I actually wouldn’t have known it until much later, if not for my maid. Having been in service with another woman before coming to my family, she recognized the signs—my morning sickness, my two missed courses, my tender breasts. We had endless discussions about what to do—whether to tell Mama and Papa, whether to tell only Thorn and get him to spirit me away somewhere until I had the baby, whether to go to the nearest army officer in an attempt to find Lionel. I was frantic, as you might imagine.”
“I’m sure you were terrified.”
“Lionel had been missing for months, and I didn’t yet know why. I . . . I didn’t dare tell anyone about the child until I knew.” Just thinking of that time made Gwyn sick to her stomach. “Then I started bleeding badly one morning, and my maid sneaked in a midwife friend to see me, and the midwife told me that I’d indeed been pregnant and had lost the child.”
“Given that Lionel had already gone,” Beatrice said gently, “I suppose that was something of a blessing.”
“That’s what I thought at the time. But later I got to thinking . . . perhaps I caused it in all my terror of bearing a bastard. Perhaps if I had been calmer or had made a better decision or—”
“Dearest, you did not cause it.”
“I don’t know.” She folded her arms about her waist, wishing she could magically heal whatever might have gone wrong there. “The midwife who examined me and took note of the bloody . . . stuff that came out of me said I had the sort of womb that meant I would never be able to bear a child. If that’s true, it was nothing I did that caused me to miscarry. Although that’s little consolation when you consider that it also means I’m made the wrong way for bearing children.”
“Hmm,” Beatrice said, sounding skeptical. “So, until now, no one except your maid and her friend knew about your miscarriage.”
Gwyn nodded, her throat feeling raw. “She and my maid had a heated argument about why I lost the babe, because my maid didn’t agree with her friend’s assessment. But what if the midwife was right?”
“And what if she wasn’t? Perhaps it was merely an accident of nature, and no one’s fault at all. There’s no way to know for sure. Although I’m not the best person to consult about that, because I don’t have children yet.” Beatrice mused for a moment. “Have you been to any London doctors to ask?”
“How am I to do that? My old maid didn’t travel with us from Prussia, so I would have to find a physician on my own or tell Mama. And I don’t know what physician to trust with such a secret.” She shot Beatrice an anxious look. “If this got out, I wouldn’t be the only one to suffer from the gossip. The whole family would have to endure it.”
“True.” Beatrice eyed her with concern. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you reallyshouldtalk to your mother about it. She’s had five children by three different husbands. If anyone knows how birthing works, it’s her.”
“But then I’d have to reveal what I did with Lionel.” Despair crept over Gwyn. “She would be horrified.”
“I doubt it. Your mother strikes me as being far more resilient and practical than that.”
How interesting that Joshua had said the same thing. “I don’t know.”
“You ought to at least talk to her before you talk to Joshua.”
“Right. Joshua.” She choked back tears. “How can I tell him I may never be able to give him a child?”
Beatrice put her arm about Gwyn’s shoulders. “If he loves you, it won’t matter to him.”
