Page 96 of The Forbidden Lord
“What do you mean?”
She had meant that Lord Nesfield’s attempts to destroy her and her family would put an end to any thoughts of marriage. But now something else occurred to her. He wanted everything his way. He made promises, but broke them if he deemed it necessary.
All the control must be on his side, because if he gave it up to anyone, then he was revealing the chink in his armor. And she couldn’t marry a man like that, no matter what happened.
“I mean, I won’t marry you. I don’t blame you for warning your friends—that’s to be expected. But your only reason for going to Lord Nesfield is to ‘help me,’ or at least that’s what you claim. What gives you the right to decide what’s best for me when you don’t know the entire story? You refuse to trust my judgment. You refuse to honor your promises. Well, if you can’t do something as simple as that, then I don’t see how we can marry.”
He gave a dismissive gesture. “Your father will make you marry me once he hears?—”
“That you’ve taken my innocence? No, he won’t. Not all men are like you. Some actually care about what their women want or need.”
“I care, devil take it! If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have offered marriage.”
“Yes, but you don’t care enough to honor my wishes or keep your promises. So I will not marry you.”
“You’re making me choose? Between speaking to Nesfield and marrying you?”
She nodded.
His voice grew bitter. “I thought you said you loved me.”
“I do. I love you enough to want us to have a real marriage, not one where you run everything and I merely play the adoring wife.”
“So you love me only as long as I do what you wish!”
“No. I love you no matter what you do. But I can’t marry you if you won’t consider my wishes, too.”
The carriage halted in front of the rectory, and she glanced out at it, thinking how strange it was to be home with everything still in such a turmoil. She thought of her parents’ love, strands of caring woven into a magnificent cloth heavy enough to withstand any tempest.
“This is absurd,” he was saying. “Our marriage has nothing to do with such matters. It’s merely a practical way to deal with the fact that you’ve been compromised. Love has no place?—”
“You know something, Jordan? You’ve spent your entire life avoiding love. You say it’s because your father ruined his life by loving your mother when she wasn’t worthy of it.”
She drew in a ragged breath. “But you’ve got it all wrong. Your parents’ marriage wasn’t a disaster because your father loved your mother too much. It was a disaster because your mother didn’t love your father in return. It’s not love that destroys. It’s the lack of it.”
He looked as if she’d slapped him. “You know nothing about it.”
“Oh, yes, I do. I can spot a man who’s starved for love when I see one. But love requires trust and a willingness to give as much as one gets.” She reached for the door handle. “What a pity those are beyond you.”
Opening the door, she climbed from the carriage.
“Emily, wait—” he protested as he climbed out after her, but she turned around to block his path before he could take two steps up the walk.
“What do you plan to do? Go in and tell my father that you’ve compromised me, that I’ve engaged in all manner of wickedness? Then trot off to London and ruin my life while I endure his lectures? No. Leave me some dignity at least.”
“Come now?—”
“No. Go back to London. Talk to your friend. I wouldn’t want to be the cause of any harm to him. Just remember that if you speak to Nesfield, that is the end of anything between you and me.”
He glared at her, his face ashen, but she simply crossed her arms over her chest and continued to block his path.
“All right,” he finally said coldly. “If that’s the way you want it.”
Then turning on his heel, he climbed back into the carriage and ordered the driver to drive on.
She held her breath until the carriage was out of sight, wondering if Papa was watching out of the window even now. It didn’t matter. She would have to tell him everything, no matter how much it hurt him. He was her only hope. If she impressed upon him the seriousness of the situation, he would surely help her return to London.
If she could reach London before Jordan, she might find a way to convince Lord Nesfield that this mess wasn’t her doing. And she might actually beat Jordan there: Jordan and Watkins were exhausted, and they wouldn’t share her sense of urgency.
