Page 33 of Loathing Ryan
Following that initial mortifying moment, I picked some of the clothes Ryan had procured from the loft and threw them on. I had to admit they were much more comfortable than walking around in my one-piece bathing suit.
I let my hair air-dry because it’s not like I had a hairdryer or any other type of tool.Unfortunately, none of those items were stashed anywhere in this cabin. I didn’t even have a brush—hopefully, my shoulder-length hair wouldn’t be too unruly once it dried.
Once I was fully clothed, I picked up my book again and curled up on the dingy couch. There wasn’t much else for me to do other than wait for Ryan to return so we could address the uncomfortable elephant in the room.
My eyes roamed over the pages, and I tried my best to process what I was reading, but it was no use. I found myself reading sentences over and over again, still not comprehending what the words meant. With an exasperated groan, I slammed the hardcover book shut, coughing when a cloud of dust expelled from the pages. Setting it on the table, I took a deep breath and then braced myself. I walked out of the cabin and down to the dock over the small pond at the back of the cabin.
Sure enough, Ryan was perched out at the very end. His toes dangled over the edge, just barely touching the surface of the water. He was shirtless, his skin a golden bronze in the sun. The gash on his side was still pretty gnarly, though fully scabbed over at this point. I couldn’t help but feel lucky that it hadn’t gotten infected while we’d been out here.
Even with the slowly-healing wound, Ryan really was in good shape, with toned muscles that looked firm to the touch. His arms were sinewy, dipping into well-defined ridges that were the visual proof of hard work from being an athlete.
His messy blond hair was messier now than I’d ever seen it, a few curly strands falling over his forehead and threatening to flop into his eyes.
When my feet hit the wood panels of the dock, he turned around to face me. His features immediately took on a sheepish expression, which had my stomach sinking into a pit of discomfort.I braced myself, raising my defenses as I approached him.
“Heya, Bells,” he said, his voice wavering slightly.
“Hey, yourself,” I said back, crossing my arms. “What are you doing out here?”
He looked back out over the pond. “Just sitting. Thought I’d give you some space.”
I bit my lip and looked out at the pond as well. My skin felt prickly, and I hated the words I was about to say, but I knew it was for the best. “It’s okay if you regret it. We can pretend that it never happened.” When Ryan looked at me with an eyebrow raised, I felt the need to clarify. Surely, he would be grateful that I was giving him an out. “The kiss.”
He frowned. “I don’t want to do that.”
My palms grew sweaty, and I wondered if I heard him correctly. Giving him another chance to back out, I said, “I think it’s probably for the best, don’t you?”
Now Ryan turned all the way around so he was facing me. He still sat on the dock while I stood over him, but even from the strength of his stare, I felt small. “What are you talking about? Why would you think that?”
I caught my breath and held his gaze, pretending that I had everything together. I couldn’t tell him that it was because ever since he kissed me earlier, I couldn’t get him out of my head. I couldn’t tell him that all I could imagine was us kissing again, butmore. I couldn’t tell him because I didn’t know what was happening to me. There was no way he could know all the things I was fantasizing about.
“Just with everything—our past,” I started, but I knew it sounded like a weak excuse. I didn’t even believe the words coming out of my mouth. “It’s just better to keep our distance.”
“Our past,” he said, deadpan.
“You know, you belittling me all the time and making me dread going to camp?”
Ryan looked pained as he rubbed the back of his neck. Finally, he pushed himself up, so he was standing in front of me. He stepped forward, closing some of the space between us. “Would now be a bad time to tell you I’m sorry? I wish I could go back and do it all over again, truly. There’s nothing I’d want more than to go back and have a fresh start with you.”
My heart pounded in my chest. I knew he meant it. I could tell by the sincerity in his striking green eyes, the gentleness in his tone, that he meant every word.
“It might be a little late for that.” I winced as the words spilled out of my mouth. Why was I being so stubborn about this?
“Why?” he asked, taking another step back. “Don’t you think it’s time we could move past all that bullshit?”
Panic quickly rose inside of me. Ryan was being too—realright now. It was unnerving, and I knew that if he kept pushing, I would give in. Some part of my brain questioned whether that would be the worst thing, but the other part was still struggling to reconcile this new version of Ryan I was getting to know with the old one.My walls were crumbling, and that scared me. I didn’t know what was happening. Everything I thought I knew about Ryan and me was getting spun upside down.
“You know what? Forget it. This was a mistake,” I said before turning and briskly walking back up the dock. My body thrummed with anxiety as I took a few steps away. I needed to get some air, needed to get away from this conversation. Maybe then I could find the clarity I needed to think rationally about this whole situation.
“What is your problem? I just apologized,” he called after me. “Come on, Izabel. Just give us a chance.”
My jaw fell open, and I glared at him. “You think thatyearsof you ruining my summers is going to be fixed by a simple ‘I’m sorry?’”
“What do you want from me, Bells?” he shouted, throwing his hands in the air. “Do you want me to get on my knees and beg you to forgive me? Do you want me to pledge my firstborn to you? Just fucking tell me what it takes for you to forgive me, and I’ll do it.”
“Never mind, I should’ve never even bothered,” I muttered. “I’m going back to the cabin.”
I turned away again, and I heard him scoff behind me. “You’re crazy, Bells. Call me when you’ve got your head on right.”
