Page 76 of Loathing Ryan
What the hell was that?
Biting on the inside of my lip, I returned to my work, feeling insignificant. At this moment, it felt like no matter what I did, I would be disappointing someone. Whether it was Ryan or Mark, I could never seem to say the right thing. I was hopeful that it was just due to the situation I found myself in.
I closed my eyes and took a deep, cleansing breath, deciding that, for now, it wasn’t worth wasting more of my time fretting over. Instead, I chose to focus back on my schoolwork. That was something I could control. So I let myself fall right back into my books and tried to let the negative thoughts of Mark and Ryan leave my mind–for now.
30
CHAPTER 30
Fall — Year 3 — Izabel
My brain hurtas I stared at my textbook, trying to commit the words to memory. I had been here all day trying to work through the assigned reading for my exam coming up at the end of the week, but it was pointless. I was feeling more burned out than I had in ages.
It’s not that I hated the material; I enjoyed most of it. Now that I was starting my third year, I could get into many more of the classes I was interested in rather than more of the pre-requisite classes for my degree. A lot of the material was interesting, but it was very history-oriented, which meant lots of dates and names to remember.
I leaned back in my chair and scrubbed my hands over my face. I was due for a study break. My eyes darted to my phone sitting on the table, and I pursed my lips, doing some quick time math in my head.
Throwing caution to the wind, I picked it up and went to my contacts, selecting my favorites list. At the top, I tapped Ryan’s name and chose the video option.
The call rang until I heard the telltale melody that he had accepted the call. Ryan’s face appeared on my screen. It hadn’t been that long since I had seen him, only since our last video chat. But he looked different. There was a weariness on his face that I hadn’t ever seen before.
“Hey,” he said, giving me a soft smile.
“Hi,” I said, smiling back. “Is now a bad time?”
Ryan ran his hand along the back of his neck and exhaled before shaking his head. “No, I’m just finishing up some work. How’s it going?”
“Oh, um, fine,” I answered back. My eyes darted to my stack of notes and the mess of writing utensils. “Actually, no, it’s not fine.”
Ryan frowned and raised an eyebrow. “What’s wrong?”
I gave him a wry smile. “I have a huge exam at the end of the week, and I think my brain is shriveling up into nothing.”
Ryan gave a dry laugh. “I’m sure that’s not the case. What are you studying?”
I waved my hand. “Oh, you know, boring stuff.”
He laughed again and rolled his eyes. “Honestly, I don’t know why I asked.”
My heart ached, and suddenly all I wanted him to say was,“Tell me something I don’t know, Bells,”just like he used to. But it never came. He was too preoccupied with whatever he was working on on his computer.
“I really miss you,” I told him softly, hating how my voice cracked.
Ryan’s attention returned to me, and his eyes softened as he looked at me through the screen. “I know. I miss you too.”
I leaned my cheek on my hand and stared at him, taking in his handsome face. I was grateful we could video chat like this, but it was nothing like being with him in person. “Did you ask Teddy if you would be able to come home for the holidays this year?”
Ryan looked down at his desk and let out a long sigh. “I don’t think so, Bells. Things are just kind of crazy right now with the company. They need me here.”
I bit my bottom lip, trying to ignore the tears burning in my eyes. I guess it didn’t matter that I also needed Ryanhere. “Oh, okay.”
Ryan groaned and clenched his jaw. “I’m sorry. I don’t like it any more than you do.”
I swallowed thickly and gave him a smile, hoping it didn’t come off as unhappy as I was feeling right now. “Yeah, I know.”
Ryan went silent again, his focus going back to his work. I watched him type for a few minutes, observing how his eyebrows furrowed. He worried at his bottom lip as he concentrated. The silence was deafening, and I wished I could go back in time and tell him not to go. I wish I had held on to him a little tighter. If I had known there would eventually be more than just physical distance between us, I would have.
Finally, I broke the silence and said, “I guess I’ll let you go.”
