Page 77 of Loathing Ryan
Ryan looked back at me, and I was relieved to see a hint of regret on his face. “Oh, okay. Hey, I’m sorry,” he said again.
I gave him a tight smile and nodded my head. “I hope you get done with all your work.”
“Good luck with your exams,” he said, giving me a small smile of his own, which didn’t reach his eyes like I was so used to.
“Thanks. I’ll talk to you soon,” I said, trying to sound hopeful.
“Bye, Bells,” he said, his tone flat and his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at something off to the side of the screen. The distance between us suddenly felt so much more extensive.
My eyes grow wide as he clicked off the call abruptly.
I love you.
I swallowed thickly, staring at the blank screen, and feeling the chasm of those words falling between us. He didn’t say it—and I didn’t get the chance to.
My heart aching, I set my phone back down and buried my face in my hands, ignoring the few tears that escaped down my cheeks. I hated myself for even feeling this way, but deep down, I so strongly disliked the disconnect that seemed to form between Ryan and me as we lived our separate lives.
Some days we were fine, but then others–like today–I really could feel the thousands of miles between us. There was nothing to do about this conflict, though, other than just wait it out. We still had a couple of years of this to go, but we had made it so far already.
An uncomfortable knot settled in my stomach as I thought about the imaginary mountain we both had to climb together to get to the point where we could live on the same continent once again. Though I knew we were in it together, there were days when I felt Ryan was miles ahead of me, climbing and pushing without a care while I struggled to make it a few steps.
I was tired.
“Brighten up, buttercup,” a familiar deep voice announced as he settled into the chair across from me. I gave Mark a tight-lipped smile, and his eyes narrowed on me. “What’s wrong?”
We had gratefully moved past our little tiff following the ‘I’m not going to Italy, even though you went out on a limb to sign us up’ thing. Mark finally calmed down and realized I had made a good point, and he respected my decision to go see Ryan.
I didn’t regret going to Berlin one bit. When Ryan greeted me at the airport, I finally felt like everything was right in my life again.
He had been waiting for me near the entrance to the airport, and though I was in a small river of people, I saw his head poking over the crowd right away. The minute he spotted me, his familiar green eyes lit up in such a way that had my heart skipping a beat. I ran the rest of the way to him, closing the distance that had become our own personal enemy over the last few months.
Ryan’s arms wrapped around me so tightly, it crushed some of the air out of my lungs as he drew me into him. I hugged him back, feeling like my heart was whole once more. When we pulled away, I didn’t realize I had been crying until Ryan’s thumb swiped at my cheek, brushing away a stray tear.
“Heya, Bells,” he said with his mischievous grin.
I wiped away a few more traitorous tears and grinned back at him. “Hey, yourself.”
Ryan looked like hearing those words made his entire year. His face lit up, and he leaned down, capturing my lips in a searing kiss that put all the other kisses we shared to shame. When he pulled away, he grabbed my luggage in one hand and wrapped his other arm around me, as if he couldn’t stand not touching me.
I had a great time getting to see where Ryan now called home. He showed me around Berlin, hitting all the major tourist spots just for me, picking out sites rich in history. Ryan, though not nearly as interested in those places as I was, was a good sport and participated. He watched me with content amusement as I bounced around each historical site, reading all the placards and filling my brain with as many facts as I possibly could.
On top of all the sightseeing, Ryan brought me to his favorite restaurants, and I was proud to try my very first currywurst and schnitzel.
Each night, after we were both worn out from walking around the city, Ryan would take me back to his apartment, where he’d ravish my body and show me just how much he missed me. When we were both sated, he’d wrap me up in his arms and we’d whisper to each other, talking late into the night.
Leaving him was one of the hardest things I had to do. I kept looking back at the airport, hoping to catch one last glance of him before I left the country. I didn’t know when we’d see each other next, and my heart screamed at me to run back, grab ahold of him, and never let him go.
When I was on the plane, I curled up into a ball as best as I could and cried, feeling empty as the miles began to grow between us once again.
I just chose to keep my experiences to myself, avoiding bringing it up in conversation with Mark as much as I could so it didn’t start any more problems.
Right now, Mark was about all I had. Most of my other friends I had made while here had split off into their own groups as we began taking classes that matched our degree a little more. Juliet had been somewhat distant, far away at her own college, and swamped with her pre-med classes. Our conversations were growing few and far between, though when we did talk, we picked up right where we left off. But in between those times, I found myself feeling lonely. Thankfully, Mark had stuck around. We often met in the library to study, which was exactly what we were doing today.
Mark set down the coffee he must have grabbed for me on the table and held my gaze steady. “Izabel, I asked you what was wrong. Your eyes are bright red.”
I breathed through my nose and shook my head before going back to scribbling something in my notebook. “It’s nothing. I’m just being stupid.”
Mark reached across the table and stilled my hand. I looked up and met his comforting gaze. “Tell me.”
