Page 81 of Loathing Ryan
We laid together for heaven knows how long before he whispered into my hair. “Maybe we just agree to see how it goes. I don’t want to hold you back anymore or make you feel like you’re trapped in something you don’t want.”
My heart splintered again. “I still love you, Ryan.”
He nuzzled his nose in my hair and breathed me in. “I know. I love you too. But that’s why I have to do this. Time apart will help you figure out what you want with your life.”
My eyes burned, and I wanted to cry. Over and over in my head, I kept hearing Mark’s words,“You deserve someone who will be by your side through every moment of your life. Not halfway across the world when you need him most.”
The rational part of me knew Ryan would move mountains for me, yet my heart ached to know that the minute Ryan left today, things would go back to exactly the way they were before. I would continue on with my life here, only getting to talk to Ryan when the stars aligned just right. He would leave, go back to his program, and I would still be alone.
I was exhausted. Drained.
There was nothing that I wanted more than to hold on to him as tight as I could. But right now? I was too tired.
I couldn’t ask Ryan to give up his dreams just for me. I don’t think I could live with myself if I did that to him.
And I knew it was selfish, but Ryan was giving me an out. I was torn in half with the decision of what to do. I didn’t want to give up on Ryan, but at that moment, I couldn’t fathom him walking out that door and the distance setting in again.
The loneliness and the emptiness from the last few months fell over me like a bucket of ice-cold water, chilling me deep down to the bone and reminding me of the nights I spent wide awake, feeling like I was falling apart. I couldn’t go back to that. I don’t think I would ever stop missing Ryan, but being stuck in a crevasse of thousands of miles between us was not something I wanted to return to. I was already broken. I didn’t know how much more of this I could take.
So, I took his offer. I nodded and buried my face in his chest again, hugging him as tightly as I could. “I wish things were different.”
“Me too,” Ryan said back.
My heart broke as more tears tracked down my cheeks. Ryan held on to me for a while longer. Neither of us said a word, rather choosing to bask in each other’s presence for this remaining time left together.
When Ryan was finally ready, he untangled himself from me and helped me off the bed. He gave me a sad smile once we were facing each other, then leaned down to place a lingering kiss on my lips. I closed my eyes and basked in this moment for as long as possible, memorizing the way he tasted and how his familiar cologne wrapped around me like a comforting hug.
This wasn’t at all how I saw our story ending. But I had to hold on to the fact that it wasn’t over. We would find each other again.
When Ryan pulled away, I opened my eyes and gave him a teary smile. “I’ll miss you.”
“Me too, Bells. More than you’ll ever know, but I think this is what needs to happen.” He sounded like he was trying to convince both of us.
Meanwhile, I felt like my soul was ripping in half.
“Don’t forget about me, okay? Even if you get rich and famous,” I tried to tease.
“Never,” Ryan said with conviction. “I could never forget about you.”
His arms tightened around me. Then he let me go before I could get a chance to change my mind. I felt sick to my stomach. Nausea roiled deep in my belly, and for a moment, I thought I might throw up. What was happening? Why was I letting him go?
Reason told me that I was allowing this to happen because it was for the best. I couldn’t do this any longer without it affecting me negatively. This was what was best for both of us.
But then, why did it hurt so badly?
Distance was our enemy. And for now, there was no other option.
I squeezed my eyes shut, telling myself over and over that we were doing the right thing. We would find our way back to each other someday. I knew that with every fiber of my being. I wanted to hate him for it, but it was no use. I could never hate Ryan.
Even though the pain I was experiencing now was stifling, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I was forever grateful that I had decided to give that boy I loathed so much another chance. I couldn’t imagine where I would have been if I hadn’t.
Ryan gave me one last withering look, like he was memorizing everything about me, and then he turned away. My heart ripped into shreds, but I stayed where I was and didn’t chase after him. Without even one more glance behind him, Ryan Miller walked out of my life.
The Story Continues in “Liberating Bells.”
