Page 46 of Liberating Bells
“Do I have to pay for the wine, even though she didn’t drink it?”
Now I do get a pitiful look from the waiter. “Unfortunately, yes.”
I shrug, hand him my card, and grab the wine glass meant for Izabel. I offer him a toast, “When in Rome,” and then get to work emptying this glass too.
He returns with my card and puts it into its space in the wallet I hold out for him. I feel like my fingers are made of cotton. They don’t seem to want to function right at the joints.
I try to make a move to stand up, and I stagger back.
Well, fuck me.
The world spins, and I put a lot of effort into not falling flat on my face. My brain is able to control my fingers long enough that I can scroll through my phone and find another contact I’m looking for. Again, I press the green button and bring it up to my ear. It rings and rings, and then…
“God, this better be good, Ryan. I’m at the part where Westley is fighting off the ROUS-es to save his lady love.”
My inebriated brain cannot even begin to process the weird words that just came out of her mouth. My own words areslurred when I ask, “Jos, can you come pick me up? I’m at Siriano’s, and I don’t think I can drive.”
Silence. Oh God, I hope she was able to understand what I said. I feel a wave of relief when she lets out a disappointed sigh. “As you wish. I’ll be there in ten.” Then she hangs up.
I manage my way out of the restaurant, waving goodbye to my friends, the waiters, on my walk out. I lean my back against the firm wall of the building, my head falling back against the bricks. Crickets chirp in the bushes next to me. I feel like I’m spinning, and I command myself to not throw up.
I don’t know how long I’m out there waiting, but finally I see Josie’s car turn into the parking lot and stop right in front of me. I stumble over to the passenger side door and settle myself in the front seat, slumping against the window as she drives me home.
I vaguely remember her helping me walk up the stairs to my condo, then unlocking the door. Josie pushes me onto my bed, pulling my shoes off but leaving everything else. I settle my head onto the pillow, groaning as I bury my face into it. Why did I do this? I know what happens when you shoot whiskey and chase it with a full glass of wine.
“What did you say?” Josie asks, her voice just a whisper in the darkness.
I didn’t even realize I said anything. “I’m an idiot,” I mutter, pulling my face out of the pillow just long enough to get that out before flopping back down.
Another low sigh, and I feel her stroke her hand through my hair. “Yeah, Ry. Yeah, you are. An idiot in love.”
16
IZABEL
My reflection stares backat me out of my bathroom mirror. I give myself a good once-over and decide that I’m happy with the result. I don’t want to come across as desperate, but I want to look nice for our dinner tonight.
For Ryan.
My hair is still slightly curled from this morning, so I spritz on some hairspray to bring some more life to it and call it good. I’m wearing my favorite shade of lipstick and apply some mascara on my eyes.
Not too much, but just enough.
I think this is the most I’ve felt like myself in a long, long time.
I smile at the mirror, making sure I don’t have any lettuce stuck in my teeth from lunch, and then head back to my bedroom. My feet carry me over to my dresser, where I pull out my jewelry box, digging through it to find one of my most prized possessions. My fingers delicately hold up the silver heart necklace that Ryan gifted to me all those years ago. I run my thumb over the engraving on the back, feeling the ridges underneath my skin.R&B. Would it be too much if I wore it tonight? I don’t want to give off the wrong kind of message. I bitethe inside of my lip, unsure. Laying the necklace down on top of my dresser, I stretch the silver chain out straight.
Anticipation pools in my belly. I don’t think I’ve ever been this eager to go out to dinner before. It’s been over a month since I last spent any time with Ryan, and the last time didn’t end on such a happy note. His request to put distance between us hurt, but I understand. And I’ve tried my best to give him that distance he was looking for. But I can’t deny that I miss him.
For a long time, Ryan was my best friend. The one person I felt closest to in the world. After all those years, having him back in Cedar Ridge has rekindled a yearning for that kind of connection. That was one of the hardest parts of our breakup. Besides not having him as my boyfriend, I missed having him as my friend.
I don’t have that kind of connection with Mark anymore. He used to be the light in some of my darkest days, but now I find that there’s more distance growing between us as time passes. I love him, but Ryan and I had a connection that was initially built on trust and friendship. I suppose surviving a life-or-death situation together would be the reason that kind of bond was formed. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to recreate that kind of experience with anyone but him.
My eyes dart down to the gaudy engagement ring on my finger. I allow myself to imagine what it would be like if it were someone else’s ring, or if it was someone else in general. I always used to dream that I would marry Ryan. It was the next chapter for us. I think about how scandalized Ryan looked last month when his little sister blurted out something about him wanting to marry me. Maybe at one point in the past, he felt the same.
I have to wonder if we made a mistake letting each other go. At the time, the distance was suffocating, and we were hurting each other more than we were helping. We each needed to goand discover our own paths, but I question if that was the right decision.
The sound of my doorbell brings me out of my daydreams. My eyebrows pull together as I walk out of my room and toward the door. I thought Ryan was going to meet me there. Maybe I got confused. It’s about a quarter after five, so perhaps he decided to swing by here and pick me up instead.
