Page 72 of Liberating Bells
But I can’t. If Mark knew that my heart was conflicted, I feel like there would be nothing stopping him from taking Ryan from me and physically ripping the traitorous organ straight out of my chest.
The thought brings more tears to my eyes and a heart-wrenching sob rips from my chest. I crumple even further into myself, holding my torso tightly as if I’m afraid that I’ll fall to pieces if I don’t.
With everything that just transpired with Mark in mind, and some of my conversations with Ryan echoing in my ears, when I’ve finally cried myself out, I leave my bedroom and walk into my little study. I sit down at my desk and open my laptop, pulling up a new browser window. My fingers fly over the keyboard as I type what I’m looking for into the search engine. Results come up, and I scroll through them.
Ryan suggested going through self-defense classes. And the more I think about it, the better that idea sounds to me. Even if just to learn a few basic escape maneuvers. Just in case Mark gets angry and tries to attack me again. I may be trapped for now, but I am not going to allow myself to be helpless.
The Cedar Ridge community college holds a class for women, and their next session starts next week. I click through the web page, reading more about what kinds of things they go over. After browsing for a few minutes, I find myself deciding to sign up. I can always leave if I don’t like it. I enter all my personal information in the required boxes. But before I hit submit, I pause and chew on my thumbnail.
What would Mark think if he found out I’m doing this? I know Ryan would be proud. I can practically picture Ryan standing there with a half-smile on his face and approval etched over his features.
I do it before I can talk myself out of it. I don’t know why I’m so hesitant. It’s not like anyone really needs to know. The class takes place on Monday evenings at 7 o’clock. That’s late enough that it won’t interfere with work, and if I need to, I can grab dinner with Mark beforehand and just tell him I’m going to the gym.
The form submits, and I get a confirmation code that I’m supposed to bring with me. I print it out and set it on my desk next to my computer. This will be a good step for me.
At the very least, I’ll hopefully get a few extra tools to keep in my toolbox just in case shit hits the fan. And these days, that seems like that’s all it ever does.
25
RYAN
“Well,don’t you look like death warmed over,” Josie speculates as she leans against my apartment door. She beat me here. I grumble under my breath as I pull out my keys and unlock the door, walking in. I leave it open for my friend to follow me.
“Always a pleasure, Jos, always a pleasure.”
“Hey, you called me here,” she says, raising her hands in surrender. “Not that I’m mad about it, ’cause fuck, Ry, you look awful.” Her eyes roam up and down my body, and she shakes her head. Not in disgust, but rather concern.
I groan as I drop the duffle bag to the floor and collapse onto the couch. I set my elbows on my knees, resting my head in the palms of my hands. “You have no idea.”
Josie sits next to me a beat later, curling her legs up underneath her. She’s wearing plain black leggings with a t-shirt. I love casual Josie. Her being comfortable makes me comfortable. She hesitantly places a hand on my shoulder and gives my muscle a friendly squeeze.
“Want to talk about it, buddy?”
“No, I just really want to drink,” I tell her honestly. There’s no point in lying to her. Josie’s seen the best and the worst of me and has somehow stuck through it all.
“Well, that’s not an option. So you can either talk to me about it, or we can sit here in silence. I’m fine with either.”
I choose to sit there. I can’t get the words to form appropriately out of my mouth, so I don’t say anything. Josie sticks to her word and sits next to me. When I peek over at her, she’s examining her nails, picking at a cuticle. She glances up, catching me staring at her, and sticks her tongue out at me.
“So, how was your weekend?” Josie asks casually. Smooth.
I groan and fall back onto the couch, resting my head on the top. “It was great. And it was awful. All at the same time.”
“Wow. That sounds interesting. Did you see the fireworks?” I close my eyes and don’t respond. Without missing a beat, Josie says, “Well, this is fun. While you stew, I’m going to order some food. You want anything?”
I sigh. “Whatever.”
“Great, super helpful.” I hear her fiddling with her phone, and a few minutes later, she gives a satisfied sigh. “It will be here in twenty to thirty minutes.”
I tilt my head and look at her. She’s staring right back at me, an understanding smile on her face. “Why couldn’t I have just fallen in love with you?” I ask her miserably.
She laughs now. “Trust me, Ryan, I am not the best girlfriend material. I’ve got all sorts of baggage. You really dodged a bullet with me.”
“Like what kind of baggage?” I prod. Josie is one of my best friends, but I really don’t know much about her past other than her alcoholic brother. She keeps pretty tight-lipped about most things.
Josie huffs another laugh and shakes her head. “Nice try, but I’m over here to help you deal withyourbaggage. Mine is a whole different story.”
“It just would have been so much easier if you were the one I was hopelessly in love with. You’re easy.”
