Page 42 of Liberating Bells
“Yeah.” I bite my lip and look him over. Standing there with his hair perfectly mussed up, his old soccer shirt, and his slacks from last night wrinkled, he is still gorgeous. Where Mark is clean-pressed, Ryan will always have that rugged handsomeness to me. I can still see that younger version of Ryan, jumping into the river to save me from being swept away. The way his messy hair clung to his forehead as he dragged me back to shore and pushed me up the river bank. The two of us will always be connected because of that experience.
“Look, Bells,” he starts. “I willalwayscare about you. And I want the best for you. But I think that if you’re going to continue to be with him, we need to set some boundaries.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that I can’t keep beingthisguy for you.”
“Oh." Regret and longing rush over me. Does he not want to see me anymore? Is it because I’m choosing Mark?
“I just mean—” Ryan pauses before rubbing his hands over his face. He’s frustrated, and I hate seeing him like this. “I can’t just stand by and watch you continue to go through this and pretend that everything is okay. I will always be here for you, but I can’t watch you choose him and go through more nights like the gala and just do nothing. You deserve better.”
I don’t know if I have it in me. We’ll always share our experience, but on top of that, Ryan was my first love. And everyone says you can never forget your first love.
When Ryan and I broke up in college, I mourned for him for what felt like an eternity. It was as though a piece of me was missing. Finally, I found myself again, especially when Mark and I started dating. But even now, Ryan fulfills a part of me that no one else can.
And for that reason, I understand where he’s coming from. I've run to him far too many times for comfort, and that's not fair. To him, or to me. We each need to learn how to live on our own, separate from each other.
As if he can see every thought running across my features, Ryan takes a step forward and cups my cheek with his palm. I lean my weight into his hand and smile as he strokes my cheek with his thumb.
“I love you, Bells,” he whispers, and I look at him with wide eyes. “I will always love you.” Something warm explodes in my chest and nearly knocks the wind out of me. It’s not a phrase I’ve been missing in my life, but there’s something so remarkablydifferent when hearing it from Ryan. For a moment, I feel whole as I let those words wrap around me.
Ryan’s eyes dart to my lips, and before I can fully grasp what’s happening, he leans down and presses his mouth to mine in a chaste kiss. I stand up on my tiptoes and attempt to deepen it, feelings from last night flaring alive again. Before I can, though, he pulls back and puts distance between us.
He gives me a smile, sadness clouding his eyes. I look at him with a blush, and then hold up my phone. “I should probably go home.”
He nods. “Okay, go get your things, and I’ll drive you.”
I move past him and bolt upstairs, grabbing my dress and the rest of my things. Then I head back downstairs to find him by the front door, keys in hand. Neither of us says a word during the drive until he pulls up in front of my apartment complex.
Ryan puts the car in park and then turns to me. “Look, I know I said I can’t be that guy for you, and I stand by that. But if you need anything, I want you to call me.”
I frown at his contradiction. But I know what he means. We need to establish space—boundaries—but he’ll always be there for me if I need him.
“Thanks, Ry,” I whisper. “For everything.” I lean forward and press a kiss to his cheek, letting my lips linger for just a second too long before getting out of the car. Walking toward my apartment, I don’t turn back, even though I feel his gaze on me with every step.
15
RYAN
“Areyou ever going to patch that hole up?” Josie asks me from across my office. I glance up at her over the rims of my glasses. She’s lounging on the couch with her feet propped on top of the arm. Her brown hair cascades around her shoulders, making it look like a waterfall of curls.
I take my glasses off and set them on my desk, rubbing at my eyes. I’ve been staring at these project stats for hours. Josie is supposed to be working too, but she apparently is too distracted by my drywall. “Yeah, eventually. What, you don’t like it?”
Josie sits up and looks at me wryly. “Mmm, no. It’s messing up your Feng Shui.”
I steeple my fingers in front of my face and stare at my friend. “My Feng Shui?”
“You know,” Josie trails off as she stands and meanders over to my desk. “The energy of your environment.”
“I know what it is. I just didn’t realize I had any.”
“Oh, Ryan, come on,” she whines. “You’ve been such a grouch since the whole gala thing. Time to lighten up, buddy, and move on.”
I scowl. The “gala thing,” as she used air quotations to emphasize, happened to be one of the worst nights of my life.Forgive me if I’m not entirely over it. I haven’t seen or heard from Bells since she walked into her apartment from my car without even a backward glance.
That was over a month ago.
This was what I told her needed to happen. I established this distance between us because I wasn’t prepared to watch her fall victim to him over and over again.
