Page 81 of Liberating Bells
“I’m scared,” Thalia whispers, almost as if she’s afraid to say it aloud.
My heart shatters as I observe her. Of course, she’s frightened. I reach across the table and hold her hand. “I know. It’s okay to be scared. But it’s important that you don’t let that fear consume you. You have to be strong.”
I’m not sure if my words are more for her or for me, but they do the trick. Thalia nods and offers me a smile before going back to her chips, taking tiny bites out of one like a chipmunk. “I saw you kiss Ryan. Did you break up with your other boyfriend?”
I nearly choke. Talk about a topic change. Thalia is always good at leaving me speechless. She asks so many direct questions. “Um, no, Thalia. We haven’t broken up.”
“Oh. Then why did you kiss Ryan? Do you love him?”
I bite my lip as I contemplate how to answer her. I want to shoutYes, and explain that I’m trapped in a life I don’t want anymore, but I don’t. I can’t. “Your brother means a lot to me. We were in love for a long time. But sometimes things happen, and people go their separate ways. Just because we’re not together like that anymore doesn’t mean I don’t care about him.”
“What’s it like to be in love?”
“Well,” I say, setting down my bag of chips. How do I explain this to an eight-year-old? “It’s like finding the missing piece to your puzzle or coloring a picture in the brightest colors possible. Loving someone is the brightest star in the sky or seeing a rainbow after a storm.” Thalia’s eyes are glued to me as I keep going. I hope I’m making sense to her.
“The person you love becomes one of the most important things in your life. You feel incomplete without the other person, but when they’re around, everything is better again. You want to be with them, live a happy life with them, and grow old together.”
My voice cuts out as my throat dries with the realization that I’m describing my feelings toward her brother to a T.
“I think I might love Tyler,” the little girl announces to me, brushing a few chip crumbs around the table. “But don’t tell Ryan, ’cause he said he’ll bash his face in.”
“Who’s Tyler?” I ask her, curious.
“He’s this boy at my school. I don’t know if he’s going to be in the same 4th-grade class with me this year or not, ’cause we haven’t gotten our teachers yet. He used to be really mean to me last year, and I hated him. But then he got nicer, and I started to like him more.”
“Have you told him you like him?”
Thalia looks at me with wide green eyes and shakes her head vehemently. “No! That would be super embarrassing. And besides,” she says, going back to her crumbs, “he likes the other girls more.” I look at Ryan’s little sister and think about how unlikely that is. Even at eight years old, Thalia is beautiful. She’s going to break some hearts someday.
“Well, how will he know if you don’t tell him? Sometimes with love, you have to take a risk,” I explain to her. My phone buzzes on the table, and I see a text from Ryan come through. “Ryan says we can head back.” I type out a quick response and hit send.
Thalia cleans up her mess, and then we walk hand-in-hand back to the emergency department. She runs over when she sees her mom is awake. I lock eyes with Ryan for a second, but I look away quickly, feeling a blush form on my cheeks.
My heart aches. All I want is to be with him, feel his strong arms wrap around me, and let him keep me safe. Every time I let myself fall into these fantasies, Mark’s threat rings loud in my mind.“If I find out you’re even thinking about calling off this wedding and running back to him, I will go after your little boyfriend and kill him. And then no one will be able to save you. Do you understand?”
A cold shiver travels down my spine and goosebumps erupt on my arms at the mere thought of Mark following through on his threat. I shake my head, trying to clear it.
Thalia and Ryan both say goodbye to their mom and then head out to the car. I follow close behind them. I watch as Ryan gets Thalia all situated, then turns to me. We stare at each other awkwardly for a few minutes before I get myself to say something.
“Let me know if you need anything, Ryan. I’ll be happy to help in any way I can.”
He nods at me, and I head to my car, assuming that’s that. I’m surprised when he grabs my hand. His fingers are warm on my palm as he pulls me back to him. I bump into his chest and his arms wrap tightly around me. Pressing my cheek against his pectoral muscle, I listen to his heartbeat thumping in my ear.
Ryan pulls away slightly, fitting his hand along the curve of my jaw. His thumb gently traces over the cheek Mark struck when we returned from Nashville. The difference between Mark’s heavy hand and Ryan’s gentle touch is a stark reminder that I am not living the life I should be.
Everything in my brain tells me that this is wrong, that I shouldn’t be risking Ryan’s life like this. But my heart screams that this is right. So right.
A few seconds later, Ryan steps away and offers me a small smile. He thanks me, then pulls me back into him. “Hey,” hesays. I look at him with an eyebrow raised, unsure of where he’s going with this. “I love you, Bells.”
I smile at him, my face now burning with a mixture of embarrassment and desire. Then I turn and head to my car. I rub my fist over my chest, trying to relieve the ache in my heart. In one week, I’m supposed to be walking down the aisle toward Mark, and then I’ll be stuck with him forever. If this were any other man, I would simply leave, but the fear is still seated deeply within me.
When Monday rolls around, I head into the community college gym for my self-defense class. I’m still a little shaken from the events of the weekend with Ryan’s mom.
I’ve texted Ryan a few times, and he informed me that his mom is fine and that she was able to come home. But I still can’t get Thalia’s and my conversation out of my head. “I’m scared,” is what she said. Those words stay with me as I set down my bag and get ready for the class. Fear is what drove me to look into self-defense in the first place. I am no stranger to being scared.
Tonight is our sixth session of the self-defense course. This evening is a checkpoint, and we are being evaluated on our skills that we’ve acquired thus far. We started off the whole thing sitting down and talking with our classmates and instructors about what to expect and any past experiences that might have influenced us to achieve this self-defense certification. I stayed quiet, but I was amazed to hear the women in my class share their stories. A few of them explained situations that sounded similar to mine.
Tonight, we are going to be working with the instructors hands-on. Both the women and the instructors will have an assortment of protective padding to wear. This helps safeguard our heads, fists, elbows, and knees. Then we will work with the instructors one on one. They will try to take us off guard bygrabbing or attacking us, and we need to use our skills to fight them off or maneuver out of their grip to run away.
