Page 40 of The Burdens We Share
Before I can think better of it, I lose control over my tongue, “Oh, I’m so sorry I wasn’t doing a good job at parentingyourson! It’s not like I live across the country and work my fucking ass off to make sure you don’t have to work. No, I just have to do that job and then come here and do yours too and get my boyfriend involved too!” I never raise my voice at my mother. I never fight with her. Sure, I get annoyed as fuck at her on any given day, but I never snap on her. I always feel too guilty even thinking of saying something to her because I know Sam does it enough for ten people.
Her mouth gapes and she stares at me with wide eyes. Her eyes glaze over and before I can even think of apologizing or saying something, she rushes out of the kitchen, wailing crying, and tears pouring out of her eyes.
I want to chase after her and hug her, say I’m sorry, but a wave of dizziness washes over me and I feel my legs shaking beneath me. I lower myself onto the barstool and rest my head in my hands. I feel so shitty, physically and emotionally. I can’t believe I just snapped at my mom like that. Sure, it’s all things that are true and I do feel that way, but I should never have said that. God, I swear I don’t even recognize who I am these days. I’m just so angry all the time and it just seems to get worse with every day. It’s due in part to being hungry constantly but also to feeling so weak and fatigued.
Heavy footsteps pad down the stairs accompanied by a softer set. When I lift my head, another wave of dizziness makes my head spin and Dallas appears in front of me, cupping my face in his rough palm. “Are you okay?” Even dizzy, he still makes me blush. I want to believe the soft lilt to his voice and the tenderness with which he touches me are real and not a part of the fake boyfriend visage, but I can’t be sure.
“Yeah, I’m good. Just got a little dizzy,” I explain, pulling myface out of his palms.
His jaw sets and he drops his hands to his sides, assessing me with a hard set in his eyes. My dizzy spell wears off and when he sees that in my face, he relaxes and changes the subject. “Sam has something he’d like to say to you.”
Dallas steps to the side and I find Sam with a pitying expression on his face. He looks remorseful as if he feels tremendous guilt for the way he treated me. He crosses his arms over his chest and apologizes, “I’m sorry, Ivory.”
I sigh, “It’s okay, Sam. I just wanted to talk to you about your behavior. I’m worried about you and so is Mom. I know it seems like we’re constantly nagging at you, but it’s because we love you and we don’t want to see you getting into trouble.”
He nods, “I know. I’ve been really difficult and I’m sorry. I think I was just acting out at first to get Mom’s attention and then she wasn’t giving it to me even then. She would just make me your problem and then I just got super bitter and started acting out more. I didn’t realize how out of hand I got.”
My eyes widen in shock at his admission. I look up at Dallas and find a proud look on his face. What did he say to Sam in that room that made him apologize to me? What could he have said to Sam, the most stubborn person on the planet, that would make him see the error of his ways? I want to leap out of my seat and kiss Dallas, that’s how grateful I am to him, but I force myself to remain seated. I’ll thank him later. For now, my heart swells with gratitude towards him.
I focus back on my brother, “You were never a burden to me, Sam. You’re my little brother and I’m sorry I’m not around as much as you’d like me to be.” Sam himself was never the burden. The burden was my Mother giving me a parenting job for a child that isn’t mine. It isn’t about Sam so much as it’s about my mother.
Sam shakes his head and rushes towards me, wrapping hisarms around me. I hug him back as he squeezes me, tears in his voice, “No. Don’t apologize. I was being so petty and dramatic. You work so hard to take care of us. Thank you, Ivory.”
I laugh, “Who are you and what did you do to Sam?”
He laughs through his tears, “Shut up, I’m trying to be nice.”
I squeeze him a little tighter and we just hold each other, my brother’s tears soaking my hair. He whispers in my ear, “Dad would be really proud of you.”
Now tears are forming in my eyes. I do my best to blink them away because I need to be strong for my brother. He’s been through so much and if I cry over our dad, he’ll have a breakdown of his own. “Thank you,” I whisper back.
I turn my head to the side, resting it flat against his chest and I’m able to make eye contact with Dallas this way. I have a perfect view of his face and I take in the soft set in his eyes and the small curve of his lips. He looks so unlike his usual self, so carefree andhappy. He seems genuinely happy to see this sentimental moment between my brother and I. I feel a rush of affection towards Dallas. Sure, I’ve been attracted to him for some time, and in the time I’ve come to know him, I consider him a protector, someone I feel truly safe with. But he’s always been so stern, so serious. We haven’t truly connected emotionally and I feel like right now, in just a few seconds of this silent exchange between us where just our eyes are meeting, I’m seeing a completely different side to him. I feel connected to Dallas in a way I haven’t felt before.
Thank you, I mouth to him and give him a warm smile.
He dips his chin at me, but doesn’t say “You’re welcome.” He isn’t the kind of man who needs to be thanked because when Dallas Carter does something for someone out of the kindness of his heart, he isn’t doing it for a “thank you.” He’s doing it because he cares.
Chapter 15
Ivory
The driver shuts theback door beside me and makes his way to the front. After my emotional moment with my brother, Dallas instructed Sam to find my mom and apologize to her too. He also made him clean up the mirror shards and strongly encouraged him to use his allowance to buy my mom a new one. Sam seemed extremely intimidated by Dallas because who wouldn’t be? But he also seemed slightly relieved that Dallas was there. It’s almost as if Sam just needed a strong male role model to help him see the error of his ways. Sam was so young when our dad died that he never had that male figure to teach him right and wrong. It isn’t Dallas’ job to parent Sam, but he took it upon himself to mentor the sixteen-year-old and it not only means a lot to me, but I know it meant something to Sam.
I still owe my mom an apology and I plan on giving her one tomorrow when we stop back at the house to say goodbye before we fly back to LA. We all figured it would be best for Sam to have some alone time with my mom. They have the most damage to repair in their relationship. It also was getting pretty late and Dallas and I were pretty worn down from traveling and dealing with all the drama so we decided to head over to the hotel to get some sleep.
The driver pulls away from the curb and I relax into my seat. I let my head roll to the side and I find that Dallas is focused on the streets we drive past. His focus is out the window. Just looking at him brings the affection and gratitude I feel towards him back to the surface. I need to thank him for everything he’sdone. “Dallas,” I say quietly so as not to disturb him.
He turns his head to face me and answers, “Yes?”
“Thank you. For everything you did today. It really means a lot to me,” my voice comes out so genuine because I truly mean what I’m saying. Nobody has ever done for me what Dallas did for me today.
He gives me a dismissive look, “You don’t need to thank me.”
I frown, “Yes, I do. You don’t know what you did. You just fixed a few years’ worth of issues in just a couple of hours. And you didn’t get anything out of it.”
“I didn’t do it to get anything from it,” his voice comes out hard.
I hope that the Dallas I spent time with today isn’t gone. I like the man he usually is, the stern, intimidating, and stick-in-the-mud businessman, but I liked the playful and kind version much more. “I know. Thank you.”
