Page 76 of Here to Stay
He walked out of the kitchen, a drink in each hand, primed for a fight with my mom, but making sure he gave her a drink first. Had to make sure she was plastered all day, so he could point at her whenever anyone mentioned his drinking.
He bypassed Blue, who was sitting on a blanket playing a game on the iPad I’d gotten her for her birthday. Her red-and-green dress and cute tight curls, so dissonant with the drab and depressing room.
“He takes care of you?” my father asked, pointing a finger at me after he’d handed my mom her fresh drink. “He doesn’t give a shit about you. He’s looking for a way to get himself and his sister as far away from you as possible.” He scoffed at my mother’s crestfallen face.
“He’s ashamed of us. Thinks we’re ‘bad for the baby.’ Fucking nerve. Who do you think put up with this one?” He waved a hand at my sister, who was again on the move setting up the table and avoiding eye contact with my father at all costs. “Huh? Who dealt with her when she was whoring around and skipping school?”
I stood up, ready to tell him that if Sofia was running the streets and acting out it was because she couldn’t cope with this house and their bullshit, but like always, my sister put herself right in between my father and me.
“Food’s ready. Let’s eat.” She put her hand on my shoulder and looked over at the baby, who was eerily unbothered by the screaming adults in the room. “Rocco, why don’t you help me get Blue settled in her booster seat. There are bibs in the bag by the door.” She smiled affectionately at her little girl, but the point was made. We were going to act like everything was fine to get through this meal.
“If not she’ll get red gravy all over her new dress. Right, baby?” She walked over to Blue and picked her up. Walking away from my father and me like a zoo trainer trying to distract two tigers from ripping each other’s throats out.
She came back and handed me the baby, while she got busy coaxing my mom out of the chair. My father just stood there seething. Waiting for any excuse to lunge.
I got Blue buckled in her seat and carried out a pitcher of water from the kitchen while Sofia helped my mom to the table. My stomach turned as I watched her stumble around in the living room, drunk and disoriented. I closed my eyes, feeling sick. I hated that being around my family made me so miserable. I fucking hated that my father was right. I was embarrassed that this was what our family holidays were like. I thought about Thanksgiving dinner and being with Julia’s family. Being here now, with my stomach tight with tension. Every muscle in my body prepared to fight or run.
As we sat down, Sofia made a big deal about saying grace and I just went with it. Hoping we’d get through this meal without one of my father’s explosions.
“This looks so good, Rocco. I can’t believe you got it from Triangolo. You know I love the pasta with the frutti di mare and the branzino for the Seven Fishes.” For the first time since I’d gotten here, I saw my mom’s smile. She looked so pleased with the food. “And the antipasti. Sofia baby, give me some of the sopressata, the spicy one.” She reached over and touched my cheek. “You got all your mama’s favorites, Rocco.”
“I’m glad you like it, Ma.” I looked over at my dad and he was back to staring at me from narrowed eyes, hand gripping his drink.
As we passed platters around, I tried to work past the knot in my throat and put some food on my plate.
“How was breakfast, Rocco? Did you go to that place you like with the Britos?” As soon as the words were out of Sofia’s mouth, I knew there would be trouble. My dad immediately leaned forward in his chair, sucking his teeth.
“Oh, you went and saw ‘The Coach’ first. Figures, we would be sloppy seconds.” He turned to my mother. “Aren’t you glad your son made time for you after he was done kissing up to that meddling jerk-off?”
Sofia looked at me, an “I’m sorry” written all over her face. I shook my head and said nothing as my father ran his mouth.
Looking a little more sober after eating some food, my mother just shook her head at my father. “Leave him alone, Billy. He doesn’t kiss anyone’s ass; the Britos love Rocco, and they did a lot for him.” Her face looked pained and in that moment I could read in her face all the regret that my mother numbed herself from with alcohol and pills.
“They did a lot more for him than we ever did.” She touched my hand and gave me another watery smile. “Look at him. He’s such a good man. Successful, a consultant.”
My father just scoffed and took another gulp out of his drink. “He’s ungrateful is what he is.”
I almost stood up then, my heart beating out of my chest, and I could feel the beads of sweat on my back. I knew what this was. I knew it was my old response to my father’s anger. Fear and the need to protect myself, my mother, and my sister from his hateful words.
He never hit, my father. He didn’t need to—he could cut us all down to shreds without lifting a finger.
He looked at me, and I could see he wanted me to lose my temper, to lunge at him so he could tell me how much like him I was. Not today.
The tension in the room was palpable. Even Blue, who until now had seemed oblivious to the tension, started fussing. She was thrashing in her chair as Sofia tried to coax her to eat some of the food on her plate. When Sofia tried to give her a bite of chicken, she kicked hard, knocking a glass of soda off the table. The sound of shattering glass was like a gunshot. For a second we all sat there in silence and then my father stood up roaring.
“We can’t even have a meal in peace in this house. I have to sit here and let my ‘children’ disrespect me and act like I’m supposed to be proud, of what?” He flung a hand in my direction. “Of this one acting like he’s better than me because he’s making a little money.” Then turned to my sister, who was picking up shards of glass while soothing Blue at the same time. I was about to go help her when he opened his mouth again, sneering. “Or should I have thrown a party for this one when she showed up at my door knocked up by a—”
I didn’t let him finish. I lunged and backed him up against the wall, a cold rage filling me. “Say it. Open your mouth and say what you were going to say about your granddaughter.”
Blue let out a wail as I stood there with my shoulder digging into my father’s chest. He gasped, short of breath, and I came back to myself. I stepped back, wiping my mouth, shaking from the adrenaline coursing through my veins. My father was looking at me and he seemed scared. Sofia just soothed Blue wide-eyed, probably shocked by my outburst. I looked around the room, my vision finally clearing, and I let out a horrified breath.
“I have to go.”
My mother just sat at the table, her hands trembling as she grabbed her glass. “That’s fine, baby. We can just have the cookies tomorrow. I’m feeling a little tired.”
My father made a sound of disgust as he walked out of the room, and when he looked back at me his eyes were menacing. “I’m going to my room; you better not be here when I get back.”
Sofia followed me out to the living room. “I’m just going to get Ma sorted out and I’ll be right behind you.”
