Page 104 of Lust & Lies
“I know. I see it in your eyes. I feel it in your touch. I know you love me. And I love you too.”
I really did. And I was supposed to be holding on to that love, to this feeling whenever I felt myself spiraling. I was supposed to hold on to the look Aiden had in his eyes right now whenever I felt like I was losing myself to my thoughts, my doubts, my fears. I was falling short of the promises I’d made him and myself.
“If there was something wrong, you’d tell me, right?” he asked.
“Right,” I lied like the horrible wife I was being.
“Okay, baby. Go relax. I’ll bring you a snack when I join you.”
“Thanks, husband.”
“Anything for you, wife,” he told me, some of the worry leaving his expression.
Perhaps my acting was getting better. He pressed a kiss to my forehead before we parted ways. I watched him walk away, staring at his back, a sinking feeling coming over me. Was it an emotional memory?
Had he walked away from me before, away from our relationship?Damn it, Noelle, what are you thinking?Movie! I needed to watch a movie to clear my head. I headed to the garden room to find something to distract me.
Grabbing the remote from the center table, I curled up on the couch. Flicking through the movies, I scrolled past romances, thrillers, and even comedies before finally landing on a zombie movie.
Something bloody and violent felt safer than letting my mind wander. I hit play. It wasn’t long before screams and gunfire filled the room.Chaotic comfort. This was exactly what I needed. At least on screen, the monsters were easy to spot.
Ugh!I couldn’t believe I’d just thought that. Leaning back, I pulled a throw pillow against my chest. My eyes remained on the television, but my thoughts weren’t on the flesh-eating zombies.
The shed flashed in my mind. It was part of my property yet somehow off-limits. I thought about Aiden’s hesitation when I’d asked about it. Then came the phone call that I couldn’t listen in on. I knew I was being ridiculous.
There were no monsters hiding in the shadows here. Aiden had done nothing but love me, care for me, and protect me. I knew that to be true. I also knew that he was keeping things from me. I also knew there was a whole life I didn’t remember.
So yeah, I had a right to feel a little lost, a little upset, a little whatever the fuck I wanted to feel.Shit!Heart racing, I closedmy eyes, feeling a headache coming on. Suppressing my feelings couldn’t be okay for my health.
Neither was complaining about every damn thing. I was stuck in this weird position where I didn’t want to complain, but I was also having a hard time holding it in. I felt like I was going to explode at any minute.
I took a few deep breaths, holding back my feelings. It seemed all I did was hold back my feelings. This wasn’t healthy or helpful. Even knowing that, I pushed them down anyway. The question was, was I doing this for me or for Aiden?
I kept worrying about what was fair to Aiden, what would make him upset, what would make him stressed. But what about what was fair to me? My feelings were valid, even if they were irrational.
Those tears I was trying to keep from falling slowly crept down my cheek. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, but there was no stopping them. I turned onto my side, facing the cushion. Aiden wasn’t even here for me to hide my tears from, yet I was still hiding.
I was becoming good at hiding how I felt, and I hated that. I was the patient here. I shouldn’t have to hide how I felt. And Aiden hadn’t asked that of me. He’d just asked me what was wrong, and I’d pretended everything was okay.
All I had to do was open my mouth. It wasn’t like I didn’t know how. I just didn’t want to keep overreacting. That would get old fast. So, I was doing this to myself, once again proving that I was the problem.
Fuck!I lay there, face pressed against the couch, bawling my eyes out and hating myself for it. And hating myself for hating myself. And to make matters worse, a sense of Deja vu washed over me at that moment.
I felt like I’d done this exact thing before, lie on this exact couch and bawl my eyes out because of Aiden. But I didn’t knowif that was just my mind playing tricks on me or my mind filling me with an emotional memory.
Not knowing caused more tears to fall, and I felt even more helpless than I’d felt the day I woke up not knowing who I was. I cried until my head started to ache. And still I lay there, too drained to move.
The movie droned on behind me, sound fading as exhaustion pulled me under. I drifted off to sleep. And like my previous dreams, this one felt more like a memory than a dream. But this dream was nothing like the others I’d had.
In this dream, I wasn’t laughing and smiling. I wasn’t planning my life with Aiden or talking about how much we loved each other. There was no garden, no joy, no happiness. This dream, this memory, was a nightmare.
In other dreams, it always felt like I was living in the moment, seeing things through my eyes. This time, it was more like I was watching it happen. Like my spirit was present, watching the past unfold. And what I saw and heard left me shocked and disturbed.
“He’s not the man I thought he was,” Dream-Me stated, speaking to someone I couldn’t see.
I was standing in a bedroom I didn’t recognize, arms crossed, pacing in front of a bed covered in a green comforter with pink flowers on it. My voice was strained, and I could tell I’d been crying.
My hair was pulled back in a ponytail, yet stray hairs were loose in certain places. This woman in disarray looked like me. Sounded like me. But she wasn’t me. Not the me I knew. Then again, I didn’t really know who the real me was.
