Page 23 of Lust & Lies
He froze, chopsticks in hand. I was nervous as hell as I waited for him to say something. He lowered his utensil to his plate, grabbed his napkin, and dabbed at the corners of his mouth. I knew stalling when I saw it.
And this man was stalling. He wasn’t going to answer me in the way I hoped. Even so, I waited to see what he would say.Would he brush me off with a lame excuse, or would he be considerate of my feelings and reveal a little bit of my family details to me?
“Baby, I want to tell you about your family. But it’s...” he paused.
If he said it was complicated, I’d probably lose my mind.
“Give me a month of us tracking your progress, and then I’ll share some things with you. How about that?”
I kept my face void of emotion, not wanting to reveal just how upset I was. What did I expect? I mean, really? I’d jumped out there with this when I was supposed to be taking baby steps with him and letting him reveal things to me without realizing it.
“Okay?” I said, staring down at my plate again.
“You’re upset with me, aren’t you?”
“Nope,” I muttered.
“You are.”
“If you know I am, then why ask?”
Those words were out of my mouth before I could stop myself. I turned in my seat to face him, only to find him smiling.
“A month more of that and I’ll be ready to tell you,” he said.
Wait. What?
“As you return to your normal, take no shit, self,” Aiden started. “I’ll know you can handle more of your past.”
“Is it that bad?”
“Noelle...”
“I know, you can’t tell me yet.”
“I just want to be sure you’re ready for it when I do tell you. There are things in my own past that I wish I could forget. Some things just aren’t worth remembering. Of course, you don’t think that because right now, you want to remember everything. Right now, you feel lost. And I get that. But trust me...” he paused. “Sorry. You don’t have to trust me until you’re ready. Just know, not every memory is going to be pleasant. And some will behard to accept. Some will make you wish you could forget them again. However, there will also be happy ones. I hope the happy ones return first so that you don’t get stuck with a bunch of bad memories in your head. That’s what the therapist is for. And he’s not back in town yet. I don’t want you to suffer through something you’ve already suffered through. I don’t want you to relive something you’ve already fought to get away from.”
His words made sense. I sighed, slouching in my seat as I stared up at the ceiling.
“That makes sense,” I whispered. “It wasn’t even an hour ago that I promised you and myself I’d be patient and take this one day at a time. Now look at me, rushing things again.”
“Noelle, youaretaking it one day at a time. This is what one day at a time looks like.”
I looked over at him. “It's only day one out of the hospital, and I already feel like I’m spiraling.”
“You’re not spiraling. You’re healing.”
But this didn’t feel like healing. I tried to hold back my emotions. I really did. However, they spilled forth on their own.
“This doesn’t feel like healing,” I confessed, and that was all I could get out before a wave of anguish washed over me, and my words turned into a choked sob.
I covered my face, surprised and embarrassed by how I was behaving. It hit me so suddenly, I hadn’t been able to prepare myself. I heard Aiden’s stool scrape against the floor. I didn’t want him to see me like this.
Yet, there was nowhere for me to run, nowhere to hide. A second later, his arms were wrapped around me, and I was pressed against his chest.
“It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you.”
His words only made me cry harder. I felt like the world was crashing down around me, and I was slowly being buried underthe rubble. To make matters worse, I wasn’t pretty-crying. Loud sobs that made my shoulders quake tore from me.
