Page 36 of Lust & Lies
She walked back to her chair, grabbed her throw blanket, then moved to the couch I was seated on and settled down beside me. It was something about having her right next to me that calmed the negative voices in my head. The ones that told me this illusion could shatter at any second.
“You ready?” I asked as she pulled the blanket across her lap.
“I am.”
I pressed play. The movie resumed. As the opening credits scrolled, I reached for both bowls and handed hers to her.
“Thanks. Is this movie bloody?” she asked, eyes on the screen.
“You’ll have to wait and see.”
“You’re no fun,” she pouted, still not tearing her gaze away from the television.
It didn’t take her long to be entranced by the movie, giving me a chance to watch her without her asking me what I was staring at. Every time she smiled at the screen, my chest tightened.
She was enjoying the movie. And I was enjoying being this close to her. It was true what old people said: You appreciate things more after you lose them. You cherish things more when you don’t know how long you’ll be able to hold on to them.
I didn’t know how many nights she and I would spend like this. All I knew was that she was here with me right now, smiling like nothing had ever gone wrong between us. Because for her,nothinghad ever gone wrong between us.
I barely touched my food, choosing to watch her instead, noting the way she wrapped her slender fingers around the spoon. I watched her shoulders tremble when she laughed so hard that she had to catch her breath.
I watched her lips part on a gasp when the first zombie appeared on the screen. I took note of how she tensed when a kid raced down the street, trying to escape a horde of the undead.
Of course, he fell and took damn near three minutes to get back up. And I became a captive to her beautiful smile when the hero of the movie shot the zombie in the head, saving the child before it was too late.
“Kill shot,” she whispered, before eating more of her food.
Kill shot.
Thosewouldbe the two words she uttered. I faced the screen and began eating. We watched the movie in silence. It was a comfortable silence, reminding me of the old days. Days when she forced me to watch movies like this with her.
Days when I complained about having work to do, but eventually gave in because she could be very persuasive. From now on, work would never be more important than moments like this. Nothing would.
I relaxed against the cushion and placed my arm over the back of the couch, knowing that at any moment she’d stop sitting on the edge of her seat and decide to relax. Halfway through the movie, she curled her feet onto the couch and leaned back against the cushion.
Her head was now resting on my arm. If she felt it, she didn’t say anything. Maybe she was too engrossed in the movie to notice. But I did. Smiling, I kept my eyes glued to the screen as the hero carried the woman he loved into a farmhouse so they could hide.
The bowl she’d eaten from sat empty on the center table with mine right beside it. At one point, she scooted closer to me. Her eyes stayed on the screen. Then she spoke, so softly I almost missed it.
“I don’t remember this movie, but I know I’ve seen it before,” she whispered.
“Yeah?” I whispered back, like we were in a movie theater or something.
“Yeah. I knew a joke was coming before they said it. I didn’t remember what the joke was going to be. But I felt something funny was coming. And I knew the lady with the red hair was going to die a horrible death. I didn’t know when or how. But I knew she was. Oh, and I knew that Mike guy was a traitor before he led them to that rundown building.” She paused. “It’s a weirdfeeling when you remember something, but don’t remember it at the same time. It’s strange.”
And here I was, hoping she’d stay that way, trapped in that strange feeling, lost in that cloud of uncertainty. Guilt hummed through me, making me hate myself even more than I already did. But I could never hate myself more than I loved her.
My love for her, that stubborn love, that relentless love, that obsessive and endless love, was the reason I was doing all of this. So, guilty or not, I wouldn’t give up on her, on us. I wouldn’t let go. Ever!
For a while, neither of us said anything. The movie played on, actors talking, music growing more intense, but I couldn’t tell you what scene we were on. I wasn’t watching anymore.
My attention was on the slow rhythm of her breath, the way it dipped a little more every few minutes. She was starting to doze off. By the end of the movie, she was tucked against me, eyes shut, fingers resting against my thigh.
I didn’t move. I didn’t speak. I barely fucking breathed. I didn’t do a damn thing except sit there and hold her. She hadn’t fallen asleep against me in years. Holding her like this damn near brought tears to my eyes.
How could anyone expect me to give this up? How could anyone expect me not to fight for this with everything I had? No regrets. No matter how things turned out, I wouldn’t regret the things I’d done to bring this woman back into my life.
I didn’t care about what anyone thought of me. I didn’t fear the judgment that could come later. None of that mattered to me. I knew I’d do it all again if I had to. Every damn bit of it, if it meant getting her back.
