Page 61 of Lust & Lies
Or was it something more nefarious?Ugh. Why was I even thinking about that? Clearly, he wasn’t the one I should be worried about. Neither was she.I was.That thought sent a chill over me.
But I couldn’t ignore the facts. My reaction to her was a sign that something was off about me. What if my husband hadn’t been the problem at all? What if he’d never been the one I needed to be wary of or fear? What if the problem had been me all along?
What if my husband was the one who should be afraid, not me?
CHAPTER NINETEEN
NOELLE
AIDEN PLACED ME ONthe couch in the living room, then knelt in front of me. Clasping my hands, he stared up at me. I swallowed, feeling as if I’d somehow betrayed his trust, diminished his love for me.
Had I cracked the pedestal he’d placed me on? My heart told me I had. I’d definitely diminished my own trust in myself. My actions had been a red flag. It wasn’t just about almost hurting someone.
It was the fact that at that moment, the idea of doing it hadn’t made me sick. If anything, I’d been calm. And if I were honest with myself, I’d been a little thrilled. My heart had raced, not from fear or adrenaline, but from excitement.
I’d wanted to do it. What did that say about me? Aiden thought he was protecting me. He’d rushed to my side and focused solely on my needs. And Dolores thought I’d been startled. She’d assured me that it wasn’t my fault, taking all the blame onto herself.
Had neither of them noticed what I’d done? Did they not care about how fast my mind had gone to the darkest place possible?Murder. What if that darkness wasn’t because of the movie from yesterday?
What if it had always been there, just waiting for the right moment to come out? Or what if it was only hiding because I hadamnesia? What if there were parts of me that even Aiden didn’t know about?
Parts that couldn’t be trusted. Parts that weren’t worth loving. If that was true... then maybe the real danger in this house wasn’t Aiden at all. Maybe it wasn’t my memory loss or the people I’d forgotten.
Maybe it was me. In the hospital, I’d been so worried about going home with a husband I didn’t know. I’d been wary of him, afraid that he would hurt me in some way. Maybe he should’ve been worried about bringing home a wife he didn’t know.
Or did he know? I thought back to the first dream I’d had about him. He’d insisted on telling others about our relationship, while I’d been hesitant. I’d feared others finding out, others who hadn’t wanted Aiden and me to be together.
There was a chance I was the reason they hadn’t wanted us to be together. Those people could’ve been trying to protect Aiden from me. If that was the case, it was possible that the things I’d done before I lost my memory were worse than this. Worse than pinning our cook to the wall and placing a knife to her throat.
Aiden squeezed my hands. “Noe... sweetheart, say something.”
I stared down at our intertwined fingers, noting the way his thumb brushed over my knuckles in small, soothing circles. A lover’s touch. A husband’s comfort. More tears spilled down my cheeks.
Releasing my hands, Aiden cupped my face. “Noe, look at me.”
I blinked and tried to focus. But even his gaze that was brimming with love couldn’t quiet the rising terror inside of me.
“Baby, you’re scaring me,” he told me, brushing tears from my cheeks. “Don’t scare me like this. Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
I swallowed, attempting to pull it together. I wish I could be like him and Dolores. I wished I could ignore what I’d done and move on. Claim it wasn’t my fault. But I couldn’t.
“You saw it...” I whispered before clearing my throat. “You saw what I did.”
“What did you do?” he asked, looking confused.
“My... My first reaction was to grab a knife.”
He frowned. “What?”
“When I thought someone was in the house, my first reaction was to grab a knife.”
“Of course it was,” he told me. “That’s what anyone would do.”
“But...” I swallowed, not knowing how to explain myself. “I’d had these thoughts.”
Violent thoughts. Thoughts of blood and murder. Thoughts of covering up the crime. Thoughts no normal person, no sane person should have.
“What kind of thoughts?” he asked.
