Page 62 of Lust & Lies
Should I tell him? He needed to know.
“I...” I stared down at my lap, not wanting to reveal that dark side of me. Not wanting to watch the adoration in his eyes fade into caution.
“Look at me, love,” he whispered.
I shook my head.
“Noe, look at me,” he insisted, tone leaving no room for argument.
My gaze rose to his.
“Love, you thought someone had broken into our home. You proceeded to protect yourself and our home. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I would’ve done the same thing had I thought there was someone dangerous in this house, in the house my wife lives in, the house the woman I cherish lives in.”
“I know, but...”
“No buts,” he interrupted. “You did the right thing.”
“Aiden, listen to me.”
“First, tell me that you understand you did nothing wrong.”
I shook my head, not understanding why he couldn’t see that what I’d done wasn’t right.
“Aiden, you don’t understand. You keep acting as if what I did was fine, but it wasn’t. Not for me. Not for anyone. There was nothing natural about how I’d felt in that moment.”
His hands were still cupping my cheeks, his thumbs brushing softly over my skin. I could tell by his expression that he wasn’t truly comprehending what I was saying.
“Aiden, I didn’t just grab the knife and haphazardly plan to defend myself. I knew exactly what I was going to do with it. There was no hesitation. No thought to run and ask for help. No desire to go wake you up so you could protect me, protect us.”
Now it was time to reveal the part that truly bothered me.
My voice dropped lower as I muttered, “In my head, I planned out how I was going to kill her. I even plotted how I’d get rid of the body.”
Shame filled me as I braced myself for his reaction, for the look in his eyes to change. Aiden didn’t flinch. Didn’t look shocked. Didn’t pull away.
He simply nodded and said, “I understand.”
What the hell? What did he understand? Those words didn’t clarify anything.
“What do you mean, you understand?” I asked, growing irritated because I felt like he wasn’t truly hearing me.
“Don’t get mad at me,” he told me.
How did he know? He always seemed to know what I was feeling. If only he could tell me why I’d reacted the way I had. That would be great.
“I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at myself. And...” I paused, but decided to be honest. “Yes, I am mad at you. Aiden, I’m mad atyou because it seems like you want to slide this under the rug. You want to treat it as if it never happened. As if I hadn’t almost killed someone.”
“I’m not sliding it under the rug, love. I truly understand why you’re feeling lost and afraid right now. The way you reacted to the intruder scared you because in your mind, you’re not someone who can protect yourself when a threat enters the room.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but closed it because I didn’t really know what I wanted to say. Was that how I felt? Before this, did I assume I couldn’t protect myself?
“Noe, you’re not weak. I’ve told you over and over again that you’re the strongest person I know.”
Yes, he’d said that. However, I’d thought he referred to me as strong because of the way I was holding it together in the face of my memory loss. Not strong, physically. Not strong enough to take a life if I had to.
I never imagined I wasthatkind of strong. Then again, I hadn’t only forgotten him. I’d forgotten myself, also. I did know me. And that was crazy as hell because how could I not know me?
“But...” I sighed, not even knowing what to say.
