Page 1 of Joker
CHAPTERONE
CARRIE
THE PAST
Bright lights, music, the smell of the shoe disinfectant, the sound of the balls on the lanes, and people laughing. I love the sounds of a bowling alley. My weekend and after school job was at the local bowling alley. The owner had taken a chance on me, and I was grateful. My folks weren’t the greatest. Dad left before my little brother Johnny was born, and Mom was present, but not really. She was either drunk, high, or just not around.
Every day I would wish Mom would give up the drink and drugs. The feeling that your own mom would rather be drunk or get high than raise you broke a piece of me. Johnny was a sickly baby when he was born due to Mom still drinking and doing drugs while pregnant. I was all he had left; I was 12 years old when Johnny was born, and I loved him like my own. I took joy in caring for him and making sure he was clean and fed.
I could never understand why we were never enough for Mom. Why couldn’t she love us like we loved her? Even after everything, she was still our mom, and we loved her.
The neighbor, Mrs. Clark, helped look after Johnny while I was at school and when I was at work. She was a lovely lady and helped all she could, but she was only just getting by herself and couldn’t afford to help us as much as she wanted to.
We didn’t want her money. The time spent in her warm, cozy, and inviting home, plus the meals she would cook for us, were more than enough. We felt safe and loved when we would go around to her house. She was the grandma we craved. It was truly when we felt our happiest, sitting around her kitchen table playing games or cozy on the sofa with a blanket watching movies.
Every so often, Mom would attempt to get clean and start trying to get herself together. She was always sorry and full of promises to be better. Sadly, they didn’t last long, and as we grew older, it happened less and less until she just stopped trying at all.
Before Dad went away and Johnny was born, it was a happy home. I was always a daddy’s girl. After Dad left, my mom had to step up and fill both roles. She struggled to find a job, and not long after Dad left, she found out she was pregnant. When Dad was around, they both always loved to party. Though once Mom was on her own, she started to spiral and party too hard until she couldn’t stop.
I remember the day Dad left clearly. He gave me a hug, told me he loved me, and said I was his joy. He held me so tight and just kept saying he was sorry and how much he loved me. He told me I needed to be strong and look out for Mom.
I cried and begged him not to go. The sadness and despair on his face would never leave me. My dad was my whole world.
My dad was a member of the local MC, Sons of Havoc. Mom hated them. She used to say they were dirty animals and not to be trusted. The brothers I’d meet always seemed kind to me and were nice when I saw them. They looked scary, but they never made me feel scared. I always felt safe and precious. Their Princess, as they used to call me. When they came to the house, they would always take the time to say hi to me and give me hugs. A few of them once even had a tea party with me.
The only bright spot in my life other than Johnny was Jason. Jason was the boy next door and my best friend. We had lived next door to each other all our lives, and our dads were best friends.
Jason helped me with Johnny a lot and to buy food when I didn’t have money to buy any, and Mom was on one of her benders, where she would disappear for days on end. Those days would scare me, being alone in the house with Jonny and no protection. Jason’s dad was also a member of the Sons. Jason’s mom had died when he was little, so it was just the two of them, and they were close.
His dad was away a lot on‘club business,’which left Jason with no real adult supervision. So, Jason would take the gun his dad had in the house and stay with us. Together we were stronger.
Not long after my dad left, Mom started the hunt for a‘real man,’as she put it, to replace Dad. My dad could never be replaced. The men she brought home were always as drunk or high as she was. I used to hide Johnny and me in my room, away from Mom and her men doing drugs and having sex in the living room.
The sounds coming from the living room, no child should ever hear. At first, they used to leave us alone, but as I started to grow and develop, the men used to stare and ask Mom if I was going to join them. I think that was the point Mom started to hate me. She would accuse me of flirting with them and trying to steal her men for myself. She was delusional. The men were all old, balding with beer bellies. She was just so desperate for love and attention.
One night, one of the men she brought home stumbled into my room and tried to get into bed with me. I screamed and tried to fight him off. It really scared Johnny, and he ran from the room. Luckily, Johnny ran next door to Jason’s, and his dad Bull was home. Bull came and pulled the guy off me.
Jason held me while I sobbed, stroking his hand up and down my back, reassuring me I was okay, and he wouldn’t let anything happen to me ever again. We could hear Bull shouting at my mom. He kept telling her how furious my dad would be to know his kids were living like this, not safe in their own home.
I begged Bull to tell me where my dad was. At that moment, I just wanted my dad, but he just shook his head and told me he couldn’t with a sad smile and a hug. It was‘club business.’He was sorry this happened, and if he could change it, he would.
On weekends when I would work at the bowling alley, Jason would spend time with Johnny. Sometimes they would come to meet me, and we would play in the arcade. Johnny loved the slot machines. I loved those times when we would play together and then have a few bowling games. Like a little family. I used to watch the other families around me and wish we could be like them. All nicely dressed and happy, smiling like we didn’t have a care in the world, just spending time together.
I was jealous of them. I wanted what they had. Even at a young age, I knew my life wouldn’t ever be like that. Maybe in my wildest dreams, one day, but I had to face reality. Johnny loved Jason and really looked up to him. He was a big brother who looked out for him, taught him to defend himself and how to be a man.
We were happy the three of us, with the adults making appearances every now and then. Bull was more of a parent than Mom and made sure there was food and money for whatever Jason needed. He even used to leave a little extra for us when he knew we needed it. You could see that he was proud of me, that I was doing what I had to do to take care of Johnny.
Things changed when we turned fifteen. I started to notice Jason was no longer the scrawny, short, spotty kid who was my best friend. His skin cleared up. He grew so tall and started to bulk up. He started to develop real muscles, and his voice started to change—get deeper and muskier. That was when my feelings changed. Whenever his finger would graze my arm, or he held my hand, butterflies would flutter in my stomach, and goose bumps would break out on my skin where his touch had just been. I would dream about him kissing me, those soft lips on mine. His behavior toward me never changed, except he now slept on the floor in the room Johnny and I shared instead of in the bed with me.
I missed his arms around me, the feel of his breath on my neck as he snuggled close behind me, keeping me safe. I was counting down the days till my sixteenth birthday. Not that sixteen was anything big, but it meant I was one year closer to being eighteen. That was the golden age when I could legally look after Johnny, and we didn’t need to be worried about Child Protective Services coming and taking him away. Jason had promised me a surprise for my birthday. I couldn’t wait to see what he had planned.
CHAPTERTWO
CARRIE
When my birthday finally came, Johnny went to stay with Mrs. Clark for the night. I had chosen a flowing floral dress in cream with a small pink flower pattern and my favorite pair of ankle boots. My blonde curls lay loose and free, flowing down my back. I had paired the dress with a necklace Dad had given me. It is a locket with a picture of Johnny, Dad, and me on one side and a picture of Jason on the other. Nerves rattle my body as I spritz on some perfume Mrs. Clark had bought me as a birthday present.
Jason turns up in a pair of dark jeans, a black t-shirt that clings to his more defined muscles, and black biker boots. He’s starting to look more and more like his dad. He had told me that he planned to join the Sons as soon as he was allowed. That worries me a little for his safety, but I know his dad and the other brothers would be there for him.
