Page 38 of Joker
“Just ask what you need to Doc,” I say, placing my hand on his arm
“I hate to ask this, but I need to run an internal exam. I’m sorry, Carrie. I really do hate to say this.”
You can see the pain written across his face. Looking over at Jason, pain and anger are also showing on his face. Fuck, this can only mean one thing.
“You’ve seen the videos, haven’t you?” I confirm.
A look of guilt flashes across both their faces that tell me I’m right. Fuck I didn’t want anyone to ever see them. I knew they would be shown somewhere as otherwise why would he film us to start with. But God, I was praying it was for his own sick pleasure.
“Who else has seen them? Has everyone seen them?” I’m starting to panic now. I try to sit up, but Doc stops me. “No, Doc, tell me!” I cry out.
I’m shouting now and getting more upset, but I don’t seem to be able to calm down. I can feel the tears on my cheeks. This can’t be happening. From the look on their faces, I know everyone has seen them. Well, at least all the brothers. I can’t handle this.
“Get out. GET OUT!” I scream.
I turn over so my back is to them and pull the covers up to my chin so I’m fully covered.
“Carrie,” Jason starts to say with his hand on my shoulder.
I move so he can’t touch me, “Don’t touch me. Just leave me alone,” I beg.
“Come on, son, let’s give her a moment,” says Doc in a defeated tone.
A few moments later, I hear the door open and then close. Once it’s closed, the dam breaks, and I sob into my pillow. Fuck, they all know what had happened to me. Do they think less of me? Are they disgusted at the sight of me?
I cry until I can’t cry anymore, too exhausted to do anything, but fall asleep.
I wake the next morning feeling like I’ve got a hangover from all the crying. A fresh bottle of water and some Advil are on the bedside table. Taking the tablets and a drink of water, I slowly make my way to the bathroom to take care of business.
Back in bed, I know I need a plan. I don’t want to stay here with them all looking at me with pity or disgust. I’m not sure which is worse.
I need to heal, find a job and a house for Beau and me. I need to reclaim my life. I had honestly never thought about what would happen or how I would feel if someone saw those videos. The things I had done to me in my most vulnerable moments. I’m stronger than that. Those videos shouldn’t define me, but I know looking at the brothers’ faces, I know they saw it all. A knock at the door brings me out of my head. Doc enters with a woman.
“Carrie, it’s good to see you awake,” says Doc with caution.
He comes closer and the woman follows him.
“This is Dr. Whitelaw, I know I mentioned an internal examination yesterday, but I felt you might be more comfortable with a female doctor,” he explains.
Poor Doc, he was only trying to help me, and I’d lost my shit with him. Giving him a small smile, I nod my head.
“Thank you, Harry. Hi Carrie, my name is Helen. Are you okay with me doing your examination today, or I can come back when you’re feeling more up to it?” she asks, giving me a warm smile. A very motherly feeling radiates off the doctor.
“No, now is fine. I just want this over with.”
Doc nods his agreement. “I’ll leave you ladies. Just shout if you need anything.”
He then quietly leaves the room. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Dr. Helen explains what’s going to happen.
“I understand you have been through something traumatic. If at any point you feel uncomfortable, please just say so, and we will stop. I want to give you this card, it’s for a psychologist. She’s wonderful and has a lot of experience with helping people in your circumstances.”
Looking down at the purple card that reads Tracy Wood, a healing hand. I’ll definitely consider calling her.
Dr. Helen continues to explain what tests she’d run and the exam she’s going to need to do. Nodding my head that I understand, she moves the sheet to uncover my legs and helps me remove my underwear. Feeling vulnerable at being so open, she gives me a soft smile.
“I’ll be as quick as I can for you, remember if it gets to be too much, just let me know, and we can stop.”
Nodding, I let her know I understand.
